What do you feel when you resist an urge?
I think this is a very important factor of any impulse control disorder. What happens if you pull away from any particular moment of great urge and temptation?
I have been trying to explore this aspect recently. It's been difficult to tug myself out of the strong need to self harm, but when I do...it is only if I insist that I am doing it for my well being. I have to talk myself out of the desire and rationalize with my own self. Other times it consumes my mind the entire day. This is if I forcefully force myself to stop. If I am somehow able to rationalize the compulsion, I feel more confident and at peace with the decision.
That itch to act on the impulse can remain...and sometimes I wonder what is worse... carrying out the act or suffering with the OCD mindset about wanting to carry out the act at a later time.
It seems to be a lose-lose situation as the mind plays tricks. That unnerving feeling is extremely distressing. I wonder what I can substitute in its place to get a similar sort of "high" and release. I just wish that I could direct this at something else aside from my body.
When I abstain for a long time, the urge can build up and come out in my behavior. Through irritation, anger, etc. I'm also wondering if body focused repetitive behaviors are in some way the mind's way of preventing full blown dissociative disorder. By having a focus to dissociate on during the repetative act, the mind doesn't have to go further since it's anchored in this particular behavior. It might be how the mind grounds itself and controls the dissociation stages. It's a theory I've thought of through observing myself, yet in order to test it out I have to forcefully will myself to stop each impulse for an extended period of time. This has proved to be a bit of a challenge. I'm just wondering if I might start dissociating in other ways or if my mind will come up with a new OCD ( since I'm prone to it ) as a substitute for the body focused repetitive behavior.
I just feel that this behavior is acting as a distraction for the mind. The mind is trying to somehow preserve itself. An escape from the subconscious.
Please share your views!
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