Hi everyone,
My name is Bella and Im 27 years old. I was molested for the first time when i was in kindergarten, and after that molestation and rape was introduced multiple times throughout my life. The first time I was actually raped was in the beginning of my 9th grade year. It was by someone who was a very close friend of our family. He drugged me and I woke up to him in the middle of the act. Throughout the years I have seen therapists, went to groups, talked to a few women that are surviving through it and at 18 I even checked myself into a hospital because of the damage that and some other things had caused. Eventually I began a spiritual path and I thought I had overcome all the hardships. But Ive been with my now wife for 8 years and this has DRAMATICALLY impacted my sex life and my every day life. The flash backs, the triggers, the pain, the nightmares. Its all becoming too much. I know i need to go deep and heal this part of myself, but its the hardest things Ive ever had to face.
How do you face this after a decade? How come its becoming too much to handle like it just happened? How do I move forward?
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I truly appreciate the fact that you have faith in this group. I am no therapist but I do have some advice for you.
To help you understand, I want to tell you something first. After trauma, your body reacts by either shutting down, or by letting you experience fear. Fear is the body's way of ringing some sort of alarm. Even though we are could be in a safe place now, something can always trigger the mind into survival mode. What you need to do now is embrace whatever it is that's happening to you. In order for your mind to feel assured of the save place you're in right now, you need to let your mind know that you are taking back control, just like you did when you sought help !
I know this might sound easier said than done, but it is the only way that you're going to face this setback. Embrace what you're feeling, acknowledge what is happening to your mind, your body. Take back control. For starters, tell yourself this:
I am not alone because I feel alone, I am not alone because I feel alone. I am not alone because I feel alone with company. My body isn't a cage anymore. My body isn't a cage, it's a temple. A temple that can only be entered by whom I decide to let in. These thoughts are mine. I embrace all that is happening to me right now, for it is a temporary situation. A temporary state of mind. A temporary feeling of drowning. Even though it might be scary, I am going to face the nightmares like come at me! I'm not scared anymore. My nightmares should be afraid of me, for I have all the power and I refuse to let these demons of my past, enter a door that I have not opened.
This really helps me a lot, just saying it over and over again. Repeating it, memorizing it. Take back control. Your healing process is continuing to unfold.
Other things that might help:
- As soon as you wake up from a nightmare, get out of bed. Sit down on a cold ground. Take pen and paper and write down all that you can remember from your nightmare. Write down every single nightmare. Write happy endings to all of them. It really hepls!! I do it too. Your mind will eventually take over the happy endings.
- Press pause sometimes. Take a look around you. What is happening? What is triggering you? What can you do to feel better? Can you describe what you are feeling? What if you had to make a bmorales manual guide. How would you describe all of your experiences? If you would want to calm down someone with similar issues, how would you do it and why?
- Go for a walk or even better, run. Run as fast as you can until you can no longer breathe, run some more. You'll feel dizzy (I know!) but it works. When your mind is telling you ''you can't run any further'', Ask yourself: ''who says so? I decide. You decide! Decide!
- Read the poetry of Rupi Kaur. Her first book is called ''Milk and Honey. It will perfectly describe all the stages you're going through. It also explains what it is to love after being traumatized. I personally see this book as a small bible for survivors. I'm sure it'll help you too.
I really hope that this is something that will help you, it helps me every time I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I can heal, you can heal. We can heal together.
Veni, Vidi, Vici.
Kind regards,
Lilac
You are so kind! Thank you so so much for all the positive and encouraging words. I swear the best thing Ive ever done in a healing process was joining this site. You women and people are incredible. I will definitely be trying that mantra and the tips for my nightmares. I also will be purchasing that book. This is such an amazing feeling to know people understand where your coming from and can genuinely help you get through this! Thank you so much!
Lilac