It's been a while since I posted here.  Looking at the blogs it seems no one comes here anyway for a few years.  I just needed to journal and my other sites were down, so I'm here.  I don't expect anyone to read this, this is more for me, but if somehow fate finds someone reading this I hope you can relate, well maybe I don't.  I don't wish this on anyone.

Track down earlier posts, you'll find my husband is diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  Top it off, he's taken to drinking, or maladaptive coping as the therapists tell us.  He's on medication for the depression and anxiety.  This lowers his sexual desires to the point were I don't even remember how many years it's been since we've had sex.

I've mostly journaled about his alcholism.  Right now he's numbing the pain because his mother is dying.  She's been diagnosed with terminal cancer that wasn't caught in time.  The day before Xmas eve he got the phone call that all treatment will stop and now she'll move on to hospice and just be made comfortable.  No one can give you a time of how long your loved one has, could be a week, could be a month.  But of course, he's acting like she's dropping dead today.  

I feel guilty.  I've been nothing but supportive.  But now I'm feeling selfish and I want to vent.  My logical mind knows he's grieving and his added issues only make the situation worse.  I just want to rant and rave and yell.  So, here I am.

It's 5:33 p.m. on Christmas.  He's been drinking all day and keeps laying down for naps.  We're in our 50's and my family has gotten so big that cousins have kids and everyone has to split the holidays up.  So no more big family Christmas Eve dinner with 40 people laughing and having fun.  I work in retail, so that makes the holidays even harder to enjoy and with his mom in the hospital, and his mood in general, I barely had motivation to decorate.  I got the tree up and it wasn't until last week that it was finally decorated.  

I wrapped presents for him this morning and there still sitting on the table, unopened.  He doesn't want to open them till he's wrapped mine.  He's had all day, hell he could just put it in a bag and be done.  So another tradition gone to the wayside.

He's supposed to make dinner.  He catered it, but still has to prep it.  He has done the prep but the meat is sitting seasoned all ready to go.  He's laying down.  I'm wondering if we're even going to eat?  I joked about McDonalds but it may be a reality.  Yes I know I could cook dinner, but I don't know how to cook what he's got prepared.  I should have had a back up plan.  Either that or we'll be eating late tonight, I could pretend i'm in Europe.  lol I wrote lol but I'm not feeling it.

I can't even get involved in my own things because then he gets needy and wants me to devote my attention to him.  I'm reading all these things on line, just accept your sadness and find some joy.  Every time I do he's like Godzilla who stomps on it.  

If he wants to sulk and stay isolated that's fine, but then leave me alone.  At least it can be a normal day off for me.  And that's part of the grief this year.  I have to let go of all those traditions we had.  Christmas is changing.  Our therapist says that we have to make our own tradtions our own "new norms."  What if your partner doesn't want to?  

I've let myself go.  I'm overweight from stress eating and comfort food.  I'm praying I'll have the strength to start to diet after the holidays again, this just sucks.  I can't concentrate on anything because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Why me?  I've always been kind.  The good guy, the quiet shy guy.  Good grades, good manners.  Didn't smoke didn't have crazy wild sex.  Now I wish I did.  I wish I was wild as a teenager.  I met my husband in our 30's.  We were older, thought we knew what we wanted.  I feel like I was sold a lemon.  Like everyone else, started out great, good times, good memories and then the world smacked me in the face.  

I've been here, been supportive.  Took him to meetings, got him help.  But he always holds the cards.  He always is the one that controls everything.  Sometimes not in the way you think.  But I have to work around his moods, he can go from not even bothering to talk to me all day to being a needy child.  It's not fair.

Meanwhile he keeps saying how it's not fair his mother is dying on Christmas.  Well, first of all, she's not dead yet, so stop acting like she is.  He wants to be absolved of all guilt for not going to see her.  I'm tired of holding his hand and telling him it's okay to stay home.  

When he gets up he's going to make me sit with him and watch something on tv.  There's nothing I want to watch.  I'd like a nice dinner, maybe watch him open his gifts, (I don't even want anything), and just relax.   

What happens when the strong person has given their all, when they can't be strong anymore?  No one cares about them.  I know I'm having a pity party and I don't care.  I feel all alone.  He's isolated us, we lost friendships along the way because of his actions, we have no kids nor will we so is this what our "golden years" are gonna be like to?  Man, what did I do in a previous life to deserve this.  

Okay, rant over.  5:50 p.m.  Merry Christmas I hope you find peace and some joy this holiday.