Earlier this year I wrote a post (Frustration) of my struggles of trying to concieve. I am still struggling to concieve. My doctor had diagnosed with with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and low Prolactin levels. She had prescribed me medication to help level out my prolactin levels, which has not worked after 6 months of trying different dosage. Along with that medication she prescribed me letrozole to help me ovulate. I did 4 months of that and could not handle it. First 2 months while taking it made me physcially sick, vomitting and other unwanted side effects. Then the side effects kept getting worse. I called that doctor after the first time taking it and experiencing vomitting. She had said it was normal, everyone experiences it differently. So I did not think much of it. Thought if this is how it has to be to have a baby then so be it. May not be any different than morning sickness when I do concieve. I wished the the side effects stopped with the physical stuff. It didn't. Not sure if it was a side effect, stress of everything going on, or combination. Over the 4 months I did not feel like myself. First started with just moodiness, which I expected with medication to balance my horomones and also to help ovulate. It progressed to more, scary moodiness. I would go from crying from sadness to anger, which led to several breakdowns. First breakdown I don't even know where it stemed from. Cleaning the house while my husband was at work. I just got angry started crying, screaming. I was so angry I grabbed a glass bowl and chucked it across the room at the wall, then just curled up in a fetal position and continued to cry. I then started having night terrors. Never had night terrors in my life. I would wake up screaming and crying. Husband would calm me down and put me back to bed. In the morning I never remembered anything. My personality started to change. Became distant with friends, family, coworkers. I was to scared to talk to my husband about anything. He never knew about me having a breakdown and breaking the glass bowl, he still doesn't. He noticed it missing and a few glass pieces I missed while I was cleaning it up. I just told him I knocked it over while cleaning. The night terrors also led to me having vivid nightmares, nightmares that still concerns me. Nightmares of commiting suicide. I should have gone to the doctor then, maybe even sooner, but I didn't. After the 4th month of Letrozole going on my 5th. I got my period and just brokedown. Came home from work crying while my husband sat and watched tv. He asked me what was wrong, just told him how I am so sick and tired of doing this. I know there are many other women that try for years so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. It wasn't the waiting it was what the medication, stress or whatever it was, was doing to me. Was not myself, I knew I was becoming depressed, but was to prideful to say so. While trying to talk to my husband about this I knew he didn't know what to say or what to do. He continued to watch tv. I don't mean to make my husband sound like a bad cold distant guy, he really is not. Sometimes he just doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to make the situation worse. At that time I did feel like I was going at this alone. I couldn't stop crying, felt that maybe if I took a bath it will help relax me, but it didn't. So then I laid in bed, hoping that maybe my husband would just come in and just hold me, didn't have to say anything just hold me, he didn't. It got to the point I didn't want to lay in bed or stay in the house, not only was angry for once again failing at concieving a baby and have to do another round of letrozole, but I was angry that I felt like I was in this alone and my husband was making me angry. So I went for a drive. Probably a dumb decision, nothing bad happened don't worry. Whole drive I kept thinking of a dream I had of running my car off the road into a tree. Also kept thinking of how much I just needed to talk to my brother. My brother and I are close, always been there for each other. He lived 2 hours away and this was at 8 o'clock at night, by the time I got there it would have been about 10. I didn't want to have to wake him up. So I decided to take a road trip to the country side, always my go to place because I love the country. I find a nice place to pull over to the side of the road by a big pond with a wooded area. That is when I realized I was depressed, I needed to stop the Letrozole, either try a different medication or something anything. After I calmed down I went back home and told my husband I am no longer taking that medication, that we will have to find something different. He said ok, and that was the end of the conversation. Next day I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment. She changed up my medication to Cholmid, does the same thing as Letrozole but may have a different effect on me. I then just decided to take a break from TTC. At least with medication, maybe try naturally. That was 3 months ago and still no luck. This past month after many conversations with my husband about it we decided to look more into foster parenting and adoption. We talked to other people we know that do foster care and have adopted from the foster care. We just sent in our application a few days ago. So I am excited about that. I do want to continue to try for our own, but I don't want to go down the long expensive road of more tests, more treatments, IVF or whatever else I may have to try in order to have my own baby. My thoughts are there are many other kids in this world that need a safe, loving home that I can provide for them. The one concern is I don't want to regret not trying hard to have my own kids. This may sound selfish of me, so please don't judge me. When my husband and I first started talking about having a baby, I started thinking about what our kids would like like. Hoping they have his hair, his smile, my eyes, etc. So many parents do that with their kids look at their kid's features and see what part of them comes from their side or their spouse's side. With adoption, that is not the case. I have always wanted to experience what it would be like to be pregnant. So many moms just say how awful it is, morning sickness sucks, swollen feet, etc. but what they don't focus on is the miracle of it. The life they are creating inside them, hearing their baby's heart beat for the first time, feeling it kick and move inside. Things will work out towards God's will, I just need to have faith in him. If it is adoption, then I will take comfort in knowing I can make a difference in one kid's life by giving it a good, safe, loving home instead of being raised in the system, going from home to home or living with birth parents that may not have the ideal home a kid should live in.