Dear survivors. 

It has been so long since I posted something new. I ws on my internship at KLM. Had a blast but now it's time to get serious. 

I've decided that I want to report my rapist. It has been a little bit less than 2,5 years. I feel like I'm ready to do this part of my healing journey. I have an informative appointment tomorrow. 1p.m. Dutch time. I am torn between two things. 

If I sue him and he gets convicted, he might go to jail for up to twelve years. I know he deserves to pay for what he did to me, but I am aware of the fact that I will ruin his life. His families life and I don't know if I can do that. It just feels as if I would be the reason someone's life "ended". I want him to know that what he did to me, will be with me for the rest of my life, I want him to pay for what he did but what if I just help in creating an even bigger monster? If it was someone else, like my best friend, I would want her to do it but for me, it's just so hard beause I think about the wellbeing of everyone. Not the person that has raped me, he is a monster, but his family. On the other hand, I will always have to live with the emotional trauma that it has causes me. For that, no sentence will ever be able to make up. 

And what if I do this and I can't "prove" that it happened? What if people start thinking I'm a liar? What if he rages out and hurts me or my family? Those questions keep me up at night. 

One thing I know for sure, TimesUp, the will have to face what he did to me, one way or another. What would you guys do. I need your help and advice. 

ps: my decision doens't make yours less or something. You decide the steps that lead in your healing process. 

Kind regards, 

Lilac