Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
So I have come to nearly 100% terms with the fact I am a transgender woman. Which in and of itself i wonderful. As I feel better about myself than I ever have in my whole life, I feel more alive or even alive for the first time in my life.
BUT!! This is causing such a strain on wife and our relationship, that I've never felt worse in my life.
She doesn't understand and I don't think she wants to. Her questions, and comments are all about way to stop, not about ways to support.
She's yet to find a therapist for herself, I hope when she does she can start to understand a little.
It's really something I've never felt better, And I've never felt worse. And then two feel both those feeling at the exact same time is just tearing me apart inside.
BUT!! This is causing such a strain on wife and our relationship, that I've never felt worse in my life.
She doesn't understand and I don't think she wants to. Her questions, and comments are all about way to stop, not about ways to support.
She's yet to find a therapist for herself, I hope when she does she can start to understand a little.
It's really something I've never felt better, And I've never felt worse. And then two feel both those feeling at the exact same time is just tearing me apart inside.
This sounds like an impossible situation where you will have to choose between two things that hurt. It's going to be hard and it sounds like all you can really do is try to pick the one that hurts the least. That's a sucky place to be. No one should have to feel that way.
From there, there are 2 remaining considerations. First is what does she feel about being with a woman? If this is something that absolutely disgusts her because she is hard core straight, there is little you can do. You MIGHT be able to redefine the nature of your relationship, however that depends on how much work is willing to be put into things. The second is Shock, How long ago did you tell her or introduce her to the concept? If you have been together for a long time, and she has never been exposed to this topic before, it will take her a long time to come to terms with the fact the situation for someone exists and even longer to grasp that the situation exists with her mate. So the things that she says that seem like ways to stop may be little more than her still trying to grasp the entire thing and come to terms with it herself. We, as the ones having fought it all our lives, often get locked into this concept of "This is about me and no one else" but that is so far off the proper course it is ridiculous. We are the ones transitioning yes, but we have to remember those we choose to keep in our lives are as well. They are going to get dragged along with us whether they wish to or not. Its kind of like a water skier and the boat. The boat turning is all about the boat going in a different direction, but the skier has no choice but to get dragged into the turn with it. The other option is to let go and deal with the harsh wake in the water to get free. We are the boat and they are our skiers. If they choose to let go, there is the wake they will hit and it's ours... sometimes they glide over it, sometimes they fight it hard and we feel it.
So why bring that up? Because where you may be ready to jump right it, she obviously is not. This means that IF you intend to try to keep the marriage, you may forever be linked to her grasping and readiness to move forward. You nor her will be able to move faster in anything than the slower of you both. That is what being together means. So where you are going to transition, you are taking her too and the harder you pull her when she isn't ready the harder she is going to fight. You don't have to lose one or the other, you just have to go slow.
I rejoice with you and for you, in that you're figuring out who you are and embracing who are. I also grieve for you and with you for the turmoil. I also grieve for and with your wife. Everything has been stood on it's head. I bet your wife feels like the ground is moving under her feet. Mine did. I'm not Moses coming down from the mountain, but...
You both need reassurance. Something to consider trying-
Ask her to sit with you on your couch, take her hand, each of you close your eyes and keep them closed. All that's left are your voices, your touch, and the things that drew you together-the truly important things, the inner character qualities. These things know no gender and are the real reasons you fell in love and got married and are not going to change.
You understand she's confused, even scared, and doesn't understand. So are you-confused, scared; who wouldn't be? You don't understand either- how can you be this genetically non-whole being? But you are.
Tell her the inner things you love about her, ask her to do that for you. Take the focus off the gender issue and focus on the larger human being-quality character things. It's not just you or her, it's us. Assure her of your love for her, ask her to partner with you, that you're marriage is worth it. Together, pick a therapist to see each of you and then as a couple, screw the cost. In spite of all this, you may end up parting. You can't be the old you anymore, it would be tantamount to suicide. I hope this helps.