January 2021

Saturday, January 2, 2021

2:00 AM

2020 as been a challenging year for me. As I look back on the year it started on the wrong foot, January 11th I ended up with a shattered ankle leaving me out of work for 6 months. As I can remember the pain that I have went through which I do not wish no to endure. During the month of February I had my daughter demanding that I attend with her to Springfield to sign the papers to sell the car, but I was in no condition to travel but of course they came down to pick me up and the trip up was once in awhile would throw at me pop-shots but I managed to overcome it, It was ok as I signed the papers for her but of course there was no thank you as I didn't expect it. She did pay for the uber to get me home after having dinner with merle and Annette. She asked me if I was going to have the surgery but at that time I told her that I will decide when I come to that bridge, as I need to take care of my ankle. I couldn't tell the truth on what happened to it because I was afraid for the repercussions that might follow. Still I was under the influence of Daniel even though I was living as a female. One thing I have to say is that when I had to go as Daniel not Danielle. I managed to survive the ordeal for several hours. Merle knew that I had already started HRT and I guess that is why she asked me that question. February I wasn't showing hardly at all I guess because my body gave up in Dec I haven't seen any development on my body at that time. But I did have my mind set on having the procedure done but did not know when, due to the pandemic the plague I was still going to pursue it but  at that time I didn't know when but I wasn't going to drop it at all.

I went back to work in June and it was a difficult one with pain in the legs and the back due to the fact I have been off my feet for almost six months. As for my transition I have started to show development in my breasts and in my personality but not much. I was happy with my progress. July I started the process of changing my name from Daniel to Danielle but I needed to change my middle name as well because I could leave Franklin as my middle name. So I asked my friends to come up with a middle name that I can use instead of Franklin, they were very helpful in coming up with a list so I narrowed it down and asked them again which one and the census ended up being Nicole and I like the ring it gave me. At this point in time I was still having flash backs if that is what you call it. Seeing merle or remembering her yelling at me in my face about my failure's, even when I go shopping for myself, I hear say telling me no we can't afford it or yes. Also I would still have the urge to start crying for no reason at all. As for work in July things were getting better with my back and my ankle but still swollen. My breast were still in the developing stage still sore but I was starting to feel myself and started going back to my clinic appointments. Still working on my name change, my first appointment with the judge as he set the date for my final date when I would be able to use Danielle Nicole Nuscis. I was feeling pretty good with myself as my transitioning was going great.

 July was also a little busy that I had to take off a week and go up to Pa. to dog sit my daughters dog as well as. I can't say that it was easy as I have ran into some snags with merle wanting to change her mind and to stay as I mentioned to her to go and enjoy your self that she need to relax. She did go thank goodness. I was able to see my two boys. It was a trying effort when I came through the door Vanne was coming down the stairs and said hello to me and the dogs had me on the floor licking me like crazy, they were so glad to see me. Through out the time I was there I had to feed myself but I expected that. I can say that it went ok from a scale of 1- 100 I would say it was a 65 at the most.

August came I managed to start the process of changing my name filed the court and following their guide lines to change it. But things were still different with covid-19 still ravaging the whole world I had to be carful to keep away from others so I won't catch the virus. Also I submitted my paper work for the process of doing my surgery, I did have my preliminary work done through virtual viewing and I was glad that I was a candidate for the procedure.

So Sept came still working on my name change as I was on my leg on that adventure as summer was coming to a close. Work was still busy, still paying off the medical bills from my ankle and still no word from the plastic surgeon. Towards the end of the month I was approved for the name change as I could not use it till October 3rd I was excited but I didn't want to tell Merle because I felt that it was none of her business what I was doing but making myself happy in the process. Merle on the other hand has been quiet which was good for me I was able to focus on the things at hand until towards the end of Sept when I received the call from Dr. Gassmans office to set the date for my surgery. The call came while I was at work and boy was it a shocker. They called to ask me to set up the date for my surgery which was the week of the November 2nd , Thanksgiving week and the first week in Dec which lead me to choose November 2, I was thrilled but it really did not sink into my mind that I was going to have my bottom surgery and when it did my mind was in kayos. As they set the date of October 20, for my preliminary exam, my subconscious mind was trying to take over my conscious mind without my knowledge and when I did find out about it I knew I had to figure out something to relax my mind as I started to hallucinate seeing myself outside of my body sort of thinking that my subconscious mind was trying to kill me but latter finding out that he was trying to warn me that I was out my safe zone and he was worried, some of the images he was showing me making me think that night was day, making me believe that I was seeing the police around which I knew in fact that I was alone and it was night time, but I saw myself being surrounded by police with their guns drawn on me as I saw Daniel ( that’s the name I gave my subconscious mind) as I was watching him tell the police" look at what she is doing to my body, someone stop her " but back in reality I screamed out in this fantasy saying Daniel you got to stop this right now I know that it is night and there is no one around me and we need to talk. I sat down showed him all the journals he wrote also telling him about the commitment we made that if we decided to do this we would go all the way or none at all. I guess he figured that I wouldn't do it but as I mentioned to him of all the times he wanted to do things he never followed up on it and regretted it later, now was our chance to grasp the adventure it was the right time, we got the surgical date the insurance company approved it and they are paying 80% and we have everyone supporting us in the process. He also had chances to call to cancel or postpone it but he didn't as I was glad that I was able to settle him down. I can understand what my mind was trying to do warning me that I was out of my comfort zone but what is life about to me is to explore, I was feeling good about myself not having to look in the mirror and see a body full of hair just like cousin itt on the Adams Family. I couldn't believe it myself but as time came to the date of my surgery I started saying to myself that I am not in a comma lying on a hospital bed as I am alive and living my life

The surgery was a success and I am happy with the results of my surgery now I am recuperating but since my age I am healing slowly. Thanksgiving almost ended my life with merle playing her games and the same thing happened around Christmas but I managed a little better with that holiday than Thanksgiving. AS for the new Year well everything started after that holiday just 2 days when she got the stimulus check in the mail and not the card when all hell broke loose with her I will inform you later to let you know what transpired, but over all the year 2020 wasn't that bad for me except for the obstacles that I had to navigate around I manage to survive it.

I had to go up to Pa. where she lives and had to stay overnight, I did have an emergency stand-by person just in case I got in trouble, so I will be safe in case something happened. Monday was the day we where able to get the check cashed I had to tell the person that I was living in Pa. with her, that made me uncomfortable even though I was told by a lawyer that they should cash the check in my new name as long as I had the court documents with me, I made sure I did also I tried to hand her a copy of the papers that she said needed for her lawyer but refused to take them and told me that she will never divorce me and allow me to come out to my kids. So it leaves me to believe me that she did not file for the divorce now I have to strategize a way to divorce her so I may move on with my life and not have to worry about her triggering my breakers that causes me to fall into an emotional turmoil along with thoughts of committing suicide, I am sorry to say that I have tried 3 times but I am scared that the next time would do me in. It's the what If that scares me because if your in that state of mind, your mind is scrambled trying to find your safe zone that you want to give up. With all the techniques given to me by my therapist my mind is actually gone, lost in finding away back. I am afraid for that day to come that is the big IF and It scares the crap out of me.

I don't consider myself suicidal but with the medication I am on contributes and enhances the thoughts when something triggers my emotional breakers to no return like my wife.

It's like I tell my therapist " how do heal from 35 years of abuse ??  Which tells me that no one has any answers to that question as I feel that my life depends on it.

I am looking forward in going back to work on Feb 2, still waiting for the letter of return to work from my doctor.

That is one thing I haven't told her that I did have my surgery. I have an idea what will happen as I know that will be the end of me, that I will never return out of the crises that I will be enduring as It makes me cry even thinking about it. But I do know that she will be happy that she will throw a party I will be gone for good and wouldn't have to worry about me making her life miserable because I opt into becoming a woman.