Sorry you're still having the nightmares, V. It really does seem to take a long time to heal and not have those awful dreams. But it will get better. Yes the 'love bombing' is all an act, and the intensity of the narcs and sociopaths charming us is only a tactic they use on all their targets. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it is sadly the truth.

In answer to your question about is it ever real.... yes, I believe it is. My oldest son and his wife are celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary today. I'm very sure that neither of them have a personality disorder, and I am so happy and impressed with their successful marriage. I think the foundation for their success is the respect they give each other. They seem like a match made in heaven.

They were here last Sunday at my house, and I caught them making eye contact with each other and smiling. They are so in love, and that gives me such joy. The surprising thing about their relationship is that as teenagers, 15 and 16 years old, they were the first persons to date each other. Neither one of them had a boyfriend or girlfriend before they began dating. That was over 10 years ago. They take time for each other, and they travel a lot. They have lots of hobbies, both with each other and away from each other. They seldom have a disagreement, and I think that's due to their good communication.

So yes, V, there really is true love with all the trimmings out there for you. Please don't get in a hurry and settle for anything less than what you deserve. True happiness with another is going to be there for you one day. And now that you've had the difficult and traumatic experience with a narc/ soc, you know what to look out for. You're ahead of the game by having the knowledge you now have.

My wish is you will find a wonderful guy soon, but until then... love yourself. Work on 'you' and enjoy life without a guy. You don't need another person to make you feel complete. You're doing good, so hang in there and I'm sending you a big (((hug))). Stay strong. :)

Hewee, I can surely relate as most can about the "love-bombing". It is all a fairy-tale, a whirlwind romance that sweeps you off your feet, and makes you feel like you're on top of the world.. I remember all too well that phase; it was like I was brainwashed, under his control and hypnotized and I couldn't get enough of him. All was so perfect, and the more the love-bomb, the more I fell in love with him. Little did I know that it was calculated all in an effort to get me hook and then destroy me.

When I think of those good memories with him, I try to switch back to the way he treated me. One episode that remains with me is during the discard phase where he threw a $10 dollar bill at my feet, and asked me to suck him off. I could not believe my husband was saying this to me. He treated me as if I were a stripper or a whore. How did it get like this? I wondered, when he use to praise me in the beginning of our relationship that I was a virtuous woman, but then treated me differently. Why? What did I do? I loved him, I took care of him, provided for him and trusted him. Why? Why did he do this to me? Why did he make me believe that this was love? I cried, and then I bawled. It took me by complete shock. So, when the good times come back running in my head, I quickly think about this and all his other evil doings to help me remember I was married to a very sick man. This is helping me to get through.

However, everybody's healing process is different, but we all share the experience of being conned, manipulated, and abused whether it's verbally or physically and we are all here to tell our personal stories, and support each other.

Hewee, one thing I believe in is faith, and I know with faith you can get through anything and for sure you will get through this....keep faith.

Spirit, that is a wonderful story you shared about your son and daughter-in-law. I hope to be in the same position as them one day. A fulfilling relationship that is based off true love.....

Spirit---- Congrats to your son. I hope to find a relationship like that in the future.
It's sad to think that this love bombing is just a trick to pull us victims in......all of it is fake. And then who they really are comes out.
I wish love bombing was real and could withstand everything and just be this continuous force. I know that I definitely am someone who love bombs people with affection and compliments...and I do it out of true love and care and compassion and I try to keep it alive for as long as I can......
Breakfree- I sympathize with you. Do you mind if I ask how long you were married for and how long it took for you to realize these changes?
I was with my ex with only a few months and after only a few weeks he stopped opening the car door for me, he didn't wake up anymore to move my car for me- I had to do it. He wouldn't hold me at night anymore and if I asked him to he would push me off and say "I have a four year old who bugs me in the middle of the night I don't need two of them"
and the worst was when I tried to sleep with him (I have this problem with pain when I have sex) and he shoved me off saying he couldn't sleep with someone when it hurts for them. As if it was MY fault.
After all that love bombing.
And it took only a month or a month and a half for him to start behaving differently.
I blamed MYSELF. Thinking...I pushed him away and thats why he acted that way.

God...I hope one day to find the kind of love and affection that I know I can offer others. I think we all deserve that kind of everlasting love. It upsets me how relationships become this game to some people..they try to be so perfect and deceptive at first, recognizing that of course we are better than they deserve. And then once they see our flaws, once they become comfortable, they show their true colors. It's just awful...

Heyvee, sure I don't mind at all answering your questions.

I met him in the fall of 2011 and we married in March 2013. I must admit, upon my first encounter with him he gave me the predatory stare, it made me very uncomfortable and caused me to shiver. I even turned my head to keep him from staring, but that didn't help because when I turned around he was still staring at me without breaking contact. I thought it was strange, but I ignored it. And of course, other things he did within 1 to 2 months within the relationship, he publicly humiliated me, berated me, disrespected me and every time that he did those things to me I dumped him, only to be hoovered back in again with him. He would cry, and plead until I took him back and this must have happened at least 5 times before we got married. I should have never taken him back. I should have left him alone....

As for you, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I just don't understand how it is possible for someone not to empathize with your pain, especially someone who claims to love you? These individuals are just sick.....glad he's out of your life.

Heyvee,

'“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

If you like to read, check out the books by Miguel Ruiz - Don't worry, there is TRUE love. Right now you are gathering the tools and learning how to use them, so you will recognize it, when (not 'in case') it crosses your path.

And as Spirit said: 'My wish is you will find a wonderful guy soon, but until then... love yourself. Work on 'you' and enjoy life without a guy. You don't need another person to make you feel complete.'

I will post some threads to his audio books, so when these bothering thoughts creep in, listen to his books!

:)

Its hard to think of abandonment as a gift but I will have to. Ifnwe were together any longer I would probably be on a variety of meeds and in a hospital somewhere. That's how badly my relationship affected me. I'm grateful for all ofnyour support....I truly am. Breakfree- it's crazy how we saw such signs early on but still decided to be with these people...I wonder why?

And I am glad you are free from a marriage you were unhappy in. You deserve so much better! I can't believe what sexual deviants and complete jerks these guys are! No one needs to be treated that way. It's just awful

heyvee, you will find a great love one day I am sure. But for now you should focus on yourself and investing in you. Don't stress over the online dating thing. Maybe it is just too soon. When you are truly ready, you won't be comparing him to anyone b/c he was such a monster. You're still healing. You're young. You have plenty of time for love to find you. Get out with your girls. Do something that makes you feel beautiful. Just focus on doing things that make you happy. You need to be able to be happy being alone, then love will come. =)

i used to believe in the fairy tale but i dont anymore think of it as love. on my blog i had when i first came here i wrote a post and the top line was...... NO CINDERELLA THERE AINT NO FU@#ING PRINCE......

WE ARE TAUGHT TO BELIEVE THIS BY DISNEY MOVIES AND OTHER SOCIETY influences. sorry about the caps there... when i was a little girl i was taught and told over and over again how ill grow up and get married and have kids. thats my job. well i married a sociopath and my life has been hell ever since. fairy tale love does not exist. love exsists. but with love just like everything else there are bad times and problems too. we tend to be addicted to the rush we got from being love bombed by our exs. its an addiction not love. dont get me wrong im not saying that you wont fall in love with a great guy and have a happy life but dont look for those intense relationships out there most of them are dysfunctional if not personality disordered people and situations.

I know what you mean, bella. I feel very jaded, too. After decades of emotional abuse, thinking it was all my fault from the manipulation and brainwashing, I feel a lot of ambivalence. On one hand, I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to even attempt to have another relationship with a man. I'm terrified of making a wrong choice again. But on the other hand, I know there are some great men and successful marriages out there. However, I do remind myself that no marriage is perfect, because no one is perfect. There are going to be occasional problems and difficulties. That's just life, so I think it's wise to not delude ourselves, or be in a dream world expecting the impossible.

I think if I was younger I might feel differently about gathering the courage and looking around for another husband. At this point, I would consider having a nice roommate, a platonic relationship with someone. Someone who is handy and is a hard worker, Someone who can fix things, and not expect anything as 'payment'. With my stbx, I have had very little actual physical help here on the farm, or in raising the children. His job has kept him away from the house for at least 80% of the time. I've felt single for years really, and stbx H has acted single the 25 years we've been together by dating and sleeping with anyone who comes across his path. No, I would say marriage for me again has about a 99.9% chance of ever happening. I won't say 'never', because I've learned to never say 'never'. :)

If I love bomb does that mean that I'm somewhat abnormal haha. It is an addiction that I will miss. You're right though.....there's fake love and then there's real love. I hope to experience real love someday.

Spirit sprout it know how you feel. You're terrified of feeling that same pain again or not the same kind of love you thought you had. I'm scared too...really scared actually of being in a relationship again.
I keep fantasizing about the love bombing and comparing everyone to that and I honestly don't trust a single soul. I hoping that with time both of us will be open to finding love again

no no hevvee there is nothing wrong with you girl im the same way. but thats probably what got me in trouble. im a pisces and boy do i fit the mold. dreamy, lives in a fantasy world, emotional , to a T. i wanted to believe it was true but reality is people have problems and nothing is ever perfect. we just have to find a more happy medium than the ones who just bombard us with an over dose of attention cause from my experience they usually are full of it and looking for something to take. i do believe there is a healthy love out there i dont know if ill ever find it but ive learned the difference and im glad. hevvee i miss the love bombing a lot to i loved it.

heyvee, My son I mentioned earlier told me in a conversation about a year ago, as he and I were discussing someone else's relationship, that he and his wife were in the "honeymoon stage" for about two years. But he said they're actually in a better place now in their marriage, because they've accepted each other completely even knowing the worst about each other now. The honeymoon stage is a lot like the lovebombing we've experienced with our narcs.

I think in a really good relationship, there are several stages that are experienced. Which is very normal. But as long as the love is true, the respect is there for each other, and their is mutual appreciation, the later part of a relationship is even better than the lovebombing. Or so I've been told..... :)

I feel like......real love might consist of love bombing in moderation. A compliment here and there, a gift here and there and not on crack the way we experienced it. My ex asked me to marry him after a month and a half..for god sakes. And told me he wanted me to be the mother of his children and all of this other nonsense.
Of course, who wouldn't love hearing that?
But I think that real love is built completely on trust and honesty and that ability to be vulnerable around one another without judgement. The second my ex saw I was vulnerable and "not perfect" he freaked out, pointed the finger at me, claimed that I was moving the relationship "too quickly" and called me a psycho.
I had a few nights where I cried in front of him. Real, deep, emotional tears...because I was convinced he loved me and would be there for me. Little did I know that he would use those tears against me and call me "bipolar" and crazy for having panic attacks in front of him.
I want to see myself with someone who will accept me and allow me to cry on their shoulder and confide in them. I guess real love is built on friendship..and I definitely didn't have that in my last relationship.
It sucks...not having the love bombing. Given that you and I are probably both affectionate people who care deeply for the people we are with and would be more than happy to shower them with gifts, it would be nice to have the same......but I guess at this point I would rather take honesty and trust and a real foundation over any of that. I am glad that we both can recognize these differences. Its been hard for me to understand what I did to DESERVE him leaving me with no remorse at all after love bombing me for two straight months......but now I know that love in that sense is a myth. And the love bombing was done to get things from me, to make sure that I stayed and didn't realize what a psycho he was, what a liar he was...and what an overall terrible person he was.
Do you think that love bombing is used as a mechanism to keep us where we are instead of seeing them for who they really are?

oh yes its also to lure you in so they can start their brainwashing tactics by then we are sucked in. its all about control with then. all they are doing is reflecting you back to yourself its why they do it so they know our vulnerabilities and weaknesses.