As for me my family told me my ex was wacked and fuc$$$ up from day one ! But at the time I didnt listen...
Down the road I relized somethig was way off with him expessially his anger ! And bellas right
My ex discarded me whe his needs werent being met no longer so he moved on to another immediatly
Thats blind of him for now that will take care of his houseing money so on so fourth needs that he has

candy its better he uses someone else ( not that i wish that on her but she has to learn her own lessons or not )than for him to be hurting you anymore . you have been through enough pain in this life to last you forever. now you concentrate on how to find that one thing we all are so desperately seeking and that is inner peace. to not suffer daily with pain and betrayal. ive gotten a few glimpses of that feeling and it is something ill keep fighting for till i die.

Pendra, yes they will take it ALL. I didn't realize how much potential I was shown to have until well after the fact, but the realization helps me now. Right now, I have just gone through a divorce he filed 46 months ago. It was 17 months ago that the orders were given and he has ignored them all.

It didn't help that I had an attorney OR that I found evidence, shortly after our divorce hearing,

that in a previous case, where he was seeking to have me "supervised and restricted" with our children, the date for that hearing came and he didn't show up. I found an old bank statement from that year (the only one from that far back!) and just from curiosity, noticing the out of state address on an ATM withdrawal, googled it. I then got my other papers and records together and learned:

this person, who was "so concerned" about my "abusing" our children that he filed motions to restrict and supervise me, whose attorney even threatened to get felony charges against me started (for trying to earlier get a protective order for parent pick up, etc) was actually in an out of state casino the day he was supposed to be in Court. Can you say, "fraud on the Court"? It's (supposedly) pretty serious.

In fact, when he didn't show for the hearing, I received default judgment and SHOULD HAVE BEEN able to pick up our daughters RIGHT AWAY, as I would have "first right of care" when he cannot provide it. BUT, nobody knew he was out of state. His mother was watching them. He was teaching them to lie, telling me "Daddy's asleep" anytime I called. He'd call back and I was none the wiser.

So, his mother was also telling our daughters (who were then 10 and 11) that I was going to kill them, and I had told HER THAT. I found a recording of my daughter and I having a phone conversation and she told me this straight out. When I asked her if she believed it, she simply said, "yes". She was induced to write a letter to the Court, saying she didn't want to visit me, was scared of me and if she had to, could it please be "supervised visitation"? I then had to go through another whole round of this ... even though I lost neither time, it was QUITE expensive and he was never ordered to pay costs. It was also a good nearly two months before I was allowed my parenting time.

I had even thought, when we divorced the first time, that he loved our children. I wrote the letter to the judge stating I was leaving but thought having our children in familiar environment, school and all else, was likely the best for then. I thought I might be crazy but mainly, HE wanted divorce and I didn't want to go through the hell that led to one and only breakdown in my life - caused by CRUELTY, as I now know. That's torture and that is why they study people who don't break under it ... the normal is for even healthy people to have a hard time with it. If you read about Philip Zimbardo's prison experiment (or go to his site, he is advocate against many conditions in prisons, military, etc) you can learn about the "why's" and the fact that even normal and healthy people can fairly quickly be induced to practice indifference to cruelty, even become involved themselves. In the experiment (which was completely voluntary, any participant could stop whenever they wanted)


That is also a reason people don't want to hear/know about it ... for one thing, it's highly unlikely that they can "do anything" about it, and for another, it can cause extreme dissonance. It challenges other people's concept of reality; if it can (and did) happen to you, it can happen to them. That's not the thinking many people can really get into. So they try to push it away, think that you are "mental", think you are exaggerating or even lying (this happened to me when I made a state mandated abuse report).

Here's what happened in the experiment, which weeded out ANY participants with substance use/abuse or diagnosable mental health issues before hand:



Less than 36 hours into the experiment, Prisoner #8612 began suffering from acute emotional disturbance, disorganized thinking, uncontrollable crying, and rage. In spite of all of this, we had already come to think so much like prison authorities that we thought he was trying to "con" us -- to fool us into releasing him.

When our primary prison consultant interviewed Prisoner #8612, the consultant chided him for being so weak, and told him what kind of abuse he could expect from the guards and the prisoners if he were in San Quentin Prison. #8612 was then given the offer of becoming an informant in exchange for no further guard harassment. He was told to think it over.

During the next count, Prisoner #8612 told other prisoners, "You can't leave. You can't quit." That sent a chilling message and heightened their sense of really being imprisoned. #8612 then began to act "crazy," to scream, to curse, to go into a rage that seemed out of control. It took quite a while before we became convinced that he was really suffering and that we had to release him.
***

That was a normal, healthy, young adult male put under somewhat controlled abuse for ONLY 3 days. How many people want to admit that it could happen to them, that it happens at all? you can go to http://www.prisonexp.org/ to learn more.

And as someone said, you are as dirty as they found you: NOT. One thing I learned from recovering and having to come back and then go through it again: I am a LOT stronger (healthier, etc) than I was. Therapy, homework that I set for myself, research, new friends and support: WORKS. It takes some time, but I have hope for the future and believe in myself and this time KNOW "it's not me". Too bad there aren't more people who put "money where their mouths are" and that (for me) really goes to "professionals", who COULD make some change happen.

i saw that experiment i dont remember where or how. or it was one exactly like it cause it sounds just like something i watched but i just dont remember when or where. maybe 2 and a half years ago after i was discarded i red and watched every you tube video available on the topic of s,p,n's or abuse that i could find. maybe it was then...im really sorry to hear about what you have been through. i get so angry at how these awful evil people always come out looking good and we look like the stupid victim. i have a 23 year old daughter from a sociopath, my only child, he sold her to me in the divorce for 11,000 dollars. i bought my own child's safety and i know that it was a small amount to pay for her future without him messing with her mind. i am so lucky, or blessed or just so great full i didnt have to deal with a sociopath getting rights to destroy my only baby girl. i feel so bad for all of you that have to go through that hell. i got so so lucky. he was an active meth addict after our divorce and is now a homeless heroin addict. he probably would have killed her in a car driving under the influence
he has 12 dui's for not alcohol but for driving being high on heroin and falling asleep from being so high. , my daughter is my miracle child she was not ever supposed to be born. i couldnt have children but found a wonderful dr who did fertility surgery even though my insurance wouldnt cover it so he lied and said he was doing something they covered and while he was operating on me he did complete reconstruction fertility surgery, a procedure that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars, put his license and his job on the line so i could have a chance at having a baby....the odds were not in my favor and he gave me 1 year. nothing happened till in one year i started barfing my guts out. i was pregnant. long story short my daughter was a gift that no one was going to play with her precious little life if i had to do something about myself. but he was so thinking how much dope he could by for 11 grand that he took the money and signed her over to me for ever. sociopaths should not be parents ever they use there children for whatever dirty means they feel they can. they love no one including there own flesh and blood. i got sooooo damn lucky and to this day i know that and am eternally great full to my higher power that i removed his damaging self from ever hurting her. he cant ever touch her she hates his guts. so for any one who has to share custody or have had there children taken from them by the sociopath i am so very sorry my heart breaks for you.

pendra: in part this embarrasses me to say, But my mother went at me all my life. I'm now 59 years old and it is about two and a half months of NC with her. It embarrasses me to make a deal about her because I have not sufferred as others here are sufferring. But I went NC and that makes a good part of the differrence. But occasional bitterness pays me a visit. That I had to lose so much of my life to the person entrusted to bring me up. A person who was not overly concerned about me blossoming into the person I was meant to be. But rather showed contempt for such persons of my gender, including my Dad. If there was something to be gained than she'd want me to PARTIALLY blossom her way. But not for letting me blossom normally to be who I should have been. And she fixed things that she was to have parental authority over me forever. And she wanted me to do things her way and as a lady would do things. I've undone a fair bit of her damage. But having lost tens of years of my life because of her does make me bitter at times.

douglas dont say you havent suffered like some of us that is very far from the truth. did you know that having a mother that is a narcissist is one of the toughest things to deal with and over come? i have not posted information about that because i didnt want it to affect you in a negative way. you can and are growing every day. i want you to really be proud and give yourself credit where credit is due. i know it cant be easy talking to a bunch of women all the time but you do it and you take the time to comment and try and help each one of us when we are going through a rough time, that says a lot about you and your compassion for others inflicted by these hurtful people. we all have different storys and different ways we have been hurt but i think we are all capable of healing a lot of what was done to us. your pain and my pain and everyone here who feels this pain is no different. pain is pain . it hurts. so dont ever think you have suffered less, you have dealt with this your whole life and it takes a real man to admit it and try to change into an even better man. dont sell yourself short on your progress ive seen you grow every day here and its a great thing to watch. thank you for supporting all of us.

tohellagain, i wanted to comment on your post from earlier and am now just getting the chance. i just want you to understand that your relationship is a typical relationship one has with a s,n,p. they do totally take over your identity . tell u how to dress what to say, who u can have or usually not have friendships with every thing and move you make becomes with their approval. to do the opposite comes at to high a price after a while. you have been brainwashed completely by here to think a certain way. so yes when they discard you , you are left with no identity of who you are any more and it s very scary. there is a thing you may already know but its called Stockholm syndrome and i believe you are experiencing some of that. it takes time to find your true self again and believe me acceptance is something that is the very last emotion you are going to feel on this roller coaster ride. you may get glimpses of it but it can take on average for the normal sociopathic relationship ending up to 1 to 2 years before you hit acceptance. when i finally got to that point of my journey it was when i didnt care anymore like i did before. you let go. she cant hurt you or haunt your thoughts anymore. its when you get your first sign and feeling of true real peace. and you will get there i just dont want you to think something is not going the way for you that is should, one day i would be angry as hell the next i was back in denial it changed hourly sometimes there is no correct way to grieve or what emotions you should feel and or when you will feel them. i hope you start to get angry at her and use that anger to find yourself again because you are still in there you have just been suppressed for so long trying to be what she wanted you to be. get mad at her for treating you so disrespectful and use that anger in a positive way. please dont use it in a negative form that will only hurt you more. you need to look at you and say ok who do i want to be. the greatest thing about healing from all this abuse is you dont want to go back to exactly who you were that person ended up in this relationship, you want to become the guy who is never going to let another person manipulate him into doing or being someone he is not. you have all the power to do it will come when you are ready. like i say to others take back your power you own it not her or anyone else and it is in you now. remember she does not define who you are , you do . only you. she never really did she just manipulated you into believeing she had that power over you. thats not her power its yours, take it back and own it again. i hope that makes sense to you its just what came into my mind when i read your post. we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. its in you just reach for it. hugs

They have no idea. They can not conceive such a person exists or that they could be that bad. Unless they have had experience with someone similar. Now that I am out of the situation, I mention my past with my ex and I am surprised how many people have similar experiences amongst their friends and family. So you may find you are not so alone, especially if you talk with people who do not know him.