ok so im getting really frustrated with myself. i dont know what to do or how to deal with everything thats happend to me. i feel like i should be better than this. i hate playing the victum. but i dont know how to discared the role. i dont know if i just send out this vibe that says 'hey take advantage of me' but im just getting so tired.

soo..
my first seriouse boyfriend that i had sexually abused me. he would sometimes try and embarasse me in front of his friends. and he did things to me that i know now just werent ok, though i didnt see it at the time. he was also an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. ha he was a big fan or the post-sex cigarette. his name was luke and his birthday is today. i hate that i remember that.
anyways, finaly after six months of being with him i got the courage to leave the situation.

this was back in august of last year that i left.

since then iv had one other boyfriend, his name was casey. and he was really nice but i couldnt let him touch me. we kissed a little, but even that left me shakeing. the worst part is that i would get horny i guess and i would want to, but then i get so scared and i just freeze up.anyways, it was a shallow relationship, i never let him really know me. and when i finaly did tell him a little bit about me he broke up with me. he just couldnt handle the real me

two weeks after we broke up my best best best friend luis tells me he loves me. that he would do anything for me. and i trusted him with everything i had. i loved him alot. and i was hurting so bad i just wanted to run him. the long and short of it is that he took advantage of my disadvantage and helped himself to a kiss. and i told him to stop, that i wasnt ready for something like this. but he didnt stop until i physicaly pushed him away. we arnt best friends anymore.

less than a month later, its january of this year now. caseys best friend starts to talk to me. and i feel instantly comfterble with him. he just senses that theres something diffrent about me. and i felt like i could say anything to him and he would just get it. but he was my ex's best friend. so no one really new that we were as close as we were. but that didnt matter because i didnt expect anything from him anyways. he was the first person i told about what luke did to me. and i was just done being scared, and i wanted to know if maybe sex could be diffrent. that was when he invited himself over to my house. and he spent the night. and yes, it was diffrent. at least it didnt hurt. he never talked to me again, he stoped calling and that was that.

so now theres this new guy, his name is halston. and hes taken a notice of me. i know he wants to ask me out. and i like him, he seems really nice and laidback. he asked me to kiss him last week, and i wanted to soo badly, but i said it wouldnt be a good idea. he asked me to give him one good reason why. i could think of four good reasons why i shouldnt start something, but i couldnt tell him about any of them. he was standing so close and i could smell him, but about ten thousand bad memorys where racing in front of my eyes all at the same time and i was frozen.

i want so badly to stop being scared.
but i just dont know how to let go of everything thats happend in the last year. i dont know if thats even possible. im not sure why im posting this now, i think i just needed to write the whole story out. i just want it to make sense somehow. anyways thanks to however took the time to read this far