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I think my wife might want to be my husband

KryptonsLesbian
KryptonsLesbian

Well shit... Hello, I just found this site and could really use someone to talk to... 


Some background... Im a lesbian, and me and my wife have been married just over 3 years now. Im fairly femme, not quite your lipstick lesbian, but not exactly a chapstick lesbian either. But my wife has been more butch than anything since we met. Always felt more comfortable in guys clothes, short hair (that was cut after we starting dating), the works I guess. This is just who she was. And this is the girl I fell for.


Present day. Recently shes been alluding to transmen that she follows on Instagram, and weve joked about some stuff, I.E>if she were born a dude, I bet she wouldve had a big dick(stupid shit), and weve both been curious about what they go through, so surgury stuff has been googled, but I always thought it was out of curiousity... Nothing has been said outloud, but we ended up having a serious conversation about stuff, which was more so me talking, cause I found this site, and told her about a few peoples experiences I read, and we talked about how hard it would be for people to deal with, and it somehow switched around to being towards her if she did, and she just got really quiet. And I started to wonder, so I told her, I love her no matter what, and I want her to be happy. And then it got brought up about the severe truth that I am a lesbian, Im not in any way attracted to men, and she said that if that did happen we are signing up to get divorced, thats what that means, and I could see it in her eyes... It really hit her hard. If she transitioned, she is signing papers. Like they automattically go hand in hand. She stopped talking after that... I told her that I loved her as a person, because it was her mind and her heart that I fell for, and that wouldnt change even if the outside did, that I would 100% give everything I had and try becuase shes worth it and I do love her that much. But even that didnt get a reply, she was kinda shut down after the realization she had... And I feel awful, because I dont want a divorce, I want her. But if shes not who she wants to be, I want her to be happy and be what she is, be her truest self. I support her in whatever she wants, whatever she needs to do to be happy. I just dont know what to think or do... I love my wife, but I dont know what happens if my wife wants to be my husband... And she never said it, but I think she does, and maybe hasnt admitted it yet, or just doesnt want to. Someone help me please...

WyndWytch
WyndWytch
If she is, this is something she has been wrestling with her whole life. Fear of losing everything because of a chance to be herself. That is a hard thing to deal with and the idea that she would lose you too would be terrifying because she wouldn't want that either. She cannot get past that fear and those thoughts. Ultimately she needs to go to a therapist to get diagnosed and all. You constantly telling her that you love her regardless will eventually sink in. Its just going to take time. She has to be able to be comfortable with that being there and being part of her. You can support her and try to reassure her you are and always will be there with her, but she has to accept it on her own
KryptonsLesbian
KryptonsLesbian
Yea thats true, and I appreciate that. She actually does she a therapist right now, dealing with anxiety and depression, and Ive told her she should talk to her about this, but she hasnt, and idk if she will, Im the only person shes ever even talked about it with, and we technically didnt even talk about it in a real sense, it was all hypotheticals. Im 25, and shes about to turn 30 this year. We both are from conservative households, and have both done a lot just to get where we are, and shes in a good place with her family right now, and I know that would also turn up on end if she did have to come out all over again, but we both know that no one would honestly be surprised... Shes just boyish, thats who she is, and I love that about her. Idk I just feel stuck I guess. I will support her no matter what, I will stand beside her through it all, even if its breaking my heart, because she, of all people, deserves to be happy. And that comes first. Weve barely spoken since all that last night, and all I wanna do is comfort her and tell her again that Im here, but I feel like I cant say, 'and I always will be' anymore, because now I dont wanna lie if I dont know... Becuase I would try, even though Im not attracted to men, I am in love with her heart and her mind, I would give it everything I had, but I just dont know if the inside out weights the outside... And I dont wanna be rude or insensitive, because I know this is harder on her, and I dont wanna say the wrong thing, but idk...
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
Well then you can still tell her youre here and give her a nice big hug and then change the subject to something entirely different. Just something yoj two would talk about on a normal day. Show her this realization hasnt changed anything between you two and that shes the same person, youre the same person and all is well. When i came out people stopped talking to me. They didnt know what to say, i had to go up to them and talk to them like i did the day before and they all just went back to normal. You can do that. Sot her down take her hand and tell her that you love her and that youre there for her to do what you can. Give her a hug or whatever and then go do something or change the subject to aomething you two would chat about normally. Go out to a movie, dinner, something to get things back to normal. She will be okay. Right now shes outside of comfort zone, get her back into it ;) things will get better and easier. No one can know the future but youre willing to try. Thats what she needs. Someone who accepts her now.
tonyamelbourn
tonyamelbourn
hi i am not a lesbian but i am a man who wants to be a female and all i can say to you is don't rush things if you love here ask her to go with you to some counseling so that you can get use to here as she wants to be she may be just looking for that acceptance from you and you also need support as what you are facing is quite the complex matter ant it
i am your friend and i hope this will help you both love is something worth holding onto when you find it don't be so quick to sign the divorce papers
waynequ@shaw.ca or me at Tonya melbourn@shaw.ca
Inkcreature
Inkcreature
Hello. I stumbled across this post because I was going to write the same post. I was in your place about a year ago. My wife (at the time) started dropping hints and eventually came out to me about 8 months ago. He started HRT shortly after. I feel like I've lost my wife. He's a completely different person now than he was 8 months ago. It has been one of the hardest challenges of our marriage.. and I'm not even sure we're going to make it through it. I keep searching for my wife but she's just gone. I'm falling out of love and trying so desperately to hold on to the marriage I once was in love with. I need advice! Is this marriage even salvageable?
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
Depends on the situation. you are looking for a woman in your husband. there isnt a woman there. so if you cant love the man, then there isnt anything that can be done simple as that. He is still the same person he was, but He is not a She. you said you keep looking for your wife. you wont find your wife. You always had a husband. So its really going to be based on what you were looking for and you and he need to communicate. you dont like something talk to him about it, find a middle ground. that is what you have to do in a marriage. If you are willing to stop looking for a female in your husband and you both talk things out yes you can safe it, but if you are going to keep looking for a woman in there, you are doomed. he has to be who he is and you would have to be able to accept him for that and all.
princesschattycathy
princesschattycathy
Ink- would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling? These are big issues you are dealing with and having a neutral party who helps improve communication could be very valuable. I agree with WyndWytch too, your husband is different than your wife but ultimately you have to accept him for who he is. There is a process of grief and loss that comes with this type of situation and you will have to go through it and in the end you may find the qualities you fell in love with still exist in your husband and can fall in love all over again.
Cathy
KryptonsLesbian
KryptonsLesbian
I really appreciate all of your comments they have helped so much. A little while after we had that initial convo my wife came to me to talk, and she told me she did a lot of thinking and research and discovered what a demiboy is and said that that felt right. So now, present day, (and I’m sorry I haven’t been back on sooner) but now we are in a pretty good place. It’s still a middle ground I’d say, but she said that she just feels boyish more than anything. She doesn’t feel compelled to have surgery or to actually transition to a man, but she doesn’t really feel like a woman either. She said that’s obviously subject to change, but that’s where we are now. She picked a mans name that she now goes by with me, and has just started to process how she wants to transition with things such as pronouns. But she’s just trying to reconnect with herself, and really figure herself out. And I’m fully supportive of her with whatever she decides and I keep reassuring her of that, dispite the possibility of future changes and divorce because of it coming up sometimes. I love her and him, whoever they want to be, whoever they truly are. But I can’t say that the possibility of her one day transitioning to a man doesn’t scare me as far as our relationship, and make me sad. Because it does. But it also makes me incredibly happy for her and proud of her, if that’s what she one day decided to do. She’s not had the easiest life and deserves the moon and the stars. If anyone deserves to be happy and be who they are, it’s her. I’ve told her I will always love her and I’ll always be here for her. This is a complicated situation, and it has many variables and possibilities, but no matter what I support her. Because she is the love of my life. So for now, and until something changes, she is luke, and maybe soon I’ll be saying he. And I know she worries about if every new transition will be too much for me, if the next one will be it and I’ll want out. But I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. So Luke and I are ok, and he’s perfect. And I’m trying my best.
Dean_Novak
Dean_Novak
I am glad to hear that you have found a current equilibrium. I hope it all works for y'all. Keep trying your best, that's what you can do. You can only control yourself and your response.

This is the conversation I am most worried about having with my husband who is in your boat - he signed up to have a wife. We're in or upper 30s and have been together 14 years/married for 6. I basically came out to him as NB like a week ago, but I think it was mostly to not shock him. But I don't even really know, I'm looking at gender councilors but if I pull the trigger on that I am worried I will lose him.