Transgender Support Group

This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.

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Penny_Varis 11/10/2017

Hi, I'm Kailey, a transgender girl of 21. This is my first time really posting anything in a support group setting, so if I'm doing anything wrong, please let me know. Anyways, I'm 21, still living at home; (I know, super cool..) I came out to my parents for the second time about a week ago. I say second time though I think the number is closer to a thousand. I knew I was supposed to be a girl since I could remember anything, and was pretty adamant about that fact when I was little. My mom didn't really care, I think she thought it was just a phase. It all changed for me however, when she remarried to my step-father, who was not nearly as accepting. I figured out pretty quickly that if I wanted to escape the physical and emotion bruises of that dictatorship I was going to have to "man up", and I did, to my shame. I laughed at the crude jokes pretended to want to be covered in mud and throw things around (To be clear, nothing wrong with a woman that wants to do that, herself. Just not my cup of tea.), and played the part. I tried coming out to a few friends in high school with predictable results... While in the psych ward recovering from my third suicide attempt I got diagnosed with Bipolar, and anxiety disorders. As if I wasn't already enough of a trainwreck.. So somehow, between the near-constant panic attack, depression, and wild mood swings I managed to graduate highschool; things where looking up. I had managed to convince myself that my gender dysphoria was a product of the mental illness and I tried to embrace being a guy. And for awhile, it worked. I got a nice job doing IT, was in college for music education, I want to teach. That lasted four whole semesters before my house of cards collapsed. I read an artical about trans youth in the news, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, my mood flew south for the winter and the panic attacks hit me again, and again, and again. I couldn't eat, I eventually was hospitalized because I lost twenty pounds (9kg) in a month. Lost my job because of it. My grades made a similiar trip as my mood worsed. I ended up dropping out before I failed out, and had to move back in with my parents. Which leads me to now, having come out a second time. My mother is happy for me but between the side comments and disgusted looks I'm afraid my step-dad is going to kick me out. Where I have nowhere to go, and can barely make it to the mailbox without having a panic attack...

Sorry... Didn't mean to write a book, just kinda started typing.. >.<

WyndWytch 11/10/2017

so first off welcome, second no you did nothing wrong so all good there and the book is fine, its a good way to get your feelings out by just typing and not thinking about it. Now to the situation, you are going to have to trust your mother on this one. He has the power to kick you out yes, but in doing so he will also cause a shard between them. You are her kid and if she is fine with it all he can do is grit his teeth and try to push for you to get work or what not. So right now she is your shield. Now recommendation, don't do any drastic changes. Get in to see a therapist so you can get the anxiety and panic under control or go see a general practice for medication or ask about valerian root which is a natural sedative (don't take without doc approval though like anything else) its over the counter homeopathic stuff, but I use it for my panic attacks. So get that under control so you can get your life moving forward again and get back to your feet. once you get there then you can do the more visible changes and there isn't anything he can do to you over it. In the event that he does kick you out, there are places you can go. Shelters and things like that, are available pretty well everywhere and while not optimal they are better than the street and give you a chance to still get on your feet. For now try to not worry about what he could do. Instead ignore him and plan for getting back on your own. Right now you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in your gut, so worry about getting a plan and a job together to get back on your own again and where you can be away from him while you need to. Therapist if needed to help with things or a psych to do therapy and meds if needed.

Penny_Varis 11/10/2017

Thanks for the feedback, and I am trying to find a good therapist in my area, that is also covered by my insurance. I do already have a psychiatrist because of my bipolar, (I'm on lithium and nimpodine and have tried almost every other med in existence to try and help with that). My problem there is that I'm in a super rural area, in the middle of pro "cheeto-in-chief" territory. The nearest LGBTQ center is almost 40 miles away, and at the moment driving is doable, but extremely stressful. I've been trying to do some google research, but does anyone here know if there are any online therapy places that I could get covered by insurance?

Gutted 11/10/2017

Hey Penny, nice to meet you. Your post really drove home the complex nexus between mental health and gender identity. I would suggest at least part of the depression and anxiety could be stemming from your struggle to understand, accept and be accepted by loved ones because of the trans issue.

I'm so glad that you are feeling more confident about that piece. I agree with Wynd that avoiding sudden change is really important right now. Still you are not in a healthy environment if your step-father is being negative to you.

Are you in counseling? Hopefully that was part of your step down in the last inpatient stay. Perhaps trying to find a day treatment program where you could spend each day in a supportive environment as you continue to stabilize. If not please prioritize seeing your therapist as often as they can schedule you and stay on your medication. Work with your therapist on a plan to identify what triggers your decompensation, signals that you are beginning a downward spiral and plan out early action steps to keep yourself from bottoming out again.

You need to link with the LGBTQ community for emotional support and any support groups in your local area. If support is thin on the ground where you're at, hit Susan's and other trans friendly websites. Find other trans individuals that you can really relate to and let them know you are looking for people to talk to about issues. Once you find people you feel comfortable with and trust, rely upon them when you hit a rough spot. Prioritize taking care of yourself above all other considerations right now.

Keep your chin up and remember there is only one you and every single human being matters. No matter what you've been through or where you're headed the world will a sadder place without you.

Friend or PM me if you need to talk!

Sharingmythoughts 11/10/2017

I know its easy to say be true to yourself especially with so many closed minded and negative people in this world but that is what you have to do.
Trying to fit in and being who you are not is adding to the panic attacks and mental issues.
If you are going to be at your mom's for a while try talking to her, since she is accepting of you, about her husband. She should speak with him about NOT making you feel uncomfortable and NOT making negative comments to you and about you. Please do not attempt suicide anymore. You are not responsible for the ignorance of others and you may be the one person some of your future students need in there life.

Penny_Varis 11/10/2017

I know quite a lot of my current anxiety and depression centers around both being accepted coming out by those immediately around me, but also worries for transitioning. HRT could have some really whacky side-effects given my bipolar. I'm also quite terrified if I transition and I don't pass, which in the area I'm in could be legitimately dangerous. And of course the monetary concerns of transitioning, my insurance would cover HRT, and counselling, but that's it.

I am looking for an LGBTQ friendly therapist, but they are a bit like unicorns where I am at, and to find one that is also covered by my insurance would be like finding a Leprechaun riding said unicorn lol

So right now I really want to move to a friendlier place, but to do that I'd need money, and a job. So I'd need to conquer my anxiety, which is in large part caused by gender dysophoria, but I can't transition until after I've done the previous thingy.... All in all this lovely little circle is making me a very depressed camper...

Gutted 11/11/2017

Don't worry about not being able to pass. You will, I promise.

Have you visited Susan's? If not please do so, they're great over there.

You sound intelligent and self-aware. That puts you way ahead of most.

Good luck. Please pop in every time you get the chance and just keep us posted on what's going on with you if you can. We care and want to see you happy and healthy!

Penny_Varis 11/12/2017

I haven't visited Susan's but I certainly will. Thank you for the suggestion.

WyndWytch 11/13/2017

why do you HAVE to go to a gender center? You have a therapist which can be anywhere long as the deal with what you need, you can also go and get meds from an endocrinologist so I am at a loss as to why you need a "gender clinic" if that was a requirement my nearest one is about 1500 miles away in Colorado. I go to a therapist who is in x location, then I go to a doctor in another place for my meds, my surgeon is in another place, you don't have to have a one stop.

Penny_Varis 11/13/2017

I never said I have to go to a gender center..? At the moment I'm just working on trying to find therapist who is both familiar and accepting of trans issues in my area. On that count I have managed to make some progress, found one who specializes in LGBTQ and is covered. She is almost 80 miles away however and the wait list is.. long to say the least...

WyndWytch 11/14/2017

have you done a google search on "gender therapists near X" there is usually a psychology today link that will be like one of the first and usually has a list of therapists. Also with that one that is distant you might ask if she knows someone closer who may be able to take you on. She may give you a pointer through her connections. When I asked about the gender clinic, it was because it was the only option you listed in your post, so I wondered what the need to go so far was with regards to that when other options closer may exist. Like you I live in a small town, unless there are like really tiny towns around you and absolutely nothing of any reasonable size (20K people or more) you should be able to find someone closer.

Penny_Varis 11/15/2017

I wasn't actually talking about a gender clinic there, because while that would be lovely the closest actual gender clinic is hundreds of miles away. Right now I'll settle for a therapist that isn't going to tell me I'm a freak and belong in hell.. As far as nearer therapists, I've looked, but I live in a town of 2,800 people, where the nearest wal-mart is 40 mins away... :(

Gutted 11/15/2017

Keep looking Penny. What did you think of Susan's? Are things getting any better for you?

Penny_Varis 11/16/2017

Their site was cool, but honestly a little overwhelming. And not really better.. my step dad's been a lot worse recently. Screaming at me about how no son of his is going to act like a woman and stuff like that. Which is a little ironic seeing as how before now I was too much of a fuck-up to rate as even family... He likes to introduce me as "an acquaintance of my mothers".. Lot about how it would have been better if I'd never been born, which is at least something we can agree on, on occasion. My anxiety is slightly better but depression took a nose dive in its place. Just kinda trying to find help and not do something irreparably stupid.

Gutted 11/16/2017

Never allow another person to make you feel less than, Kailey. The things you are being told are not true and constitute mental abuse. Each of us was put on Earth for a reason. We all have a part to play in the greater scheme of things. Did you ever stop to think that whatever you are going through right now might be the training ground necessary to enable you to help others find their way later on down the road?

I have the strongest gut feeling that you are meant to do something important. I can see in mind's eye a time when you are out of your situation, in the arms of a accepting lovemate and doing something that really matters with your life. You have to grab onto a positive vision of the future you and hold it close. Dig down deep and find your inner tiger. Let her lend you strength and guide you over, around and between the multitude of obstacles standing in your way.

If you don't find a way though this, you will not be standing on the metaphorical street corner when your special someone walks by. Fight now for the future we both know you deserve and for the people waiting to know and love you. You are one piece of a larger puzzle and you are needed to complete the picture. Being trans does make you less! Anyone who says differently is simply a bigot.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/11/08/election-moment-transgender-community/843385001/

My Favs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8&list=RDCevxZvSJLk8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcIy9NiNbmo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZpGe5rNJkI&list=PLrRCNBFfw0J1n-7_8DYZreUMxwmnmQVcS&index=19
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXUG9zTpI_w&list=PLrRCNBFfw0J3AsuZxrCe5we3e5TrKp9VJ&index=16
Go ahead and call me weird...lol.

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