I used to think I was not racist. At Smith College I learned that there is no such thing and I had to accept that I too have prejudges and feeling that I may not be so proud about. I need to keep being aware of it and talking about it.

It was always very clear to me, in my fantasies of having a child that she will be a minority. I also feel this is a real thing I can do to try to end racism, to have a mixed family. It is a small step but a real one. More minority (and I mean way more) people talk to me when I am with my daughter.

I sometimes project that black people might hate me for all the crimes that were committed against them by white people, even if i took no part in it. Sometimes, and this is a private thought I never shared before, I think I am really "tricking" my baby to love me, despite the fact i am white, because I had her since age three weeks and she "doesn't know better". By the time she realizes what is going on it will be too late - we love each other too deeply now.

I went to a workshop about raising a child of a different race than your own and they said that you should put yourself in the situation of being the only white person in the room as often as you put your child in the situation of being the only minority. Oh dear, i was thinking. Now I am in trouble. She goes to pre-school and thought some of the staff is minority, none of the other kids in her class are minority looking.

Keeping in touch with her bio family (despite protests from friends and the fact that our parenting styles are extremely different) helps a little bit with that but I still have a way to go.