Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
Hi, this is my first post so please bear with me... My partner of 16+ years is transgender and although I have known for a long time have accepted it, my problem is I love this man completely and cannot see him as female whatsoever. I tell him to do whatever he has to do to make himself happy but I will not go out with him dressed, his argument is that he wants to do it as a couple and not alone, I cannot do this hence me saying to go out on his own.
The arguments we have had over the years is truely unbelievable, it is getting worse as he has now been diagnosed as transgender (real), so constantly all he does is trawl the websites relating to GR, hormones, facial changes etc etc etc. This is killing me, he really doesn't seem to care about how this makes me feel, its like all he thinks and breathes from getting up to going to bed is this one thing. His next item on his agenda is having boobs! I am really not sure how this will make me feel - if I had wanted to be with a woman I would! He is so wrapped up in himself nothing else matters....
If I sound selfish I am not, I am so scared I am losing my best friend, partner the person I love and adore - but realistically I know I am losing his/her or maybe I have already lost him. His priority seems to be him, I cannot compete with this 'other' woman, and I guess I don't want to.
Does anybody have any suggestions on how to cope with all these feelings that I have?
This is a difficult topic for me but I would like to try to comment.
My wife is in your position and by feelings that she has expressed to me is in a very similar mindset as you. We have been married almost 19 years now. About seven months ago I finally understood I was transgender through a process of therapy I was going through for another issue.
It was a life altering revelation. It has altered my life along with my wife’s and will likely have a ripple effect on everyone I am connected to.
I certainly can’t speak for your partner or her mindset. What I can tell you is that I too have become very self focused since having this revelation.
I still love my wife as much if not more than I did before all of this played out. She has always been a very strong ally to the LGBTQ community. Her perspective on me as a transgender woman is totally different though. She tells me it’s because she is married to me.
I have been willing to try to give her space and time to mourn and to decide how she wants to proceed. She seems unable to cope with the changes but does not want out our marriage.
In our case my wife has stated that our intimate life is over. That is difficult to digest but not as difficult as it would be to have to wear a theoretical clown suit every single day for the rest of my life.
As a transgender woman the most difficult thing I face is being unable to express myself in society as a woman.
I’m afraid that this reply is already much too long. I would be happy to continue the conversation if you would like. I could also put you in contact with my wife if you might like to communicate with her and share your experiences with each other.
I love her more than any other person in this world but that doesn’t seem to be enough.
If there is anything I can do to help you to try to understand your partner and her behavior I would be more than willing to try.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you believe that I could help. I wish the very best for you and your partner. There is nothing in life that is more amazing than love. I hope only love for you both.
Love and faith to you.
Gabrielle
Many thanks for your reply and it is very much appreciated. I know how much my partner is and has been struggling, I understand the pain he is going through (I go through it also) but he really doesn't see that. As I said he is so self focused on himself nothing else matters. Being a very gently person that he is his rages are scary - not the person I know and love, and yes I realise why.
I cannot see my life without him and yet I know that is the way (I think) that it is going as I cannot do without the contact of him and he isn't interested even though he says this will not change things between us! But it is and has and will never be the same again.
The hurt is unbearable I feel I am dying, all I want is for him to be happy with his life and he blames me for everything, not dressing, make up etc. Why? its not my fault I feel like a punching bag for him to say anything he wants to me.
I think I have said enough atm, I am happy to be in contact with your wife i have nobody else that I can talk about it to. Well maybe you, seeing it from your point of view actually helps also.
Thank you so much for your reply
Love to you and yours
In my case, it's my wife that doesn't want the physical connection now. She in essence says that she is not a lesbian and is not attracted to women. I have made no physical changes to my body as of yet but apparently just the thought of my perceiving myself as female is a complete turn off. I do get it but at the same time my primary love language is physical touch. It really gets lonely being next to her and not being able to hold her hand or just randomly hug her without it making her uncomfortable.
If I had a choice about it I would just put this away in some corner and go on with my old life. Now that it is out of the bottle though, I can never go back. I understand that and also understand how that can negatively impact the rest of my life. It's going to be a long road but I have started to truly love the real me. The one that you are conversing with right now. I like me and I am proud to be who I am. God may have given me more challenges to overcome than other people have been given. But maybe that's because I can handle it. I certainly hope that's the reason.
I have gained so much more respect for other people and their struggles because of this. I do think that I am a better person that I was seven months ago. I am certainly more open minded to life's alternatives than ever before. I used to harbor homophobic opinions that were very negative. This was just how my family was as I was growing up. More than likely that's what led to my personal trauma. I am happy to say that I have let go of that ridiculous type of thinking. Life is so rich if you allow yourself to live it.
I am going to transition socially and that includes to use of hormone therapy. I know that you mentioned your partner is looking at this as well. For some it's not necessary, for others like me, it's vital to our survival. I would ask you to let her try to figure out what is best for her as the woman she is. Never give up on hope. As long as you are alive there is hope. Please take care of yourself.
Love and faith
Gabrielle
I understand it is difficult for you but it is also not a choice for your partner. They were born female with a male deformity. You may have fallen in love with them and the male deformity. You may even say that you don't see the deformity, but it is still there and they have no choice but to wake up with it and live with it 24/7. The only way to survive is to do the hard work to separate them from the deformity and fall in love with the true them. You don't have to be attracted to women in general to be attracted to them. If you do remain with them and continue your fri3endship and intimacy, it doesn't make you a lesbian, It makes you their partner. It isn't easy and does require sacrifice, but it is possible. However, most people who are married and have gender dysphoria have been sacrificing themselves for the world most of their lives.
You are in agony that you don't deserve and I hope you find every piece of support you need to make it through this heartbreaking situation.
Our ability as strangers to help you on this site is really really limited and I hope that you can find a highly skilled professional counselor who can be a useful supporter to you and your partner in getting through this and guarding your sweet heart. If you have tried individual or couples counseling already, I hope you can/will consider trying again, since finding a useful counselor match is often difficult.
Q, I am a senior transgender man identified at birth as female and spending most of my life living successfully as a female but privately deeply depressed and hiding frequent suicidal thoughts. I had wonderful friends but couldn't be my "real" self to have a longterm intimate relationship since I was too afraid to reveal this huge socially impacting and potentially dangerous secret even to my wonderful and most trusted friends.
At this point, for the past few years I have moved to transitioning from female to male, and have had the first experiences of peace from the old daily suicidal thoughts. At first male hormone therapy brought me huge relief and was enough to greatly impact dysphoria and suicidal thoughts but for me I have also felt the need for physical and social changes so my mind and body are a better match. Dealing with that is hugely preoccupiing and self focused, and I imagine would be hugely difficult in an established relationship.
I hope you and your partner can find peace and someone on this site can suggest support groups for partners.
Take care.
Liam
For me I doubt there will ever be any peace, much too fractious, treading on eggshells etc etc. Trying so hard is so very tiring and not getting any better thought of, it feels like we are never on the same page and I guess won't be, but I suppose (naively) I hope it will change, deep down I know it won't.
I see his struggles and the fighting within him which makes it so hard to watch and maybe I try to hard to make him happy - perhaps I should just walk away and let him be. When I ask him if he would like me to go so he can live as he wants to, it is a definite no from him. But I wonder if that is because it's easier (at least for the moment) to stay as we are as a convenience!
You mentioned about counsellor well I have seen one but all I got from that was until you move out you will have no peace or happiness.... not what I wanted to hear. I promptly did not go to anymore. As for a joint counsellor he will not entertain it as thinks it is not necessary!
I carry on and live in a house of silence the majority of the time, no speak in the morning before work, and certainly on return in the evening there is none either. More often than not,he eats and then is asleep. Maybe not a bad thing you say, but for me it isn't - there needs to be communication.... so why am I here you ask ? Easy answer really I love the person I first met but as he has said to me that person is not longer around - he is gone, never to return.
But I live in hope - sad I know.
I really hope you find what you are looking for and have been for a long time.
Take care of yourself
Q
Really tough situation with your partner so shut down that you can't jointly discuss what you each need to in order to that good care of yourselves.
I had a counselor who wasn't a useful match to me. A second counselor respected my ability to think and solve my own problems, and was more the useful sounding board I needed for gender dysphoria and related issues. As counselors go one size/style doesn't fit all.
One thing you do extremely well is put words and rationale and emotions to paper, which I have at times found very useful for myself to manage pain and get a perspective to get back in problem solving mode. If you stay in this situation waiting for your partner to be less closed down, journaling might be one really useful tool for you that plays to your strength and could be used on your own or in counseling (or ultimately with your partner) to cope. Grief seems to be a big piece of what goes on for transitioning transgender people and their partners, and that is as big and relationship threatening in our society as the loss of a child. I know you love your partner deeply and appear to be coming to some sense at the moment that the person you loved is shut down and moving toward being unredeemably changed even if you find a way to stay.
I miss pieces of strength of my female persona from time to time, and certainly some relationships that didn't continue related to my transition. I have comfort in that for myself (and I know your situation is much more complex) that my feminine self is pretty well integrated into my male self, and I have the advantage (and sometimes confusion) of seeing my world from some really different perspectives and being treated quite differently by others based on their perception of what I am.
It must be terribly difficult to want and need physical closeness and an unchanged sexual relationship and know that your partner feels compelled to have physical transitions that will change those intimate aspects of this relationship. I hope someone else can speak to that in a useful way. Many of us who have been closeted as transgender for quite some time and living our lives under the radar even from ourselves don't have an easy time being productively open about feelings/fears/emotions.
Hope kind of comes in weird packages at times. I hope the persona you love as your partner comes back to you feeling more whole and supportive even if he/she emerges as a solidly supportive best friend rather than as a conflicted lover. But no one else can define your hopes for you. I hope you have peace and meaning down the road as you conquer your piece of this struggle.
Hang in there.
Liam