The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
Just tossing labels around is not helpful. She is narcissistic. He is selfish. They tell lies. None of that is helpful. All of these situations are highly individualistic. In other words, generalizations and non-specifics just don't apply in many cases. In some cases, it is entirely appropriate to distance one's self from parents who are unable to treat their adult child as an adult. You have to get beyond the label of "abusive," and consider if the parent is consistently disrespectful of the adult child. This can take the form of constant criticism, negative comments, disclosing confidences, emotional extortion, manipulation, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. And actual threats to physical safety are always unacceptable.
On the other hand, some adult children are just grown-up spoiled brats who haven't learned to work hard and accept responsibility for themselves. A parent's frustration with these shortcomings in their adult children can cause the parents to become overly critical or meddlesome in their children's lives. Adult children should never distance themselves from their parents for minor or non-recurrent "transgressions." It is an extremely serious matter to estrange one's self from parents, and should only be done in extreme cases. I recently estranged myself from my 80 year old mother and everyone in the family is upset at me for "being mean" to my 80 year old mother. The specific thing that I felt justified this action is that she has treated me as the "stepchild" all my life. I was always not invited or disinvited to family events and family members later shared constant negative comments she says about me. This past summer she invited everyone in the family, kids, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts, friends, neighbors, etc., except for me and my children. That was the last straw for me. Until you know the specifics, you can't really assess whether the estrangement is a reasonable action or not.
On the other hand, some adult children are just grown-up spoiled brats who haven't learned to work hard and accept responsibility for themselves. A parent's frustration with these shortcomings in their adult children can cause the parents to become overly critical or meddlesome in their children's lives. Adult children should never distance themselves from their parents for minor or non-recurrent "transgressions." It is an extremely serious matter to estrange one's self from parents, and should only be done in extreme cases. I recently estranged myself from my 80 year old mother and everyone in the family is upset at me for "being mean" to my 80 year old mother. The specific thing that I felt justified this action is that she has treated me as the "stepchild" all my life. I was always not invited or disinvited to family events and family members later shared constant negative comments she says about me. This past summer she invited everyone in the family, kids, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts, friends, neighbors, etc., except for me and my children. That was the last straw for me. Until you know the specifics, you can't really assess whether the estrangement is a reasonable action or not.
There is another kind of estrangement. The Unexplained. The Undeserved.
There are many of us here that have had to accept this reality. We will never know the reason WHY. We were normal or better parents who's kids had normal and healthy lives full of normal and healthy activities and are now leading normal and productive lives......except they* want nothing to do with us.
In our personal case, the THEY is our DIL's x2. THEY manipulated our sons while they were overseas at war.....blocking our contact and poisoning the family ties with lies and pure evil intent. WHY???? We don't know other than Evil Exist and loves to ruin. And our Delusional Sons..... they came home to chaos.... forced to choose between us or their precious children. Of Course WE lose.....we all lose.
Lesson Learned???
First Lesson. Don't wait and see....Nip it in the bud. At the first sign of trouble.....NIP IT IN THE BUD! STAND UP AND POINT THE FINGER OF TRUTH LOUDLY. You will probably lose anyway, but you won't have to live with the regret of EVIL WON because you did nothing.
Second Lesson. Be true to yourself and your standards, your moral code is your compass. Guard and Follow it closely. Know the difference between Pride and Integrity....one takes you down while the other will lift you up. Vengence, Drama and Delusion are the Poisoned Koolaide, the grand and final acts of destruction. Truth is clarity and freedom that leads us to higher purposes.
Third Lesson. Life goes on and so must we. Accept the loss, Acknowledge the constant ache and grow to understand it and live with it. Put away FALSE HOPE. Nothing we can do today will change yesterday.....understand this and walk away from the frustration. Cling to Reality and steer toward the future.....its the only direction we can go.
We have so much collective wisdom here and each of us does so much for others and other do so much for each of us.
Wish the journey (to date) had turned out different...but it did not.
Forward is the only logical choice...
AllK
The problem for me with this post is that in most cases I read about here and my own, the estranger's excuse for the estrangement is either total fabrication or based on some minor infringement by the estrangee which has been blown out of proportion in order to fit the criteria which others would see as a valid reason for estrangement.
To me they are like the Emperor in 'the Emperors new clothes' strutting around showing off their imagined grievances and all the bystanders are saying how fine their excuses are except for the estrangee and people who can see it for what it is and they are saying the eqivalent of 'but he has no clothes'. In this instance 'but he/she has no reason'.
Estrangement in my eyes is a cruel, controlling tactic which is justified in very few cases.
Removing ourselves from bad relationships and situations is normal, and healthy......when done quietly, with dignity and kindness in mind. You are sending your 80 yr old Pain in the Arse Mom tokens of affection and respect. Come on, all of us need to admit it, we all know that someone we owe so much to is going to be a pain in our arses! And it will get more onus and acute as they age. This has nothing to do with how much we love them.....it's all about being honest.....payback's are a bitch!
Epic.....Will you be there when she has needs that you can satisfy? Will you do it with kindness even when exasperated? I think you will. I think you won't even hesitate. Anyone who identifies themselves as being on the Epic Journey will know that life is just chocked full of Ying/Yang situations.....and must be dealt with accordingly.
I respect your position with your Mom. I respect your opinions because I think when push comes to shove you have and will continue to take the high road in your journey. Distance yourself from harm....loving from a distance is a responsible and acceptable solution!
Take a bow epic........despite the hurt you feel, you have taken the 'higher road'.
AllK
the actual definition of estrangement however is quite broad:
es·trange
[ih-streynj] Show IPA
verb (used with object), es·tranged, es·trang·ing.
1.
to turn away in feeling or affection; make unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections of: Their quarrel estranged the two friends.
2.
to remove to or keep at a distance: The necessity for traveling on business has estranged him from his family.
There is no question that the earth has shifted under my family's feet. I don't even have to tell them why. They know all too well, the reasons why.
.I wish you the best of your intentions, and the peace and validation you deserve.
Hugs Friend