SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group

A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...

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Varanus 03/26/2018

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but maybe it will help me (or others) to see it in writing. I'm still coming to grips with the fact that my relationship is over, even though I know in my heart that it was unhealthy for a long time. We were together less than a year, so my story may seem trivial to some who have dealt with these issues for a decade or more, but I need to share it all the same. Here is the backstory:

The woman I was dating up until this morning acted like the sun rose and set on me for the first part of our relationship. She was always doing nice things, giving compliments, buying gifts, etc. She told me she loved me, nobody understood her I like do, thought I was "the one", and that she could see us spending the rest of our lives together. Of course, I ate it up, and gave her everything I had to offer in return. The sex was amazing, we had very in-depth and intellectual conversations, never argued about anything (she would always mirror everything I said interested me), and I truly believed every word she ever said. I couldn't get enough of her, and as far as I knew she felt the same. She has never been married, but also has a 6 year old daughter whom I really became attached to as well.

There were periods during the relationship that she would tell what I considered "white lies" about trivial things. I overlooked them, and even thought it was cute in the beginning. I chalked it up to her trying to impress me. Over time though, the lies started to grow. She would stay late at work (one time until 1am) and always have an excuse. She would have several blocks of time that were unaccounted for, and when I would ask about them she would always make up something that I knew wasn't true. Her lies were said with such sincerity and reassurance about or relationship that I would go along with it just to keep from having her disappointed in me for even questioning it. How crazy is that?!

Things were fine as far as I knew, until she took a new job a few weeks ago. This new job required her to work evenings, and the establishment closes at 9pm. There were a few nights that she wouldn't get home until after midnight, and having been through that at her last job, I decided it was time to ask if there was something going on outside our relationship that I should know about. That was a week ago yesterday. She reassured me again that everything was good, and that she was having to stay late to do a lot of the menial tasks because she was new. Another excuse that I shouldn't have bought but did. Things returned to what I thought was normal through the week, still mising some blocks of time, but I ignored them until last night when it happened again. We went shopping before she went to work yesterday because she said she needed a new outfit. I even helped her pick it out, and I didn't think a thing about it. She looked amazing in this outfit too, on top of already being a very beautiful woman. Simply stunning.

So I go about my day. Usually she will send random texts from work about whats happening, telling me she misses me, how incredible I am, etc., but last night was different. The texts barely came, I sent a few with several hours in-between replies, and finally about 3 hours after the store closed she texted to tell me she was on the way home. (we didn't live together, I don't think I mentioned that) When she got home, I finally told her that I was upset about how things went that evening. This is where it all started to go downhill. She accused me of not trusting her, and said she wanted to meet and talk about it tomorrow after she's a had a night to process.

Fast forward to this morning, and we met at a neutral site (her choice, a store parking lot of all things). I got into her car and asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, and the first thing out of her mouth is that we should go back to being just friends. What?! Two weeks ago I was the love of your life, you wanted to be with me forever, I could do no wrong, and today you just want to be friends? Because I asked why you were 3 hours late getting home from work? I couldn't even say anthing I was so taken aback. I just told her if thats what she wanted then I'm ok with it (even though I was as far from ok as someone could be)

Things of course didn't add up. I was surprised, floored, devastated, broken hearted, etc. You name it and I felt it. I have tried all day to wrap my head around it, so I started doing some research on relationship, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc. On the checklist for Sociopath, she hit just about every box. I don't know if she is, but looking back at her behavior and how abruptly things ended, I can't help but think she may just be undiagnosed (or maybe diagnosted but left that out during our time together). From the easy of lying, to mirroring my desires and emotions, she fits the bill to a T.

All that having been said though, I'm still completely in love with her and yet devastated beyond belief. I've had relationships in the past end, some on much worse terms than these, but this one takes the cake. I was actually planning on spending the rest of my life with this person, and now I'm not sure I even knew her at all. Was anything real? Was it all a lie and a manipulation? I can't say for sure, but at this moment it feels like my world has ended.

Any advice and/or help getting through this would be greatly appreciated.

Mfk 03/27/2018

Ok, first of all, congratulations for figuring this out so fast!!!! I bought the lies from my sociopath for 6 years because I was so manipulated into not questioning him. Even after I discovered the lies, it took me another 2 years to figure out that he was a sociopath while he continued to manipulate me the whole time. Second of all, narcissistic abuse is NEVER trivial whether it is for a few weeks, months, a year or more. Please do not think that your situation is trivial. Third, the heartbreak you feel is actually withdrawal from being addicted to your sociopath. We are all addicted to them due to their idealization, mirroring, and devaluation, and then back to idealization again, and eventual discard. If you can be strong and not go back to her (because she will come back, they all do) then you are way ahead of the game. I suggest reading Pyschopath Free, A Beautiful, Terrible Thing, and When Love is a Lie. You will learn different things from each book that will help you to understand the abuse and the addiction. I am now doing the workbook from Zari Ballard to help with recovery. I also spoke to her on the phone and she is great to help you understand what happened. You can find her on the internet. I am very sorry that you are now a part of this very unfortunate club. Keep writing and we will help you.

Varanus 03/27/2018

Thank you Mfk, I needed to hear all those things. It's hard to congratulate myself at this point since I feel like my heart has been ripped out, but I'll gladly take all the positive reinforcement I can get. I don't think I have an addictive personality in general, but you're definitely right about being addicted to her, or at least the though of her and how she made me feel for so long. I will definitely check out those books. I don't feel like eating, sleeping, working, or anything else at the moment, so anything that will help me understand and move past the situation will be greatly welcomed. I think I'm also disappointed and even angry with myself for letting it get to this point and ignoring the obvious red flags. Coming from a man who thought he was emotionally stable, I'm a trainwreck at this point. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to talk with me about it.

Mfk 03/27/2018

The truth is, you were emotionally stable. The goal of a sociopath is to steal your identity. As a result, you are not the same person now. You will get your identity back, I promise!!! The anger is normal. I had so much anger at him and at myself for so long. However, the reality is, you had no way of knowing. We trust people. We believe them when they say that they love us. We can't imagine that they could lie to us on purpose and not care about the consequences. Furthermore, they manipulate us to overlook red flags. This is what she was doing every time to ask questions. You are not to blame in any way. No way at all!! Just so you know, you will go back as many times as you need to until you are convinced that she is, indeed, a sociopath. If you have doubts, you will give her another chance and hope she will change. When she does not change, over and over again, it will finally sink in that she is a sociopath and then the addiction starts to fall away. I hope you are convinced already but it would be unusual for someone to recognize this and accept it at the first discard. I hope you are the rare one that does this. If not, do not blame yourself when you are willing to take the drug again when she returns. It is a part of the process. Just come back to us whenever you need us.

Mfk 03/27/2018

Also, I understand your pain. I lived with extreme pain in my chest for two years because I could not reconcile the person I loved for 6 years and who "loved" me so much with the person he was revealed to be and he kept trying to convince me that I was the one with the problem. The pain has finally gone because I finally gathered enough data to know that he was manipulating me on purpose, and, hence a narcissist. I also saw his lack of empathy throughout my pain. When I was in pain, I actually found that Advil helped. Turns out, pain is pain. Emotional pain is physical pain. Do not take anything addictive for the pain. I know it feels like the pain will never go away but it will.

Varanus 03/28/2018

Thank you again for your kind words. It's been 48 hours now and I still feel like I was hit by a truck, but it's slightly better than the first day. I've done nothing but scour the internet to get as much information as I can on Psychopathy, Sociopaths and Narcissism. It has been a HUGE eye opener. Granted, it doesn't make the feelings I had just go away, and the pain is still very fresh, but at least I can see now that in her eyes non of it was ever real. I think eventually that will help me get over the whole situation a lot sooner than it would have if I didn't already know the truth. What really sucks is that we have to see each other every morning before work. We don't work together, so that's definitely a plus, but even seeing her yesterday I could tell that there was no remorse, no regret, no feeling whatsoever. It was like she had never known me at all. I've read several articles, including your own, saying that they will come back to torment eventually, but I just can't see that happening with her. She is more than attractive enough to find many other targets to consume, so I may have lucked out on that aspect of this torture. Anyway, I thank you once again for your thoughtful council. I will continue to take it day by day and hope the withdrawal phase goes away sooner rather than later.

Risi 03/28/2018

Hi Varanus & Mfk... I just happen to click on this post almost by accident or in blind desperation (or both) for a reason for my wife's behavior, as i read your post Varanus I thought OMG, This behavior fits my wife of 13 years...and I'm still wondering how the heck have I missed it.
Varanus this is not trivial, not by a long shot. Your feelings have worth, and thank you sharing, if you hadn't , I wouldn't have read Mfk's response and learned of the traits of a sociopath. My story is a bit different as I am a woman married to a woman and we have 3 kids together. Varanus I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope your healing will come soon, But wow if I could just get my wife to be honest about...well about anything I would welcome that and perhaps start my own healing. I too believed all the white lies and convinced myself that they were true and made sense, mainly due to her look of sincerity and of course me thinking "nah , she loves me , she wouldn't do this to me...wow was i wrong, SO WRONG !
Thank you for sharing.

Varanus 03/28/2018

Hi Risi, thank you for the reply. I'm so very sorry you are going through a similar situation. Finding out your entire relationship has been a lie is a huge blow to your mental well being. I have done nothing but try to make sense of it all for the last two days, but I'm starting to realize that there is nothing to make sense of! It was all a sham, a fantasy, not real, and only one side of the equation had real emotions or feelings. I'm not sure if it's more difficult to know I meant nothing to her, or knowing that she meant so much to me. Both of them suck pretty bad to be honest. Speaking of honesty, as much as it pains me to tell you, I wouldn't hold out any hope that she will be honest about anything with you. From all the knowledge I've absorbed over the last two days, the most you can hope for is a "half-truth" where you'll have to fill in the rest and hope for the best. At this point in my own situation, even if she were to tell me the honest truth about anything, I'm not sure I could believe her. Even if she came to me and said the sun is out today, I would still look up in disbelief after witnessing it for myself. It is not a position I would wish on my worst enemy (which is funny, because before this situation I don't think I had any). Although I am still completely distraught, I'm trying be a better person and not hold anything against her. Not for her sake, but for my own. I may have been a victim but I'm not going to let her take away what sense of pride and dignity I have left.

Mfk 03/28/2018

Risi and Varanus, I highly recommend Psychopath Free if you have not read it. I listened to it on audiobook and it was a huge eye opener. Varanus, there is a chapter on "transitional targets" where the sociopaths do not come back. This may apply to you. When they do not come back. It is because they realize that their targets are too smart to be manipulated by them. I was not a transitional target. My sociopath came back over and over again because he knew that he had me so brainwashed that I would believe his lies or at least want to believe them enough to think he would change.

Mfk 03/28/2018

Oops, did not mean to post that without editing. Sorry for the typos. Anyway, mine came back over and over for two years while I continued to be manipulated, lived with a broken heart, and could not believe that he could possibly have used me for the 6 years prior. I just could not get it through my head that he never really loved me after all the things he said and all the plans we made. Now, I can look back and see all the lies and manipulations for years. I also realize that my pain for two years was even more of an ego feed for him than my love was for the first 6 years. This is why he kept coming back, to ensure that I would not recover. In the end, I caught him in a bold-faced lie, called him out on the manipulations (including telling me that I said terrible things about him when I was drunk that now I know I never said and had spent years trying to make up to him) and I told him that I wanted 200K for damages. He actually agreed because I think he is fearful that I will reveal his secrets to his other wife (yes, he had another wife that he hid from me for the entire relationship!). Of course I will not tell her because I realize that she is just as brainwashed as I was and it would be all turned around on me. I also know that I will never see that money but it felt good to call him out and take my power back!!!!!

Varanus 03/28/2018

Mfk, thank you again for your insight and continued support. During those two years that he kept coming back, were you aware of him being the predator you know him to be now? Or did you start doing research some point during those two years? I am SO glad you were able to take your power back! I do plan on purchasing Psychopath Free as my first book, but after reading your post I did a quick search on "Transitional Targets" and found this:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/the-transitional-target.145/

I've read the entire thing about half a dozen times to make sure I digested every bit of information, and I'm pretty sure you are 100% correct. Calling her out finally on staying 3 hours after work probably showed her I wasn't going to be manipulated anymore. She had also just gotten out of a 4 year relationship prior to hooking up with me, so there is little doubt I was just a transition until she found someone more suited to her manipulative needs. She did get what she needed from me though, I idolized her in much the same way she pretended to idolize me. My mind is so conflicted at this point. Still addicted and and in love, yet disgusted and angry at the same time.

Mfk 03/28/2018

No, I had no idea he was a sociopath for the two years that he kept coming back. He idolized me for the 6 years prior. He told me that he loved me over and over again. He said he worshipped me. He said that he wanted to be me. He even changed how he dressed to look like me (which I thought was cute, duh). And he spent over a million dollars on me!!! He was very rich and money was one of his tools to manipulate women. After 6 years, I found out that he had cheated on me since the beginning including having another wife!!! She still has no idea that I existed. When the mask came off, there was no empathy. None at all. He started at me when I cried and didn't even apologize. I didn't start putting the pieces together until about 6 months ago but I still didn't believe that it could be true. He fit every criteria but I had cognitive dissonance (I learned that in psychopath free). I could not reconcile the man I knew for 6 years with the cruel man who stood before me. So, I kept thinking he would change back into the man I knew and he used this as a tool to manipulate me further. It finally sunk all the way in that he is a sociopath just this week and the addiction basically vanished. So odd!!! Also read, "A beautiful, terrible thing". This is a lot like my relationship and yours (I think). Mine even threatened to kill himself if I didn't stay with him and allow him to keep his other wife too!!!! Are you kidding???? He thought this was reasonable and I was just too "black and white".

Mfk 03/28/2018

I will read the link you sent about transitional targets. Btw, he stared at me when I cried, not started (typo). Yes, he literally stared at me while sitting in a chair across from me when I laid on the couch half naked and cried after finding out. He didn't hug me, he didn't say he was sorry, he didn't say he would change, he didn't shed a tear, he just stared and then finally said, "Let's go to bed." This after 6 years of saying, "I will do anything for you. I don't just love you, I want to be you, I want to live inside your body." The mask was off. And, yes, I said he spent a million dollars on me, literally. How could I have imagined that he had another wife and other women as well. It is too impossible to even imagine.

Mfk 03/28/2018

Oh, the link you sent is from the book Psychopath Free!

Varanus 03/28/2018

I am sorry beyond words that you had to go through that. I'm also glad that you were able to get a little bit out of it financially. I know you'd trade that for a redo of the last 8 years, either with him as a normal human being, or with someone who was real. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how anyone can lack empathy. Just cold, calculated, emotionless emptiness. Staring at you blankly while you cried? I can't even imagine.

I was ladled with all the accolades as well, right after the first date. The entire time we were together I was "the greatest lover, the most compassionate male on the planet, the most loving father, the most handsome man she's ever met, etc. etc. etc." Of course I ate it up. Who wouldn't? After all, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I was perfect for her. Nobody has ever understood her like I do, it's like fate brought us together. I could go on ad nauseam with all the love talk and building of my ego, but having been in my position I'm sure you've heard a lot more than I have.

I have a plethora of stories concerning the "trivial" lies too. Some of them were so outrageous that I actually had to try not to smile while she was telling them. I'm not exaggerating when I say some of them reminded me of this youtube clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LegARkRSP8w&feature=youtu.be

Mfk 03/28/2018

Hahaha!! That is hilarious!!! I must say, I never caught mine in a lie until the truth came out! He was so good. He never gave himself away. He never even slipped and told me something he had already told me thinking he had told the other wife. Nothing. It seems impossible to me. For 6 years I had no clue he had another wife, one he had married before me. However, he was highly intelligent. Graduated from ivy league school and ivy league medical school as well, number one in his class. He would act like he wasn't very smart, always telling me that I was so much smarter than him. What a joke!! A total con artist and sociopath. Amazing.

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