i have had the same feelings for years and this has been the first time that u felt i could actually search and talk about it as like u i have no one here in person that i could even imagine talking to. i like u love girls clothes and makeup my feelings have just got stronger and stronger but i have young children and i am married. everything about it is so scary but i suppose the more we can talk to people the more sense and easier it will get.

I have the same problem. been having these feelings for very long time......45 years to be exact.
i am religious, christian, which makes it harder. I am older, 57 which makes it harder.
i love wearing girl clothing, makeup, everything. always have. always have in secret. love it. want to come out but will lose my friends and family. i know, i have hinted and listened to their opinions, i would be thrown out and laughed, humiliated, shamed and persecuted.
I too have a wife and kids. one kid left at home.
i am torn up inside, been in turmoil for many years, yet continue dressing up and all when i am alone.
I masterbate often wearing panties, bras, lingerie anything smooth and silky feeling. yes, i am an old pervert i guess.i even go online to camfrog and show myself. i need a friend to talk to as well.

This is my life as well, secretly dressing up to make myself feel right. Hiding what I am doing and who I am from my wife and children. Knowing that if I came out or they found out it would mean me losing everything. I am hoping to find some help and support here.

I've been a lifelong closeted transsexual. About 13 years ago, I decided to begin the process of transitioning into a female body. I started to take estrogen pills which I got from an overseas pharmacy without a doctors prescription. I used advice from information from other transsexuals on the internet. I started to let my hair grow out and started to shave everywhere on my body. I started to buy cloths, shoes and makeup, and started to go out on the weekends to gay bars that supported that clientele. I had a friend from work, who was a lesbian, whom I confided in about this. I started to see a female psychologist, who actually wrote a recommendation to a hormone doctor that I begin treatment, but it was rejected because she was only a psychologist, and not a therapist. To make a long story short, after a couple of months I decided to abandon the lifelong wish to do this. The main reason was because I didn't look like a woman. Even my female friend told me I didn't. I had a great slim figure, 130 lbs, but my face was too masculine. I sent my photos to a plastic surgeon in San Francisco, who suggested a few procedures that would feminize my face, but he was talking about 5 to 10 thousand dollars, which I couldn't afford by a long shot. One of the other reasons was that I was starting to feel my nipples enlarge and read that after three months of hormones any changes in my body would be irreversible. If I couldn't get the sex change operation, I would end up being an abnormal freak. I've always felt uncomfortable in society. I just wasn't strong enough, emotionally, to go through the ridicule of people, and being labeled a freak by society. If I couldn't pass as a female it didn't make sense to me to try and pursue this dream. I'd end up feeling even more excluded from society then I already felt. I've always just wanted to fit it with straight society, to be like everyone else, have a boyfriend or husband, girlfriends and a normal social and sex life. It's a cruel punishment, the cards life has dealt me, not being able to act upon my desires, my basic sexual yearning for an average, everyday masculine guy. I hunger to kiss, touch and hug a man, not a gay man, but a man who desires a woman. I've fallen in love with probably about four men in my life, who were just normal straight guys. They never knew. I would say to myself, God. How can you be so cruel, everyone else gets to experience the simple pleasures of life, why did you inflict this on me, I have the soul, mind, interests and desires of a female, but you've given me this body of a male. How can I ever really be happy with the person you've created?
When I was 18, I thought I was gay because I was so young and confused, and thought that because I was attracted to men, that must mean that I was gay. It was a different time and generation back then. At first it didn't sink in, that even though when I saw a gay man who I thought was attractive, after he spoke and showed his personality, I was kind of turned off and the attraction faded away instantly. At that time I thought, I'll find someone else who's different eventually, but after a few years I finally realized that what I really craved and wanted was a man who wanted a woman, and for me to be seen as a woman by him. A man who lusted after a female, who wanted a pussy to fuck, which is normal behavior for a heterosexual male human being. The few times that I actually engaged in sex with a gay man were awkward, unpleasant and left me feeling confused. There is nothing more repugnant and painful than anal sex. When I look back on those years it sickens me to think that I was that naive to degrade myself into believing that I was a homosexual. I really have nothing against gay men, I just don't approve of some of their habits and sexual practices. I would see the drag queens, with their flamboyant and obnoxious personalities, and think to myself, that's not me at all. I'm just a regular average gal. Even in my fantasies, it's a straight missionary position that I visualize with my imaginary boyfriend. Lately, it's becoming harder and harder to cope with life, because if I find myself in contact with a straight man whom I'm attracted to, those desires and feelings start to bubble up inside me again, and I realize that I will never have a normal, healthy male/female relationship with a man, EVER!
I could go on and on, but I'll stop now. I recently responded to straight men's personals on Craigslist with a picture of a regular, pretty and simple girl. I received many replies, but that made me feel sad because I knew it was only a fantasy which would never come true, our actually meeting. I guess, I felt it was the closest I could come to being in a heterosexual experience, even though it was based on a lie. A couple of the responses were guys I knew I could really fall in love with, just by looking at their face and eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. The attached photo was the one that I used, that's who I really feel like on the inside-internally, but unfortunately that's not who I am on the outside, the body and the face that I have to present to the world, everyday, for the rest of my life.

I wish I could help you all go with you shopping for make up girlie clothes do your hair so you can feel FREE to be who you are meant to be or want to be I'm praying for you all to have peace of mind feel free to contact me if you want to talk or vent I'm here and I don't judge I live life like it's GOLDEN

Hi, Liam here. I am a trans man with the opposite situation from yours, but the main thing that would set you apart as trans is if you have real discomfort when you are in a male role. If you love cross-dressing at times but primarily feel good about yourself as male too, then enjoy both experiences. If you have great discomfort or sweeping sadness as a male and feel you are really female, that discomfort or "dysphoria" is a common experience of transgender people. Read everything you can find about treatment for transgender people. You will find that counseling helps with side concerns like anxiety and depression but not with getting rid of the dysphoria, and hormone therapy and surgery give great life saving results to the half of us who are transgender and also suicidal. Get online and check to find LGBT support groups in your area---go and listen. Research MTF gender transition or Trans Woman transition on the internet to learn about what you would go through with this process. Coming out to people you love can be awful or wonderful, and talking to medical staff has the same range. If transgender is what you are, then you aren't stuck transitioning and you can make adjustments to have a great life, but the transition options are there for you to consider.

So, if you are a great guy who takes pleasure in sensuous women's garments, but are a guy at heart, enjoy and let it add to your life. God bless you.

If you are at heart a woman needing to express yourself as a woman in all areas to feel whole, know that as a transgender person you have a lot of brothers and sisters pulling for you and feeling for you and praying for you. Hang in there. Many major medical centers have a gender clinic, and if you don't first seek services there may be able to help you find a family doctor with a good listening ear to hear these concerns. There is a lot of hope. Hang in there.

Liam