Transgender Support Group

This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.

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Coming Out

Cbayne914
Cbayne914
Hi again everyone! So I had had these plans of coming out to my mom for about a month now. It first started with writing in one of her old journals. I wrote a 5 1/2 page coming out letter to her, and then once she didn't see it, I repeatedly tried getting her to read it. Only problem was, I could not find the journal after I had placed it back in her closet and in her viewpoint. But I left notes for her to read it. Eventually I moved on to new tactics. Last Tuesday she had a day off work and I was in class. I was hoping that while I was in class she would come into my room and grab my phone charger since we have the same phone. I left my dresser drawers open that have my clothes and makeup in them open. But unfortunately she did not see. It was later that day she came in for the charger. That night I did the same thing, hoping that while I was gone she would bring the charger back. But that failed too. So this last Tuesday I had to make the final plan.

I just had surgery last Friday on my knee to remove two screws that were put in back in 2005 when I broke my leg in 8th grade gym class. Honestly, my knee is fine, but it gets really sore. It wasn't long before I was limping around. But I can't drive so going to my morning class isn't an option. But my night class is closer to my home. (My college has multiple campuses). So I decided it was a perfect time to install my plan. I went to class Tuesday night (which was a horrible mistake as I was quite uncomfortable and in a slight amount of pain the full 2 1/2 hours) and around a quarter til 7, I sent a text to my mom saying I needed her to go into my room and record a show (Though the show I wanted to record wasn't even on because of the Olympics). So that when she went into my room she would see my dresser drawers open and I left a note saying that we needed to talk.

When she came to pick me up from school, just as we exited the parking lot, she said "okay, what's up with the drawers?" I sighed and said that she really needed to read her journal. She tells me she threw it out. That peeved me off a bit cause not only did I write so much in there, it was pretty much a barely used journal. Who throws out a barely used journal??? Anyways, she then asks if I was gay. I said well, no and that I was bisexual. And for a moment I thought, I don't think gay men really go dressing around as women. There's a difference between being Gay and Transgender. But I don't really think she put two-and-two together. After I said I was bisexual she said she was fine with it and then we got onto the subject of how I don't believe in God. But that was the end of that topic about my drawers.

So, now I really don't know what to think. Yeah she knows I'm bisexual now, but part of me thinks that she thinks it's just a phase. I don't believe she knows I want to change genders. I thought for a moment about asking "So you wouldn't care if I started taking hormones?" But the words never left my mouth. But now that she has at least seen some of the contents of my drawers ( I don't believe she actually saw the clothes in my drawer as the room was fairly dark) and I know she didn't see the clothes in my closet, at least I can go around wearing it more often and putting on my makeup more frequently. My hope is that by doing this she will start to put the puzzle together. I'm fine with not taking hormones for a few months. My original plan was to not start them until May anyways. I just have to be careful my stepdad or sister are not around when I dress or am made up. But that's not too difficult anyways.

What do you all think?
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
could be she is in denial, she could have read the journal and threw it out not wishing to see, likewise going in and seeing drawers open, she just ignored what she saw. I suppose it is possible, but with the chain of events it just sounds like she is avoiding. You may just have to come straight out and tell her face to face to get her to be willing to see what should be obvious with all those methods of telling her. Its really hard to say, but if you are comfortable wearing the clothing then I say go for it. If nothing else maybe she will ask questions about the clothing and give you an opening.
Cbayne914
Cbayne914
That's a possibility. I really don't think she read the journal though, she said she saw it and just threw it out because she didn't need it. Still irks me that she would throw away a barely used journal though. But yeah, with her having accepted at least a bit of it, I'm gonna start wearing my stuff more. Not covering my painted toes, wearing more of my pink clothing, and wearing more of my makeup from time to time. I figure maybe she'll just get the hint or something. Or she'll just keep thinking I'm gay, which doesn't bother me, but gay men don't need hormones. That's really all that stands in my way with her.
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
well if she accepts the idea of you being gay, then I would find it hard to believe she would be horribly adverse to you being transgendered. I suppose if she REALLY wanted a son maybe, but even then it would still be a hard push for her to accept one side and not the other. I don't know, the fact that you can all but invite her to snoop through your life and she didn't says a lot about your mom really. I can't think of to many parents that would do the same as yours did :P Ultimately you are clear to start hormones without her consent since you are over 18, so I guess you could also just leave it as is and start... I am sure she will notice some new developments :P
Cbayne914
Cbayne914
I've been very independent from a very earlier point in my life. So much so my mom hasn't really found the need to come between me and my independence. Which up until recently I hadn't really noticed. When the Boston Bombings happened last year I had sort of provoked her by saying "As a parent, you never really know what's going on with your child". There comes a certain time in a child's life parents just butt out and let a child go their own way. Sometimes it's great, sometimes not so much.

Anyways, one thing you are right about is me being over 18, however where you're wrong is I do need her consent. Because I'm on her insurance. If I was on my own I'd be fine and I would've started hormones months ago. But since I'm on hers, I need her to know so that when the insurance claim comes in it isn't denied ya know?
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
typically speaking an insurance claim won't come to her. It is filed with the insurance company that a visit was done for X item by a code, from there the insurance company pays their share of the bill, at that point generally your mom would be sent a bill for the remainder. In the case of Hormones if you are going the pill route, all there will be is a payment for the prescription, not a whole lot more aside from medical visits to the doctors which will be handled as I listed above. I guess if she is paying the part that comes back from the visit, I could see making sure she knows, but if you were going to cover it, not so sure. Either way that is up to you though. When it comes to medical billing though, unless you tell her she won't know what the visit was about or anything, just that something happened and here's the cost.
Cbayne914
Cbayne914
Hmm I didn't know that. But with my therapy I pay for each session out of pocket and the rest goes to my insurance. But my insurance hasn't been paying my therapist. We figure it has something to do with the claim not being processed. Is that different from the pills? I'd assume maybe a bill would come back saying something about therapy or something like that. I have a growing fear that eventually my therapist will want that money and I'll end up having to pay about $600. But she's really nice, and I figure if it came to that we'd work something out together. But thanks for the info, I don't know much about how insurance companies work. How much do you pay for hormones?
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
Prescription insurance, and health insurance is different yes. Most companies will do both, but they are distinctly different. As a general rule most insurance companies list that they will not cover anything related to transgender care (you would have to read the exclusion area of your insurance to see), in which case if your therapist listed that as the primary code, they would reject the claim. If they reject the claim your therapist should receive something from them noting the rejection and refusal to pay. If she has seen nothing like that for the claims then they are either lost in the mail, or are still in paperwork hell at the insurance company. You also might check state law. Some states like the one I live in have dictated to the insurance companies that in order for them to be licensed to do business in this state, they must cover any treatment given to another regardless of reason. So in my case directly, my insurance completely denies transgendered care, however they have to pay for my therapy and my hormones because in the case of someone who is say homosexual, they would pay for a therapist for gender matters, likewise they would prescribe estrogen to a post menopausal woman, so they have to cover it for me to, even though mine is directly related to being transgendered. So look into if your state has something like that. Lots of times prescriptions have an easier time getting through though. that said... remember you can deduct all medical on taxes, so that is always a nice thing :D
Cbayne914
Cbayne914
Well I'm in one of the worst political states in the country lol. But I don't think my therapist is listing anything about transgender care. I want to say she said just general care or something, we've talked about it once before but that was back in November I believe. Can't really remember too much about it. There was a point when I first started going that she said she talked with them and they said my deductible was too high and that's why they wouldn't cover what she wante so she wanted me to pay a bit more money. But later said it was okay for me to stay at the amount I've been paying. But then a few months later after her pregnancy she was saying they still weren't paying. So I think it has something to one of my parents rejecting the claim. I'm really not sure.

I'm trying to get a blood test worked in somewhere here. I should probably see an Endo before that though. There's a couple around my town. But finances in my family are a bit strapped so have to wait a while, but I'm okay with that since I originally planned on starting hormones after college anyways.
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
thats the part i don't get, the parents rejecting it. Your parents wouldn't know that a bill was even sent to your insurance. Infact if they did, someone would be violating HIPPA regulations to high hell. The only thing that they would know is what they get billed for after the fact. Insurance itself would be rejecting it based on a code or something. Your mom might need to call them and inquire if you can get some more info from your therapist. Again she should get a rejection notice from the insurance, if she is, you can use that to follow up on why with the insurance company.
Cbayne914
Cbayne914
Hmm well then I don't know why she is isn't getting paid from them. I might have to sit down and talk with my therapist about it sometime and see if we can figure the problem out together. I'd hate for this to take a sour turn.