being that you have completely isolated yourself from them, you have to decide if its even worth bringing up. If you tell them now, you are right it may make it so they won't be able to fix everything that is wrong on their side, so that it can all mend. If it happens you won't know because you don't talk to them as it is. Depending on if they ever put blood first, then eventually they should come around either way in this case as well. I think if I was in your situation, I would just send them a hand written letter and be done. I wouldn't call them or anything, I would just send it to them so they know in the case they ever do try to reach you that they can expect that. Don't give them the option to toss in their opinion, just say this is how it is. From there, you just have to wait and see. In my case, I called my mom and told her. She knew I was going back into therapy AGAIN for depression, but I didn't tell her why as I already knew the source. Anyhow, once I got my letter I called her and let her know. From there the secret was kept for about a year from everyone else in the family. I told my niece next, who told her dad, who told my other brother, who called my mom, so on... anyhow long story short, she ran interference for some of it and aside from the odd moments where someone makes a comment that some might consider off color, it all works well, even with the really religious ones. Course in my family the Extremely religious ones are the minority, most believe in god, but aren't die hard like it sounds like your family is.

Jennifer,

Windy makes excellent points but I'd like to offer another perspective by answering your questions

Is it worth getting in contact with them? Given that they are as religious as you described and your father is a rabid homophobe do you think it would be something you really want to do at this moment in time?

How have other gone about telling family? To the members of the family that were nearby I did not say anything, I just went about my life and waited until they got up the nerve to ask me and when they did it was less than accepting so I stopped talking to them altogether.

My mom and sister, I waited until I was well into my transition to informed them because I did not want to hear that it was a phase etc. They stopped talking to me for 15 years but I still call them every birthday and holidays. They were never abusive or thoughtless simply did not know what to say to me which I can fully understand,now that we cleared the air we are very close.

What to do if I am cut off from family because of this? If your transition is all it take for them to cut you off, do you really want to be a member of that family? You did not rob a bank or commit a heinous crime yet you are disowned? Consider it a gift, it would be preferable than having to be constantly harassed and reminded of what a messed up person you are or worse that you are going to hell. I told the hostile members of my family that I would save them a seat when I got to hell, it was the least I could do for them.

Now let's examine the sentence you wrote "I love my family, i'm just confused" So i will ask you directly, how can you say that you love people who mistreat you? Or you can love them at a distance, but love is a very complex emotion but love them to the extent that you are concerned to be disowned by a sociopath or emotional abusers is not healthy love.

I think that it would be a good idea to work on your transition and get your feet on the ground, adjust to your new life and learn to love and appreciate yourself first and then revisit the idea of informing your family. You may discover that after all of that, you may not even want to give them the satisfaction of saying anything negative to you.

I say this because there is no law that states that you must inform others about decisions that you are making with your life as an adult. If you managed to be away from them all this time, I am not quite grasping why you would want to put yourself in a precarious position. Specially so early in your transition.

I am a firm believer that transition is a very personal and private issue, that only people who appreciates us and loves us unconditionally get to know about it but that's just me. I am not the "let me write an op-ed page in the New York Times so even the janitor in my former school finds out about my most private journey"type. Noooo! Not even close.

And if they find out about it, as my not so close family did and they demand to know why you did not tell them, explain to them, as I did, telling them about it is akin to handing them a schedule of bowel movements for the month, that personal an issue that you feel it had nothing to do with them and it does not since it is your life and lastly, if they bring up the "you are messing with God's creation" remind them that God made you that way to show them God's works through you, in other words to show them exactly how much of a Christian they are or not.

Mind you, if they were nice, understanding folks I would have given you an entirely different spin on it. All the same, they may or may not come around but I would not hold my breath. In the end, you will need to decide whether to be at peace or simply add more problems to an already difficult journey.

My two ruble's worth,
Wolf (FTM since 1987)

Hi Jennifer, sorry that your having a hard time with your family. When it comes to coming out and transitioning, you will run into people who are supportive in you, and there will also be people who are not. Looking on the bright side of things, at least you are seeing a therapist, although it is not clear wither the specialist is a gender therapist , who should be experienced enough, to help you deal with your family members, friends, and whatever else comes to mind. If you are cut off from your family members, then it is their lost, hopefully in time that they might start opening up in accepting you. This doesn't happen over night, but don't let ignorance get in the way of your transitioning, its your happiness is what is important.

Thanks for the support everyone, I've written a letter several times, decided it was inadequate and threw it away. The medical care I receive is through the V.A. and the therapist is one who specializes in sexual trauma as well as the gender identity cases.

I have had difficulty communicating with my parents, I'm not sure why but I knew at a young age that when my parents asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, responding "a girl" would cause trouble. Leaving out that key part of my personality my parents never really got to know me. I went to "bible camps" in the summers and never got the nerve to say I didn't want to go. Went hunting with my dad and brothers. It was only after returning from Iraq I could say no, I never want to handle a firearm again.

I guess I'm thinking that if I can say, "here is the real me" maybe we can start to patch things up. I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

((Hugs))

you never know until you try. The thought of losing family is a hard one and I wish I could say that it never happens, but it does. One can only hope that parents love them enough to see past pettiness and see that you are the same person and their child, you are just showing an element they have never seen. It may allow things to mend, it may not, but at this point as you really aren't close to them, you have way more to gain than to lose.