Sosiopaths often have the nature of giving their targetted victim the best of whatever they wanted to make them feel good, esteemed and/or whatever. While doing this they were gaining info on their victim so as to know best ow to abuse him/her. Once the info is obtained it is a very subtle transtion from being fantastic to being an abusive human being so that you will not know the differrence. Than once the transition is complete it is just abuse abuse abuse. Meanwhile the victim is having wishful thinking for a better future with the abuser until the abused person goes NC or the abuser discards. People who are ignorant of this horrendous phenomenon are uncapable of understanding anything of what we have gone through. And how many people can? It is described in detail in studying pathological psychology. How many people want to take up such a "morbid topic". That is a whole differrent world that they have nothing in common with. That used to be my sentiment. Now that I've gone NC with my mother pathological psychology , starting with antisocial personality disorders has become a facinating subject for study. Not many will be interested in studying it or discussing that with me. But that is OK. I still have the right to have a HEALTHY interest in the subject. It is hard for others to comprehend the magnitude of sufferring we experience unless they have been through it themselves. That is the painful reality. Keep coming back to talk with us. We understand the pain and sufferring and are nonjudgemental. Books on this subject are slowly coming into existance. But people have to read them. Until then the response will be similar to the response individuals got who declared they were sexually abused. A big "DUHHHH!" For now ignore the advice of friends and family who give the "leave the past behind and get on with life" We all get better at our own pace and in our own way(s). So keep posting here.

Yes, I hear you and last night I shared all the abuse details with an old close ex friend who I never told the truth to before, kept it under wraps because I knew she would confront me with it and i was pushing it underground anyway. Today I feel dirty for telling her all this stuff, dirty, as if I have committed a crime and that I will be judged, not him and that I was a fool to share this unsavoury morbid disgusting stuff with her, that she will see it a reflection of my character that i stayed. I have lost most of the friends I shared with before and have learnt the hard way, one by one they got sick of the topic and its morbidity and walked out on me and I have few left and have now learnt to be private and share here only. Today is the first time the word DIRTY has come into my consciousness - when I think of the verbal abuse, the words used, their tone, the growl that came with them, the physical abuse, the marks on my body - DIRTY, the environment i was in as opposed to a healthy relationship in a harmonious home. I feel tainted like I want to shower and shower and scrub it all off. And I feel so sad.

I've been very depressed and lonely at this point in the process also. I've noticed each time I take a step toward acceptance that it magnifies this.

A month or so after she left it really sank in just how much control she had over my life, from big to small, the clothes I wore, the food I ate, finances, everything. My entire life was molded around her, I think she intentionally created dependencies on her. There are many facets to this glob of garbage that was my life with her, but I think part of the extreme loneliness I'm feeling is that my relationship with her had come to define everything about me, it was all I was allowed to think about, my own identity was built entirely around her, and when I was discarded everything I thought about my life was suddenly gone.

I would imagine when a healthy "normal" relationship ends, the feelings of loneliness would be something entirely different. Perhaps in the end of a normal relationship, we'd still be left with much of who we were, instead of feeling robbed blind by a parasite.

To finally accept that her place in the relationship was the exact opposite is devastating. She joyfully skips right along with life like I never existed, and everything that I let define my life left with her.

In reply to your post, today, this is what I think, tomorrow might be different, but right now I am angry, Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. Feel that. When we enter relationship with anyone, be it a friend, lover, parent, whatever, we have a responsibility to that persons feelings and their lives and to our own. There is an amazing Jungian analyst called James Hollis who wrote an incredible book called The Eden Project, In Search Of The Magical Other, and in it he dispels the myth of a soul mate, of someone who will come alone on a white horse and hold our heart in their hands and attend to our needs, and feed our heart. Doing that is our responsibility and ours alone, and I think that whilst we must be aware that monsters like Sociopaths exist and leave us feeling emptied out when they discard us, we must ask ourselves how much of ourself we willingly gave to them and if we need to look at ourselves in the picture too, instead of only projecting the picture of destroyal onto them. We have to contain ourselves in relationship and we always live in choice, but yes they are cunning, strategical and manipulative and we can be easily blindsided by their expert techniques they use to break us down and make us comply to their rules, their needs, their autocracy. I did it for 13 years before at the 12th year something opened my eyes, after extensive physical and mental and verbal abuse and I suddenly SAW his strategy and how he did it, how he operated, and I was horrified, but not yet finished there, so I quickly closed my eyes again and a therapist told me that it was because I did not yet have enough EGO STRENGTH to face what I had seen and to walk out on it, that I had become addicted to what he fed me and to how he contributed to my own pathology and my own issues, and kept them alive and kicking. Only once out are we able to address what about us made us stay, what about us we have to address, what about us allowed it to happen - I don't believe it can be all about them but of course they have huge power in their intelligence they use to break down another person until they are a hollow shell. I have been discarded and when told I was shocked beyond belief because I was previously always the one discarding him after abuse or issues arose and then could click my fingers and get him back, over 13 years, and I continued that cycle always. In this instance, he informed me that he no longer loved me, no longer wanted me in his life and when could I leave and this was just when I was informed I was clear of cancer which of course was the moment he had been waiting for - he had some moral bone in his body to not do it whilst I was in ten months of treatment, but I realised it had ended for him the moment I got sick because these people cannot stand weakness because it reflects their own weakness that they cannot stand in themselves, and so they borrow strength from others and then break them down until they are back at their own starting place, back in weakness, a trap they cannot get out of. We can get out of the broken shells we have become as hard as it is to do so, they don't have the capacity, they use strong people as parasites and then fuck them over completely, with no remorse and then when we are rock bottom, they trash us and no, the end is not like a normal relationship where there will be a mutual discussion about that ending, we are simply discarded when we are rock bottom and can least afford to be cast out, have nothing left, no self confidence, no self esteem, and have become entirely reliant on the sociopaths approval and acknowledgement of us, become desperate for their approval, do cart wheels for their love. But none of it is real, they don't have a capacity to love like we do, or any capacity for empathy to feel our pain, they commit a devastating crime by breaking down a whole person into a shell of who they are so they can return to their broken spirt and revisit it. What now - well I am new to this, only two months out of my relationship and also broken hearted, also shocked, also horrified, also a shell, and trying to deal with the chaos of emotions I feel now that I have lifted my blinders and am no longer in denial and I see how I have been taken for an absolute ride and what damage it has done to my life and what a catastrophic choice I made in this man I left a very decent marriage for, that people warned me against. How do I make sense of this, how do I forgive myself for this, he too skips along with MY dogs at his house which he refuses me to see, gets on with life, and has also destroyed my cred so no one believes me, and no one wants to hear my sordid story anyway - plus he has ensured he has created an image of me that is psychopathic, unstable, drug addicted, mentally ill, dangerous and made ME the abuser and him the victim, artfully turned it around. I cannot talk to a single person about this anymore because all those friends I did share with have eventually walked out of my life, sick to death of the drama and the chaos and if anything began to see it as a reflection of MY character that I stayed in this fucked up relationship, began to disbelieve me. I can only talk on this site and share my experience and I intend to see a therapist. Now the denial has lifted I am in deep pain and I am horrified by what I exposed myself to, as opposed to WHAT WAS DONE TO ME - see the difference. I need to own it to heal from it rather than hand all the blame to him though I realise I was dealing with a very sick man. And of course I must stay away from him at all costs, shove thoughts of him out my head, don't think of him skipping through life, go through the pain and self reflection that will lead me to growth whilst he continues his pattern with the next girl, and the next and the next and remains and empty shell incapable of love forever. I would rather grow through this pain capable of love and allow real and authentic love back into my life again in the future with a decent caring empathetic person than ever be him. So as said, Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. She is sick. You aren't, but look at your issues and what drew you in what she fed in you and why you stayed and hang on tight, I am doing that, the others on the site have taught me to, I am holding on tight and feeling the feelings, I feel dirty and angry and disgusted and horrified and discarded and hurt and damaged. But I am still alive and I am determined to carry on one way or another. I will not be known as the woman who was destroyed by this man. Not a chance.

of course its not all about then we all play our role in this game we play with sociopaths. the difference is ours is not usually done out of malice and complete hate for the other person. we didnt come into the relationship with nothing but lies. and yes it is our responsibility to make sure we get well and stop allowing them to abuse us. we all have our role in this. but we are not to blame for there actions of abuse against us, period.

yes I agree, we don't enter the relationship with an agenda and with ideas of manipulation and a compelling need to break them down or to degrade their life or own them or make them comply, instead we are so attracted to the light they make us feel inside us that we somehow let go and that allows us to submit to their very control and to very quickly let them in under our skin, and then we are toast. Do they hate us from the beginning? Are they mysoginists, the men? Have they got an active aware plan from the beginning? Or is it a non-aware action that is part of their personality and sickness..........

yes they see us a very weak indivuals and despise us for acting on emotions. it is only the mask they wear to get what they want that pretends to love and care about us. when the mask falls off you are seeing who they really are. rotten to the core

But why would a person like this stay in a relationship with me for 13 years, what is their gain and their investment, when all other relationships he has had have been short and quick and discarded.........how long can they hold the mask up for? Do they know they are wearing a mask, are they aware they are masquerading?

because you allowed him to abuse you and he wanted something you had . they discard you when you have nothing left that they want. money, status, housing etc. it can be something so stupid but they will take it till there is nothing left of you then get rid of you. its pretty sick

Holy shit that is horrifying, i was the most successful wealthy biz woman when he met me, now I have absolutely nothing.................is that the extent they will go to, why?

yes because they can hun. it is a sick twisted game they like to play. they will take everything you have and then be gone without feeling a thing. they do not feel empathy which people need to feel to care anything about another human being. its like knowing you loved a monster. it hurts

When I look back at the person I was when I first met my NH, (30 years ago this coming November), I cringe.... I was so young and impressionable. I was a trusting soul who took people for who they appeared to be. What a difficult and horrible lesson I learned. I actually have trust issues now. Kind of went from one end of the spectrum to the other. I made a mistake when I met him by thinking we mutually trusted each other and loved each other. Bottom line.... I was wrong.

I have accepted the fact that I made mistakes, that I was too trusting, that I put too much confidence in the NH. That is now my PAST. And I'm learning I need to leave it in the past and move on to my future. I'm now focusing on my present and enjoying life again. But I had to experience all the emotions of sadness, extreme pain and heartache, disgust with him and disgust with myself, disappointment and disillusion of him and our marriage, and when I finally purged myself of all that negativity I was able to forgive myself. I refuse to allow myself to be angry at myself, to call myself stupid.

The fact is I am a really good person, and it's time I treated myself with self love, self care. Making myself my first priority is something new for me. It feels foreign and unfamiliar, but it's part of this healing journey and reclaiming my life. I'm trying to set new goals for myself. Small goals right now, but I can feel my sense of adventure and ambition beginning to grown again.

Pendra, you once asked if you could rebuild a new life for yourself at age 50. Well I'll be 56 years old soon, and I'm here to tell you that we CAN rebuild our lives, and I feel we will do it even better this time. With the experience and knowledge we have gained from the days of horrors, we are growing stronger because of it. It might not be easy.... life is NOT easy. But life can be good, filled with many joys. We have to keep our eyes on the prize. The prize being a new and wonderful life.

spirit you are such an awesome human being. i feel very lucky to have you as my friend . im glad you are feeling this way and i just want to say i saw this person in you the first time i met you. there is nothing bad about you and your concern for others is so cool to see. you have so much compassion for others and you are truly a good kind soul. i have severe trust issues too im realizing but i can honestly say i would trust you with my life. and i dont trust anyone. you rock sister. and i mean that with all sincerity .

Pendra, you are, in reality, as "dirty" now as you were before the EX attempted to abuse you. That is to say you are not dirty at all, even if I can't make you "feel" clean. You did not consent to be in a relation so as to be abused by that "partner" in your life. Nor was it your intention to seek out the abuse. Like with sex, if it is not mutually consentual than the one forcing it on the other is in the wrong. The same applies in the case of this perpetrator who played with your emotions without your consent, who abused you emotionally and psychologically, and who stole all the good stuff you had going before meeting him. The EX is the reaal perpetrator. You have no need to feel dirty because of his actions that were all not mutually consentual. He is the one who had no respect for your established boundaries nor love for you as a human being. He is the horror story. Not you. And I do not see you as "DIRTY". So be nice to yourself and do some nice things for you. If you are into affectionate animals find one and pet it, carress it and see if it runs from the affection, just because you feel "dirty". It never happens with me. Animals are great at permitting me to see my positive side when I can't see it myself.

As a PS: All that stuff you'd not dare tell humans, you can tell it to a dog or cat. They are great listeners and won't tell others. :)