My spouse thinks she/he is trans ftm. I didn't find out till after we got married. She/he was afraid I wouldn't still love her/him. I identify as lesbian. It took me a very long time to come out and live my life as who I am. So it was an adjustment for me but i am in love with this person no matter what. My spouse doesn't want to have bottom surgery and doesn't want to tell her/his family. Says that she/he can't live fully as a male. So for me I find it hard because I have been supportive in whatever she/he wants to do. We bought a packer (that has only been worn once in public well actually to work). I got a binder for her/his birthday, helped pick out a masculine name. I am afraid to use masculine pronouns in case I accidently use them in front of family. Can't use the name we picked out for the same reason. A constant argument is how she/he isn't man enough for me. Which is hard for me because I accept however he/she wants to identify as. It's a constant battle because she/he can't live fully as a male so he is miserable. Which I try to be understanding and supportive all while trying to deal and sort out my own feelings. I just need help in how to deal with this. What I can do to help or make it easier for her/him.

I understand that I am using both pronouns. It is not meant to disrespectful to my spouse or any one in the group. It's just I don't know what to use when we are in limbo on this subject.