Hello.  I'm new here.  I thought it would be helpful (more for me than anyone else) to introduce myself and give a little back story.

My name (or pseudonym, rather) is Keirsten.  For the time being, that is my preferred name. 

As I browse through these messages, I can't help but notice a central theme.  Everyone feels alone.  Therein lies the irony.  We're together in this place, but we're all alone.  We all feel helpless and hopeless.  We all think that our situtation is unique.  Well, here's mine.  I'm sure it will sound familiar.  

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like a female in a male's body.  I remember sneaking into my parent's room when I was a child and exploring the plethora of garments in my mother's drawers and closet.  I remember thinking that it wasn't fair that girls get to wear this stuff and boys don't.  I wasn't blessed with a sister that I could emulate or any close female friends.  I was raised in a farming community where men were "Manly Men" and were built like freightliners with beards.  I tried the best I could to fit in, but ultimately, I always felt like an outcast.  

When I went off to college, things changed a bit.  I was allowed to express myself in any way I wanted.  No one seemed to care if I painted my fingernails or wore feminine-style clothing to class.  But, once college ended and I had to get onto the job market, all of that changed yet again.  Suddenly I was back where I started.  No one would tolerate anything that deviated from the norm.  So, I succumbed to wearing trousers and not doing anything to draw attention to myself.  

While in college, I found a young woman with whom I shared many interests and who was aware of my "other side."  She did her best to encourage me and let me be myself, even if only in her presence.  We feel in love and got married after we graduated college.  We are still together to this day.  

I do occassionally get the opportunity to dress, but now it is mostly on Halloween.  I am happy with my station in life, but I do have regrets.  

When I was younger, I should have been honest enough with myself to admit to everyone that I wasn't a man.  I was (and am) a woman.  I have always felt that way.  I get by daily and I have moments of bliss.  But, with each one, I can't help but wonder how it would have felt if I was who I feel I should be.  And what else am I missing my not being my true self?  

As it stands, I am in my 40's.  I know that there are those that will say otherwise, but for me it's too late.  I am locked in to who I am now and forever.  That is my ultimate regret.  I will never know how much happiness I missed out on because I was too scared to be honest with myself.