My name is Caitlyn (at least thats what i wish to be called), last december, i was really struggling, with accepting who i was, i had denied something so clear to me for 15 years, when in your dreams your a girl, when you wake up every morning disappointed, when you cross dress frequently, and put on wake up, its was pretty dam clear what i was. But i really struggled coming to terms with what i was, after suffering from depression for a few weeks around christmas, i came out to a close friend and my sister, later i came out to my parents (2 weeks ago today). On this website i posted a few posts about a number of things, and recently, i have been talking to someone called Joel (Hi Joel if your reading this), via the messenger, who is ftm, and i really do enjoy letting some things off my chest. However, very recently, im having moments of extreme depression. The thing is, Life is very painful, with few highlights to my day, but constanly, i feel like a lanky ill freak, who could never be a girl, because most girls arent tall, and it would look unnateral. I feel that my peers wouldnt accept me, and im scared that bulling would start up again if i ever said anything, i was thinking of transitioning in the summer, after school ends, but the thing, mentally i dont know if i can wait for summer. I dont have the guts to kill my self, but i really do want to end it, its horrible, I would rather feel nothing at all then feeling this moments of intense mental pain. Today in school, there where these boys, who i hadnt had a lesson with for sometime, because there stupid and not in my sets, but because i was doing this computing course thingy, i had to have a lesson with them, as i was walking into the classroom, they starting shouting at me, why you pinched harisons ass, umm my hands are in my pocket bitch what are you talking about. They said everything deliberatly load, so the whole class could hear, omg callum your so gay, holy shit callum, i hate people like you, they said. Mostly people at school leave me alone, because people realise that im kinda depressed, but clearly they didnt get the memo. For the next 20-30 minuets, i was sat on my chair, feeling so empty, i couldn't even cry, i just stared at my computer sceen thinking how i wanted to die so badly, but knowing, because im at school, there was no way to do it, but also knowing, i didnt have the guts to do it. Moments like these make me feel like there no point in living life anymore. Any help, or just some confort, or what ever would be nice, but seriously i have never felt any worse pain.