Hey everybody, I'm new here but of course like everyone else, not to trich. I started pulling when I was in 7th grade (so 11?) Right where my bangs were/supposed to be. I don't know exactly what caused this or why I started doing it but after i had pulled the bald spot was so large I had to wear a headband for most of 7th grade year. I would get nasty comments like "Why do you wear headbands everyday?" And of course the other nasty comments and stares you get for having trich. Some people even tried pulling off my headband by surprise just so they could see. I don't know if they were mainly just curious or just wanted to make fun of me some more. Then I stopped pulling there and let my hair grow back. When I came to school without the headband one day kids were sooo surprised and just stared, carefully examining my hair as if they were looking for the flaws. Of course at this point I was an outcast and definately felt like one... I kept pulling just in a less noticeable area but they eventually noticed as I subconsciously pulled out my hair right in front of them. I usually left piles of hair on the floor and once I noticed I would have to hide it quickly before anybody noticed. With carpet I wasn't as worried about it but most of my classes were white tile so it was very noticeable. A lot of the time I would just try to spread it out across the ground with my feet so it wouldn't be as noticeable and wouldn't look like all mine cause I couldn't just pick it up, because then I'd bring attention to it. One day I got asked by the teacher to go to the nurse and of course I was like why, I'm fine but she insisted. Once I got there the nurse basically asked me if u pulled out my hair, and of course I denied it and went back to class. The second spot I had started to pull was the back of my head up towards the middle ( also a spot very hard to cover). I can't remember when I had slowed down again must have been sometime during 8th grade because by freshmen year I had a full head of hair. I still pulled in school and I'm sure people noticed but it wasn't near as bad as I was doing. Then towards the end of softmore year I pulled out my eyebrows in class while taking a very hard and stressful geometry test. I went to look at the damage in a mirror(after i finished the test)I had with me and I basically had pulled out all my eyebrows. There was no way I would be able to get up and go turn in my test without people noticing.. I quickly got some mascara put it on my eyebrows, turned in my test, and quickly got out of there to try to fix in the bathroom before my next class. The rest of the year and that summer I had to draw them on until they grew back (and they grew back). I don't remember when but then I was trying to pluck them, and I over plucked. I did this several times both junior, senior year, and still am. I have recently just shaved them off because I started plucking and noticed I started over plucking so I decided to shave them off so I wouldn't keep plucking them.... What's worse is I had slowed down on my hair pulling for so long then I became pregnant and my anxiety went through the roof and now I'm pulling more than ever before. I'm worried for my unborn son and pray he doesn't have any type of disorder like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy... I don't want my trich getting in the way of me taking care or raising of my son but I'm afraid it will or worse that he sees me one day and realizes all my beauty is fake. Not just that but sees me harming myself. I'm pretty sure my husband knows what is going on but he doesn't mention or ask about it. I can understand if he's just as uncomfortable as I am about the situation. I don't know how to admit it though or put it out there. I know he will love me either way but just the though of saying it loud brings tears to my eyes because how much it scares me. I know he will never fully understand why I do this to myself. I just don't want him to be upset with me. I need friends to talk to about this with that will truly understand...I have isolated myself from pretty much everyone because I know they can try but won't be able to.
Why is my mood so easily dictated by the acceptance I receive from those around me? Honestly Snapmap could be used as a torture device, except instead it sends me into a spiral of torturing myself. Why am I so easily pushed towards cutting, something I know will only bring me more pain in the longrun than the temporary relief could even fathom, by some dumb shit like a text back. I place so much...
I have had a long history of depression . I have talked about my shoplifting and alcoholism. I have a history of silly communication in work. Saracatic texts. When people dont respond I sent an anoymous e mail to somebody in work giving out about an event. She figured out it was me.Im suicidal now. I have a son. Now im thinking of ending my life