There is going to be an amount of shock that will come with telling poeple about your situation. They aren't going to understand and will need time to process it. I am pretty sure this is why your mom reacted as she did, her initial reaction was the one she really meant, then came the shock mentally that came with the "revelation". It will take them some time to deal with it but after a short bit of time they will realize you haven't changed, and infact are showing more of yourself than you ever have before. You just have to be open with them and talk to them is all. In the meantime, find a therapist, begin your sessions and start moving. You have time to till you will get to where everything is going, so take it slow, take your time. Just like everyone else needs to adjust, you have a whole new life to learn to live in and that takes a while. I had the same fears when i started almost 4 years ago. I tested the water with a few friends that were distant and moved on from there, but always moving slowly to adjust to the new step I was on. I recently made the full move to full time, so name has been changed, as has gender markers and all. I still work at the same company as i have for the last nearly 9 years and everyone is slowly adjusting to it well enough. So again, just take your time and step slowly through everything so you can adjust as can everyone else.

Hey, Shlay..It has been awhile.

I hope that things work out for you.

Dear Jack,
My mom told me about the same thing. I'm an MtF lesbian, and my mom just thinks I'm gay. No matter what I do, I will always be my mom's baby boy... So I take my small victories and embrace them. I recently dyed my hair and cut my hair to a choppy scene style and I got really cute sunglasses and a spunky fedora that I have been wearing around for a while. Stay strong and embrace every change that you make, for even the smallest change unlocks a plethora of ways to express yourself.

Forever yours,
Rachael.

Thank you everyone. I am taking it slow. I went to my local Pride center today and made an appt to meet with a nurse, then the doctor.

My wife learned a lot that I couldn't explain myself. They were very helpful. I never felt more natural in my life. No one even batted an eyelash.

The person who did my intake gave me the number for a couples group, so my wife and I can deal with this together. There are other groups as well, and I plan on attending them.

I really have the best wife in the world. Today, when we were walking to lunch, (at the same place we got engaged at and had our wedding dinner) told me that she can't wait to be here for me every step of the way.

She sees how much being myself lights up my soul. She is happy for me that I am not lying anymore. '

Next step is to buy new clothes, get a satchel (because I just carry everything with me because I take the bus), and buy a good binder.

I'm almost in tears. I'm finally free.

Jack,

I wanted to wait until others offered their views before I posted mine but before I do, I'd like you to know that I transitioned in 1987 when transgender was not even a word, and I have lived as a male all my life because I have been a male ever since I can possibly remember.

But I digress, I am going to write down all the things I usually write out for all the soon to be FTMs on this forum, some you will not like and some you might but truth is never pleasant and I only say what needs to be said.

First things first, you say you hate the body that you are in which is understandable; however, until you accept your present predicament entirely, you will not get very far on the peace of mind realm. You also say that you cannot imagine what it would be like to have a male body, also understandable.

However, I would like you to understand that you are not going to get a brand new body, it will be the same body save for a few adjustments. It is true that with HRT, you may or may not grow body hair, you may or may not lose your hair, you may or may not be able to be muscular.

Testosterone is a very powerful hormone, and in the body who produces a very small amount, its effects will be noticeable. You will have to be in the care of a qualified endocrinologist to not only measure your T levels but you'll have to check your cholesterol levels (which will shoot up like gangbusters, I went from 120 to 180 in a matter of months, I am now fixed at 200) also if you smoke you'll have to quit because T increases the likelihood of heart attack by 35%. Your fat distribution will change so if you are a beer drinker you may grow a gut as you get older. Your breasts may or may not decrease and you will eventually have to get a complete hysterectomy to lower the risk of ovarian cancer as the ovaries atrophy will dose of T you put into your body. The cutoff time to get a hysterectomy should be between two to five years.

Those are the physiological effects of T. The psychological effects will be more drastic. Your threshold for anger will shorten during the first two years of HRT, so I strongly recommend you stay with a therapist during the adjustment, so that anger management is also on the menu for you. Your thinking process will go from abstract to linear, and your ability to express emotion will decrease, in other words, your ability to cry will lessen which will further frustrate you but as with everything else, you'll learn to accept it.

Your current relationship may or may not be affected by this in ways you cannot imagine so if I were you I would not start counting on that too strongly. I have seen many a relationship terminate during transition because the adjustment is too much for both parties to bear. In the first five years, you'll be a bear with a horrid case of fleas, let's not say I did not warn you.

Now for the real bear of my post, adjusting to a man's world will not be easy, male society is not for the faint of heart. You'll have to navigate in very stormy seas, while at the same time trying to find a n identity for yourself. My best advice, be yourself no matter what. Learn from your experience as a female and add that to your list of attributes.

Most FTMs would rather forget who they were before they transition and it is a huge mistake because like it or not, it is something that was meant for you to have as an experience. This is not some cosmic joke, this happened for you, so make the best of it.

In closing, I wish you the best and ask you to learn flexibility, and patience with everyone and everything. While in the throes of T, you will not be able to be patient but if you make it a daily practice, it will be second nature.

The main reason why I ask you to be flexible is that everything in your life will change, and I mean everything, and you will lose a lot in the process but if you start the journey by loving and accepting yourself as you are right now, this moment in time, the journey will be less daunting and the lessons you learn along the way will be added unto you for your benefit.

Best of luck,
Wolf
Wolf (FTM since 1987)

Thank you, Wolf. I don't intend to sound rude, but I am fully aware of everything you mentioned. My first boyfriend of 4 years (we still talk every day) is FTM. I walked with him through his journey.

As for a males world... I prefer it. All of my life I have just been "one of the guys" with my friends. I find it very had to identify with females. I know the hormones, mood swings, how women want to be treated... Because I've present as a woman (more of a butch lesbian) my whole life.

I never want to forget how I feel as a female body'ed person.

I know my body will never fully change, as much as I wish it could. I know that T will make a lot of changes in my life. I know because I have seen it happen for the past 10 years of my life. I've dated FTMs, MTFs and every gender/sex in between.

I'm not looking for "drastic" changes,because I know not to "expect" anything. The two things I am for sure about is top surgery and getting a hysterectomy.

I am already looking into anger management programs because I've always had a short temper and I know I will need to get it under control if I am to start T.

Thank you for the tips and information I didn't know.

As for the crying, well, I've never really been good at crying anyways.

sounds a lot like my mum's reaction when i bought extentions and came home in a skirt.
i think you should go with it; it's you and NO ONE can change that. it sounds like you have a lovely lady supporting you? and your hair probably looks amazing (i haven't seen it; so "probably")
i say, go with it one step at a time.
i helped my sister make a binding once, so if you don't know how, i can give you some basic intructions for a homemade one.