Hey everyone, 

I just joined this group, because well I feel like I need to try everything. I'm at a bad place with the trich right now. I joined a lot of other groups in this daily strength thing, but this is my first post, because this is my biggest struggle right now. 

And I need help.

I have had anxiety and insomina basically my whole life, and trich since I was 14 or so (I am 25 now). As time went on I developed other obsessive compulsive tendencies. I've seen psychitrists and therapists for about 5 years now, I've tried mindfulness and meditation, I do a lot of kickboxing and a lot has gotten better.

I've grown in that I have a much better handle on my anxiety but not my OCD or trich. Well, or the insomina. But the panic attacks are at an all time low! 

The trich is so bad right now.  I feel like my life is this big blur where I have one purpose and it is to remove all the hair from my body one by one. OH! and I'm also a skin-picker too, so my face legs and tummy look like warzone, so many scabs and scars, and my face AGH I have terrible acne now, or at least it looks like that.

I don't know how open I can be here, I feel so scared that I will tell fellow "trichster" (what a goofy name) what I'm dealing with and even they will think I am a freak. 

BUT HERE GOES: I PULL ALL DAMN DAY. AND ALL NIGHT it seems. 

Grad school started up again and I am so excited but it sucks because I spend ALL my energy trying not to pull in class, I see people looking, professors always think I have a question.  So what I do all class is fight the urge fight fight fight and them I go to the bathroom lock myself in a stall and pull out everything I can find and pick at every blemish. Then run back to class.

Then I drive home and spend the entire drive pulling fighting the urge because I have to look at the road but I throw the hairs out the window and it's distracting, because I wonder what they looked like. WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE HA! I am such a f*cking psycho, who wants to know how the hairs felt or looked or where they came from. WHY WHY WHY do I spend my time doing this!!

Then once I am home it is a battle, a stand-off between me and the bathroom. Because in the bathroom, there are mirrors and there are tweezers (oh and the professional pore cleansing tools I impulsively bought because I thought it would help.) I try to keep the lights off in the  bathroom so I can't look at the mirror and pull out my eyebrow or pimples and I don't want to look down at my legs while I'm on the toilet or...or the um, yuck OK THE PUBIC REGION. 

The pubic/ladyparts/downthere/crotch region, oh god I cannot believe that I do this, I pull them all out it's gross it's so incredibly vile I hate myself for it. I do, I am ashamed, I know I should be positive and love myself, but I don't at this moment in time.  Because I am SO SO SO SICK OF THIS. This is not a life, this is a weird freaky gross obsessive existance. I am unhinged!

I feel like a monster. I feel like a freak. 

But it helps so much to know you're out there. Maybe not as f*cked up as me, or maybe way worse I don't know. But OH F*CK I am pulling right now how did I even type that stuff one handed. Like I am not kidding, this is out of control. I'm working on it with my shrink we have good ideas, and my meds are helping with so much, SO SO MUCH, but not this at all right now. 

I feel dumb and worthless for being plagued by something so silly and weird, like I was able to work through and make progress when it comes to anxiety and some of the other ocd symptoms but the trich and the pick (that works right?) they are out of control. 

I have experienced some pretty traumatic things and worked through some tough challenges, but right now I am where I want to be. I am following my passion, doing meaningful work, learning and honing my skills and making friendships I know will last a lifetime and my boyfriend and I have never been better.

But this, this is ruining it right now, as dramatic as that is--that all of what I'm saying is--it is such a big problem and I don't get why this is happening now of all times, it hasn't been this bad in like 6 months but that was when I was really unstable and stressed and struggling. I feel like everything should be great but it's not, and seeing the piles of hair everywhere makes me feel like a failure. 

I feel like a failure. like a monster. like a freak.

...and I'm pulling again. F*CK!