The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
Next Christmas, I will do what I want to do.... not get pulled into Family of Origin Issues, and feel hurt by my two ES's ignoring us and not replying to our emails. I stopped in yesterday on the way to my parents' Christmas Dinner to see my Aunt and Uncle who were all alone on Christmas Day, as their kids ignore them. Then my brother blasted me because why do I bother with that so and so, etc. etc. and he was mean to our Dad, (his brother). Really - I am so tired of being the flipping scapegoat in the family - only in my FOO would I be considered to be showing off and doing the wrong thing by visiting my 81 year old uncle who won't even be around in all likelihood next Christmas and my aunt, who has short term memory loss and is his caregiver. Next year I will be selfish and do what I want to do, which is be as far away from the "festivities" as possible. It was a crappy day already as our kids have cut us out of their lives with no explanation. This family is getting sicker and sicker - I have to detach and work on my self and be happy and move forward.
Do what you want to do, detach, move on. All of these are excellent goals and you have 12 months to work on them.
I wish that I could pop around and give you a big hug. You deserve one.
Those of us who used to be "people pleasers" have a hard time.... doing what WE want. In the beginning it feels kinda selfish... but give it your best effort! Trust me... it feels GOOD when you do it!!
You've got a great plan for 2015! Here's wishing you ALL the best in your endeavors!
P.S. Don't wait till next Christmas.... start doing what you want... NOW!! Hehehe!
You've got the true meaning of Christmas in your heart. Your FOO? Not so much...
I remember the conversation I had with my sister where I more or less said it was over. Our whole lives (I'm 5 years younger), I had tried to be friends with her, and she'd seen me as the troublesome little sister (who knows, I probably was). Whatever the reason, the dynamic never changed, I called her 20-30 times for each call she returned. And she'd get snippy when I didn't do the things she wanted.
Thing is .....all that happened, was I stopped calling. Which effectively ended the relationship. Haven't talked in about 10 years now, and I still don't miss it. What was there ever to miss?
I wish my sister well. Heck, I wish everyone well. I hope that her only dysfunctional relationship was with me....and for all I know.....it was. Who knows? I do know that it felt like stalking behavior to me to call her and call her. It doesn't really matter.....all that matters was that the relationship between the two of us was never a good one. And it's best or both of us, to go on and be happy in our own lives.
The two middle children, the "golden children" my sister and brother live out close to my parents and are closer to them. My younger sister and I can accept that. But last year, they had "another Christmas" which we weren't invited to, and now tomorrow this year, they are having another Christmas and we aren't invited. No one ever wants to come to family gatherings to my sisters or my place, because it's too far. But apparently it's OK for us to drive out and get a strip ripped off of us for trying to be human.
Next year I am not going. I will visit my parents before or after Christmas and then they can have the "other Christmas" on Christmas Day and my sister and I and our spouses/families can get together and celebrate. It was a crappy Christmas for my husband and I due to our estrangement from our kids. The last 8 months has been very hard. The last thing we needed was the most dysfunctional Christmas Day ever celebrated with my FOO. But time to put my foot down and live my life like I want to live it.
No need to explain. (Those that would understand, already understand; and those that don't understand.....never will because it's not what they want.) Explaining only puts you on the defensive. Let them explain, why they couldn't make it out to you....
("I really did want to get together, so sorry you couldn't make it out to see us."; Then they say something about the distance, and you agree that the distance is really difficulty "boy I know that". If there has to be a "bad guy", then let the bad guy be "the distance" or "the weather", "lack of time", or something like that.)
The good and the bad of existence in this realm is that we get to make our own choices. We get to steer our own ship, if we're brave enough to take the wheel!
{{hugz}}
This was my third Xmas since estrangement - and I am so grateful for my acceptance finally of the whole situation: it was a lovely, warm Christmas with my brother and family, spoiling people who value me in their life, and giving of myself to family who appreciate my love. There was the underlying sadness that my children were not part of this special time in our family - but it no longer is debilitating or detracts from my joy.
I believe you will move forward - it is a process and we all progress (and regress) in our own time.
Be kind to yourself!
"This was my third Xmas since estrangement - and I am so grateful for my acceptance finally of the whole situation: it was a lovely, warm Christmas with my brother and family, spoiling people who value me in their life, and giving of myself to family who appreciate my love. There was the underlying sadness that my children were not part of this special time in our family - but it no longer is debilitating or detracts from my joy."
I'm happy to hear that you have managed to arrive at enjoying your life and the holidays again.
Great post everyone.....hugs all around!