Ok so I a 21 year old who, currently is a female biologically, and maybe a guy mentally? To be honest, I'm not really sure. 

I have literally never felt comfortable in my body, but I've also never really associated that with the possibility that I might really be a man on the inside. I didn't grow up hearing about transgender people or issues, I didn't even know what that word meant until my junior year of high school. That wasn't that long ago! 

But all through out my childhood, pre-teens, and teenage years I felt off as a female. I didn't like playing with Barbies, I didn't like wearing girl clothes, and I had more in common with guys then I ever have with girls. But again, I've never really associated those things with maybe not being a female mentally. It just wasn't a thought, though I do remember wishing I were a boy more times then I count. I kind of just thought it was a part of growing up and becoming me, I thought everyone went through it at some point. 

In my first year of college, I really felt out of place. I wore boy clothes from the boy section of the store because it fit better, both physically and mentally.  I didn't even own a "real" bra until I started working at Lane Bryant a year and half ago, I was 19 when I got my first "real" bra. 19.

I've also never been attracted to girls though. I'm most definately attracted to guys. So if I am a guy, then I'm gay? I really don't know much about being transgender, but I've done a lot of research on FtM transitioning. I'm that kind of person who needs to do a lot of research about something before I even consider thinking about it. In this case I felt this way, and immediately researched the transition process.

It's not being a guy that worries me, and it's not telling my family that Im a guy, or even the time and money part of transitioning that worry me. It's the what if I transition after however long and then find out that no, I am in fact a woman. 

Is that weird? I mean I'm totally all for testing it out, without doing anything permanent, and seeing how it feels. Heck I even talked to my mom about it and she told me that if I do really feel this way then she gets to pick my name because and I quote "I was going to name you this if you were a boy anyway". I don't mind it, she wanted to name me Charles, Charlie for short, or Eliot, Eli for short. So we picked Eli because it fit me more then Charlie did.

So it's really not being a guy that makes me nervous or confused, it's the what if I end up not being a guy but it's too late.

I know it take a lot of time to really know and actually be able to make that decision, but still what if! I don't even know where to go from here to be honest.