I am 35 years old and have felt "different" since i can remember. When i was very young i thought i should be a boy not a girl. As I got older I didnt know whether I was supposed to be a boy or a girl but I somehow knew it wasnt right to feel that way and be unsure and I have kept my feelings secret up until very recently when I started talking to a therapist and it has all got really present. It has haunted me through my whole life but I have tried to push it away. Recently I have tried finding books or stuff about people who feel like i do but havent been able to. Everyone seems sure that they are either man or woman and whether transgender or not. I feel like I dont know what it feels like to be either - I dont feel like i am a woman but i dont feel I want to become a man either because I dont know what that is or what being a man is like either. Dont know if this makes sense. The whole gender things seems so binary that i should either feel like a man or a woman, know that is what I feel like and if that is not what I physically am then I would be transgender. Everyone seems so sure of what they are and I am not sure at all. I dont feel like I have a gender at all. That would be fine if I felt ok with that but I dont, it is the most terrible thing to feel. It is like I cant exist as a real person if I dont have this piece of identity which is missing. I dont know how to talk about it because all the language for this is binary - men/women, male/female etc - and if you dont know how you fit into that how do you talk about the ambiguity, there is no words for it and no way of knowing if the person you are trying to communicate with understands because they know what it feels like to be man/woman so how can they understand about not knowing when the language you have to explain is so inadequate and there are no common frames of reference to use. Are their other people who don't feel sure or who started out that way and how do i find out about them. I really need help and am so lonely with it because I dont know anyone who really understands.
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