there's really only a few choices, one is to not do it at all due to fear, one is to do it regardless of fear and face whatever comes your way, and last is to move somewhere that is more open. The first one is what you are living now and in the end will get you no progress. The second is riskier but has the rewards of getting where you want to get to and getting to your goals. There are ways to navigate work and things to protect yourself and not make yourself a target. You just have to be willing to put in the effort and think clearly and not try jumping in head first without looking. The last one is uprooting everything and starting completely over. Lots of risk, lots of reward. There are a couple of things I would say though regardless what path you take. Your true self is not defined by clothing, makeup, or any other thing you can put on. It is defined by your mindset. So regardless what you do you technically are always your true self. If you believe that changing your clothing, hair style or makeup is going to alter your life into something wholey different, you may end up very disappointed. I just wanted to throw that out there because to many believe that transition is over when a dress and heels get put on. It is not. it is much more an internal transformation than external. If you see yourself as a man in a dress, so will everyone else. so until you can see yourself as a woman in mens clothing, things may be tough when you do put on the women's clothing. Something to consider.

Hello, Mika.

You mentioned that you have had a lot of tough experiences with difficult relationships prior to your current coming out concerns or pre-coming out concerns. I believe that things are much more dangerous and unsupportive for trans women (if that is how you identify) than trans men. It may be a great investment since you have a supportive partner to connect with a therapist outside of your area and start working on relationship concerns since we tend to replay and renew old problems on some level with new partners or carry old pain so we miss new pleasures. This person may be qualified as your gender support therapist, or that may be a second therapist you will need to help you begin sorting out your best plans and safest plans for gradually expressing more and more outwardly what you are inside. That therapist with expertise with gender concerns will also be a key helper as you decide what pieces of social or physical or presentation change you need in order to feel your best.

It is hard to be patient when so much of not being able to safely express who you are hurts so much, but a good therapist can also help you stay focused on slowing down and making careful small changes that meet your high priorities over a bit of time. Read up on WPATH and do your research on social transitions (clothing, hairstyle, makeup, voice, movement...), medically supported transitions (gender affirming surgeries, hormone therapy, and other plastic surgery for feminization), and other options for self expression including a new legal name and gender identity. The good news is everyone both conceals and expresses only bits of what they are, and we can do that, too.

Hang in there. Sorting these things out takes time, and you are worth it.

Liam

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Mika,

You are a woman based on what is in your head, and you don't need anyone else to give you advice on how to be superb woman. Be yourself and don't deprive the world of any piece of who you are. End of sermon.

I was really nervous about the public pieces of transitions, and career and personal safety issues. However you approach it I think that transitioning isn't any easier than any other piece of growing we do as ordinary humans, but there are some pretty incredible positive feelings in getting comfortable in your own skin and expressing yourself as you are most comfortable. I really agonized before making the first steps of coming out but am so much healthier and happier as myself than the person identified on my original birth certificate.

Everyone's experience is different. What are you biggest questions at the moment? I am a senior trans guy and so WyndWytch and other trans women on this site will likely have better insights for you than I can give, but I am so glad for you that you are courageously starting what I hope is an amazing experience of self discovery and development. Courage!

Liam

Hi I think I biggest questions vary . I have always been female inside my entire life. I have an older sister that encouraged me when I was small to be me. I m almost 40 now and I am finally able to come out of my shell and match what I feel on the inside with the outside. I completely understand that clothing isn’t a magic solution to my problems but it helps me feel comfortable . I never dressed to manly in my life I always wore baggy clothes and when I did wear a suit I hated it so much . I have went out as my female self a few times but had some mixed reactions from people who know me as my male self. I am according to my boyfriend more confidant and natural as my female self which I agree. My voice never changed as an adult I know it sounds weird but it’s true and I was abused verbally . I guess I am just making my first steps in my journey. I’m still trying to think of a new name for myself .

Mika,

We have similar experience though I am transitioning female to male. I was identified as female at birth and have always from my earliest memories identified as male. I was supported as different by my family and we didn't really discuss this but it was passed off as being a tomboy and I didn't see options professionally or otherwise to disclose being transgender until I was 62. I had never dressed in very feminine fashion, and with the clothing industry moving to more unisex styles gravitated toward that.


I had a fairly low voice, but was small even for a woman, and was a bit baby faced.


As I got older I had increasing dysphoria, and got small relief dressing in more formal masculine clothing in my own home since I had a job in a small community and crossdressing would be quite obvious outside of my home. I also used makeup in my home on occasion to be able to see myself with at least the appearance of facial hair.


Those things provided limited relief, but an incident at work led to my coming out at work and shortly after in the community. I connected with my doctor and got a referral to a transgender physician specialist at a university hospital, and started hormone therapy, and wearing a chest binder. Shortly after starting hormone therapy and finding a gender therapist I took a big chance (all out of pocket expense) and had a hair transplant to speed the process of having a beard to masculinize my face. That was a longer process than expected for good longterm results, but almost from the day of that procedure people I did not know were reading me as male. Within a couple of months of starting male hormones, my already low voice deepened significantly. About four months after starting hormone therapy I was able to get a physician note to support changing my name/sex markers and going through that process and revising my birth certificate and other legal documents.


Roughly a year ago I was able to have chest reconstruction surgery and that also came with a sense of amazement looking in the bathroom mirror to see a chest that appears to be male---what I had expected but not seen before.

All of these experiences have felt like finding myself, and there hasn't been any sense of loss in making these permanent changes. All of them have really helped reduce my dysphoria.


I am now scheduled for the first stage of genital reconstruction next month.


The list of transitional changes already accomplished or ongoing looks long to me at this point, but like all other human growth little changes will happen all along the way as I grow and change throughout my life. Transition isn't just a series of projects and then it is over and done. I am still learning what it is to be identified as a man socially, and still learning how to share my experience in positive ways when people don't or can't understand or be supportive in ways that are healthy for me.


Mika, I hope you have a great time finding your new name. I tried out a lot of names privately, was horrified that some of them I would stumble over in social situations, but over the course of a few weeks found a name for myself with good personal and ethnic match, and one my extended family felt good about.


Glad you are on your way on your transitional journey and feeling more confident and natural. I hope you have wonderfully supported experiences ahead.


Take care, Sister.
Liam

I feel like for the first time ever I know exactly what I want . I have relationship issues the guy I’m with is very self centered and I’m just not happy anymore