Transgender Support Group

This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.

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Rock and a Hard Place

S1lkspyd3r
S1lkspyd3r
Where to begin? I guess a little background. Like most of you, I have issues with gender. I even went to a gender specialist several years ago and was approved for HRT. Unlike some of you, though, I am a master at denial. I have denied having a gaming addiction to thinking I was "okay" and that my problems with being biologically male weren't real. I made myself believe that it was all due to stress and the fact I couldn't admit I"m bisexual.

I've finally been able to admit that I am transgender and I need to transition. This is where I'm in an unusual place. My body doesn't produce testosterone like a normal male. I've had all kinds of tests and scans. Nothing is wrong with me physically. I believe my brain looks at my body and thinks, "I have no idea what the hell to do with this thing." That would be and will be wonderful once I start to transition except for the fact that while I thought I was not transgender I went to the doctor. This is how I found out about the low testosterone. So they put me on testosterone. I swear it sounded like a good idea at the time. Well, its had some lovely affects. Increased body hair, my little thinning hair on my scalp is getting bigger, also my aggression is through the roof. I work in a call center and feel like eating people through the phone.

I know is seems like an easy fix - stop taking it! It's not that simple. If I don't take it I become exhausted to the point that I will fall asleep if I'm not moving. Falling asleep at work will get me fired. Another alternative is to start HRT but that was several years ago. I haven't contacted that therapist to see if it is even an option. I do start seeing another therapist in a couple of weeks. Even if I could still get the letter, I promised my wife that I would give everything a year to see if this is what I believe it is before making any changes.

So there is my dilemma. What does someone do in this situation? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
well the things you are listing with the increased testosterone are common, however what is not common is the inability to deal with it. If you have only been on testosterone for a short time, there is a run in time that you need to go through, but if we are talking 4+ months on it and you aren't adjusting there is something else going on. As for your therapist, your letter should still be valid, the fact that you saw one is the biggest part. The therapist wouldn't be the one who would prescribe them anyhow, it would be an MD or Endo, so either way you wouldn't be dealing with the therapist directly for hormones. You might wait until you see your new therapist you are going to and talk to them on it. You should report the effects you are seeing from the testosterone to your doctor though. They may need to adjust your dosage. What will come of your relationship with your wife if you transitioned? that is one HUGE question you have to ask yourself.
S1lkspyd3r
S1lkspyd3r
I've been on the testosterone off and on for a couple of years now actually. I knew about the affects...I just don't like them. I should have clarified that but I thought I was being too wordy. As for the HRT letter, I probably could contact that therapist but I made a promise to wait. I'm trying to be smart about everything and not rush things. My problem is I feel like I've wasted so much time already.

About my wife...she's what I think about everyday. We have discussed everything and she doesn't judge me. She will likely not stay with me, though. We are staying together right now so she can finish school and stay on my insurance. I don't fault her for thinking about leaving. She says sees me differently now...not bad just different. So even if I don't transition, she isn't sure this is what she wants. And I keep thinking that I should be able to just deal with everything and how could something hurt so much that I risk losing her. We've talked about that, too. She doesn't want me to be unhappy and as much as I would like to say that I would never resent her, I am human. Plus, neither of us wants the other to settle.
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
well the off and on part may be part of the issue, levels fluctuating like that is bad, no matter what kind of hormones you are on be it estrogen or testosterone. Once you are on them you have to stay on them, or be gently brought off them. The question I have is what exactly did you promise to wait for? Therapy is just to help you deal with things and lets face it even estrogen is not "transition". its just a step along the way. Ultimately I don't think it is so much that it hurts your wife is that she cannot reconcile being with a girl, so that makes things odd for her. Sadly though from the sounds of it, its going to go that way anyhow in the future. That said, there is nothing that stops you two from being friends or roommates? If you just promised to not transition, then you need to ask her or rather talk to her about what that actually means, figure out where in the grey area of transition the line is. It may be that therapy and hormones are okay, just not the dressing and such. if that is the case, then you can go that far and give the hormones time to work. there is a lot to be said for taking it slow. I also understand your feeling about having waited to long. your age on here is the same age I started. I have been working through the process for 4 years now. I almost have all my ID's changed over, I just have to do my passport and birth cert (my state allows you to change gender presurgical). Then lastly is SRS which will be a while due to money. It takes time and everyone has their own speed. Don't get so hung up on the end, get hung up on being okay with how you are inside you. that will help you later on with others being okay with you :)