I am on Day 2 of total no contact with my ex today. I did very well for about 24 hours, relative to how I usually react when we go through this cycle. This is the furthest I have ever gone to cut off contact - I have blocked his number on my phone and blocked him on every social media and messaging site I can think of, even Pinerest. However, we work together and he works again tomorrow. I can avoid him but there is always the possibility of rounding a corner and running right into him. I don't know how I will handle that - right now I really think I am numb. I'm terrified that when I see him I am going to break down. We have had up to a year of no contact before while I moved out of state. I only heard from him twice during that year and I was able to rebuff over the phone. It wasn't as difficult since I didn't see him in person. However, as soon as I moved home we started this cycle all over again. This is the third time we have "stopped speaking" in two years. Every. single. time. it is at his request. Every single time he ends up back around. I say it is at his request- it is actually always the results of a gigantic fight and I can never quite figure out how it even started. It is always something that I am doing that he does not like.

The more I read about narcissistic sociopaths the more I am convinced that is what is happening here. I relate to every single thing I have read so far. It is a relief to see that I am not the only one desperately in love, trying so hard to make things work some how and feeling like it is all my fault and I am crazy. Every single fight we have had in seven years he has blamed on me and my emotional instability. I bent over backward doing every nice thing I could think of for years, trying to prove that I am not a bad person and that I love and care about him. It was ALWAYS the wrong thing. I could never do anything correctly. No matter how I responded to situations with him I am the one who has problems. There is no winning.

The terrible part to me is that I STILL LOVE HIM. WTF is wrong with me? I long for him, I think about him all the time. I have cut off contact and I am outraged at the awful, terrible things he said to me. But still, I think about him. I miss him. When things happen during the day I want to tell him about them first. I contantly check my phone for text messages even though I know I have his number blocked. I want it to stop and I am so tired of it. I feel like a pathetic mess. How could I want to be around someone who constantly makes me feel like I am worthless? He convinces me any time I am around him that I am broken almost beyond repair. I had an extremely difficult childhood, including sexual abuse. I have PTSD and issues with depression. However, I know that I am not a sociopath. I feel things. I love my children to distraction, and I love my friends and family. I do nice things for other people all the time that do not benfit me. I am not evil, but I still have his voice in my head telling me that I am terrible. I am trying not to replay his words but they won't stop. All I really remember is him saying I am so awful he doesn't even know if I have a soul at all. 

I find it so hard to believe that he is truly an empty shell- that he really didn't feel those feelings that I thought he had for me. That is heartbreaking. I love him to distraction. I think he is the most intelligent, interesting, attractive man I have ever met. I am not stupid. I have a PhD in a scientific field. I have a respected career. Why is this happening to me? I am trying to hold it together but it is extremely, extremely difficult not to crash and burn and spiral into depression yet again. I cannot live through this anymore. I can't do it again. There won't be any of my heart left if it continues being smashed this way. I feel like I have lived in a war zone for years. Please God make it stop.