12 years ago I was a victim of what is now my first rape. I never talked about either to anyone--except my sister. After a few years after it happened, I went on a spiritual retreat and told my class that it happened. That was the first time I ever accepted that it actually happened to me. Since then I have had a major problem with talking about it, hearing the word, even the anniversary of that day and that month I change. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write here, and I don't really know what I want to say. But I want to say something. I am completely stuck and it's hurting. I want to get over it, I want to move past it, but it is the most difficult thing. The second time I was raped I just laid there and began to think this is just my purpose--to be hurt and looked at a certain way, the second time affected me less, but it still hinders me from being who I want to be. I need help or advice from someone to help me move past this to help me heal properly-- I know everyone is different, but anything will help I'm killing myself holding this huge toxic thing on my shoulders.