Autumn,

What a beautiful name you have chosen! I think of the beauty of the changing of a season, and love that choice! What pieces of meaning or sound or feel (or something entirely different) drew you to that?

I am so glad you have some beginning level supports though you are dealing with a tough time with your boyfriend waffeling a bit on what he has told you and what you are feeling from him at this point.

After over 60 years of carrying around thoughts of my identity mismatch to my body, I still have moments of difficulty wrapping my head around that to explain to someone else. I imagine as a partner with much less time to process all that information, its ramifications for an ongoing relationship, and the unfolding realities of their dealing with this major life change as it impacts them that both of you together may be in mutually lonely places at the moment.

A lot of people told me as I was initially coming out and facing a lifetime of reasonable but intense fears that things are worse for a while and then you find your way and they get better. Not everyone is strong enough or able to really be with you in this, so sometimes you have to just step inside yourself and focus on the miracle of finding new pieces of yourself and in your case discovering the wonderful feelings of getting to express all the facets of the woman you really are.

A lot of beginnings are lonely and stressful, and relationships for women especially require more time to build than (at least in our society) than for men. Keep reaching out with your therapy supports and building hopes for the future.

I am imagining as you continue to become more comfortable dropping having to have a drag persona and get to just be yourself without regard to stereotypes, you will indeed attract and be appreciated by others who will love you for all you are.

Hang in there. You can do this and for every one of us who does, I think we can make it a little easier for the folks to come. Do that for yourself and just one other person and maybe that is a pretty good payoff for our personal struggle and pain.

Autumn, take care.

Liam

I agree with Liam, there could be a few things going on with your boyfriend. Shock, Confusion, Uncertainty, While he may have had some information from you that you liked doing certain things he may be taken off guard by the actual realization of what is truly going on. that takes some time to grapple with. Add to it that if he is a die hard gay man, being with a woman is a confusing prospect as well. I don't know how far on that spectrum he is though so only you can fill that in. I was fortunate in that my relationships I was able to be upfront from the get go and tell them what was going on so they all knew what was ahead walking into it. Not all get that ability. My hope is that your family will be more open to the concept than he seems to be right now. You have a wonderfully positive outlook on everything you are facing and that is an amazing thing and you need to keep that. That outlook above anything will save your bacon more than anything. You can do this, you can overcome whatever is in your path, just keep positive and look at what you have and not what you don't. You will get there :D

I just happened to come across this and thought I'd share my experience from the other side of the fence to lend some possible perspective. I was in a long-term relationship a few years ago with this guy who has a very rough "biker" appearance on the outside, but once you got to talk to him he was the nicest, most soft-hearted person you could ever hope to meet. His personality didn't match his exterior at all basically. Anyway, a few years into our relationship he comes out and says that he wants to experiment wearing women's clothes, and as it turned out, it ended up being something he really enjoyed doing. Initially I told him that I would support him regardless, and that it didn't matter because they were just clothes... I really meant that, but as time went on and he started doing it more and more frequently it started to come between us until eventually the feelings were no longer there in a romantic way for me. I realize that looks aren't everything in a relationship, but when you fall in love with someone who happens to look a certain way, and you get used to seeing them in that way all the time, it can be difficult to get over them suddenly making a major physical change that they intend to be permanent. For me, I would come home from work expecting to be greeted by my burly biker boyfriend in his leather jacket and jeans, and instead I'd find a bearded man in a sequin evening gown coming to the door in high heels. Should it matter what he was wearing? Of course not. But I *missed* that other person, who I barely ever got to see anymore, and eventually it did end up changing the way I felt about the relationship.

Anyway, my point is that I don't know your boyfriend and maybe I'm way off here, but that was my experience and it's possible that that's similar to how he may be feeling. But that's no reason to not to do what you need to do to be happy. Either he'll stay by your side or he won't, but your emotional well-being shouldn't have to be contingent on that decision. My ex and I are still friends and I still support him, we're just not together anymore, and truthfully he seems content with that as it allows him to be himself as often as he wishes without feeling like he needs to pretend to keep me happy. Hopefully things will work out better for you and your boyfriend than we did, but either way you should be able to feel comfortable in your own skin regardless of what that means for the relationship.

Best of luck to you, and I love the new name!

hello im Danielle, I can relate to what you are saying about not getting any support from your loved ones. But it is kind of funny that complete strangers can open up thier home and invite you into their home to be part of their family that your own can't offer you the same respect back, I left mine not because that I wanted to transition but it was the abuse not only the mental abuse but sometimes it would be the physical abuse I was getting from my wife and from my kids as well. Ever since I left in April I am considered dead to them and believe me it hurts. that makes a grown man such as myself break down and cry wondering if they are ok .
I like the name myself and I wish you the best of luck in your travels of the unknown.
Danielle