SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
Im just realizing and coming to terms with the fact that the love of my life, the man that swept into my world two years ago with every profession of love and comittment I didnt even KNOW I wanted, showered me with affection and sex and travel and gifts, asked me to move 4000 miles to be with him--giving up everything that mattered to ME to be with him...he is a sociopath. Im gutted and embarrassed and want to talk, but dont want to believe its real. I got played and Im trying to stay away from him--but I am missing that first man I knew, I guess the mask I knew and I want to fix it and have our (my) dream back. How the fuck can I be missing him while I am at the same time writing to strangers because I am so in pain???
Think hard - what was it and did he get it ?
I am going through something very similar now. (Just to let it be known, he hasn't officially been diagnosed as a sociopath/antisocial personality disorder, but it's really the only thing that seems to make all the pieces come together). The difference between my relationship and yours is that we had issues since the beginning. He frequently contradicted himself from the beginning, and we started fighting weekly right away. (It's been a little over a year since we met.) He lied about big things and minor things, which I now think may have been a manipulation technique he was using.
I was working abroad and he was the first person I met, so that probably lead to him seeing me as an ideal target. I don't even live in the same country as him currently, and I still can't seem to let it go! It's like everything finally makes sense, but I don't want to accept it. Initially, I thought that some of our communication issues may have been due to language and cultural barriers, although I did think that he was a compulsive liar. I just didn't realize the intent behind the lies could be so horrifying.
We finally stopped fighting - at least stopped getting into huge fights that would leave me desperate - about a month before I decided to move back to the US. We had the same issues, but I think we both let things go more easily. Things were going very well my first month after getting back to the US, too. It all went downhill when I asked to see a copy of his divorce certificate. He eventually ended up admitting that he was still officially married to a second wife I never even knew about! (They had stopped talking around the time I met, and I know he had had another girlfriend for a year, so I truly do believe their relationship was over. They just never legally took care of it.) After I sent him an article on how to regain trust, he said he agreed with one of the points - to share passwords to social media. I told him I didn't agree with that one, but, when he told me his password, I couldn't resist. I ended up finding conversations he had had with the woman he was in the process of divorcing that happened months after we met, He had told me that hadn't been in contact for years.
One day, I accidentally accessed an old account of his, where I found a conversation between the two of them that happened right before he and I met. She had typed out a long, heart-felt message. He responded the next day with "Hi, how are you?" I think that was when it hit me - he truly has no remorse! He denied cheating on her for about a month, until he finally told me a couple days ago. Help! I can't let the idea of the person I thought he was go!
I think they prey on people who seem empathetic and caring. We are typically easier to take advantage of because we may feel bad for them and empathize too much for our own good. There could be a number of reasons. Was he in a position of power over you? What could you offer him?
I have studied the sociopath/covert narcissist/passive-aggressive disorders in the days that followed. What has helped, and IS helping me, is to build my support group of people who love me and have seen all the red flags and seen me go through the emotional rollercoaster. This is mind control/brainwashing at its finest, much like you see on TV or when you fall in love with a long-standing television character. It's all an act and being a high empath we get roped in. The ability to see the person as a cold, non-entity who has no ability to feel, love or empathize allows you to reconcile with the fact that you were in love with a portrayal, not a person.
Join a support group, stay active, go out with friends, meet new people, resume activities you always loved before you met the devil, and know that you are a valuable BEYOND MEASURE. Do not let his hold or the experience change you because you did NOTHING wrong but love.
Difficult though it might be, the ONLY way to go is to establish for yourself the NO CONTACT rule, block them COMPLETELY from accessing you (this includes anything attached to them such as their friends, family, etc), learn all you can about the disorder and then - poof! - you'll begin to heal and see that the mask they wore hid a very frail human being that not only NEVER existed; you never could have helped anyway.
Most of all, pray pray pray.