First time post here.  My husband suffers from depression and axiety.  We've been together for 12 years.  I never knew, I just knew he had quirks (everyone does).  Turns out he was the victim of an abusive father (mental abuse mostly, some violence and not sexual).  We've been dealing with his depression for about 3 or 4 years now.  We have had highs and lows.  We go to couples therapy weekly and he's got his own therapist as well for his depression.  He's also on meds.  We go through good patches.  In the begining I was foolish enough to believe we had "conquered" it, then when the lows hit I've been on guard ever since.  Now I just try to enjoy the good patches as long as they last and try to be supportive when the dark patches hit.  Last year he also began drinking to the point of excess.  He went away to get clean and sober for a month in another state and that seemed to help and then he returned to his normal routine of meds and therapy.  He never did go to AA meetings or get a sponser.  Things have been okay, but now suddenly he's started drinking again.  We try to keep the lines of communication going, but tonight he's pretty much told me he just started again because he wanted to and he doesn't have any plans to try and stop again.  It's like he's saying, "Sorry but it is what it is and deal with it."  He didn't come out and say that but thats how I feel.  We're going to therapy on Wednesday and of course I'll bring all this up but I can tell he's not going to care.  In fact he said, "No point in answering any of your questions, you're just going to bring it up Wednesday."  So as I write this he's out in his office playing computer games and drinking.  Last night he drank to excess and our new dog got out of the yard.  Of course he blamed himself and cried about it.  We managed to get the dog back after a frantic half hour and then all night he blamed himself and kept mumbling how it's all his fault, he screws everything up, etc.  The dog getting out was an accident, the only fault is that he was supposed to secure the fence around the yard the day we brought the dog home.  He never did (why bother when you're drinking).  We've had the dog for a week and this is the first time it happened.  So maybe he takes some of the blame, but all ended okay.  Today we went to the movies and had a great time.  One of those dine in places.  We ate and we laughed and enjoyed the afternoon.  Everything was great.  Then he came home to build a bookcase and when that was done, he started drinking.  We talked about it and that's when the conversation went as I described above.  I've been very supportive.  The first year I went through those nights when he ran away to calm down and I didn't know where he'd end up.  There were other days when I'd go to work only to dread coming home wondering if today was they day he killed himself.  We lost friends along the way due to this, (even though now I know they weren't really friends but you get the idea).  And now that he drinks all I think of is, "Please, can he pass out early so I know he's safe."  He's never been voilent with me or hit me (I'd hit back and have him arrested), so I don't worry about that.  I just love the damn fool and want him to be safe.  I've done everything right and I've learned that I can't fix this and it's a process.  I really understand all that.  But now what?  Now we're at a standstill.  I don't want to go to therapy every week and just complain about his drinking.  We're trying to move forward in the relationship, but now that he's drinking again what's the point?  He's not going to have anything to say except, "He's right.  It's all on me, it's my problem."  Sometimes with his depression he also just decides he wants to leave.  That it would be better if he deals with this all on his own.  Yeah right, he couldn't deal with it on his own all his life what makes him think he can now?  Of course now I've got a new dog plus our old one.  Just pick up and leave.  Great.  Thanks for nothing.  I'm hurt.  In therapy we learned each other's triggers.  I know what can set him off and I avoid it.  One of my triggers is the drinking.  He acts like my dad did.  Granted I didn't suffer the abuse of a drunk father but when dad had a few too many he thought he was cute and funny and he was just stupid.  It annoyed me and then I see my husband do the same.  So I can't set him off but the drinking bothers me and my husband acts like he doesn't care.  I understand that with depression it's not personal.  He's not even thinking of me, it's all on him.  But I'm tired.  I do what I can as best I can, and he thinks nothing of just throwing everything away.  I'm also tired of this being "his show."  Everything now revolves around him and his depression.  I feel like I can't yell or get angry because I might set him off, I can't break down because I have a job and my mother (who's just had a stroke) and the pets to take care of as well.  When do I get to check out?  When do I get to not worry about anything for a bit?  And I know that depression does things to people makes it harder for them to see the joy in life.  Sad thing is our life is really good.  Nice house, nice place we live in, not rich but don't have money problems and take some great vacations.  Even through all this past few years I still remember the good times fondly, but he only sees the bad times.  It's so frustrating.  There's a lot of great stuff ahead but this horrible disease warps people.  I hate it.  I wish no one had to deal with it, it sucks.  I don't sleep well anymore and I gain weight (I don't blame him but I know it's just stress eating and now the few things that gives me any comfort).  We haven't had sex in years and that was something we were working on in therapy too but now that's not going to go anywhere.  So now what?  Where do we go from here?  I hate feeling helpless.  Can a person really be angry, upset, want to cry all at the same time?  It's tough being the strong one.  As you can see I ranted a bit, I needed to vent.  Family and some friends and co-workers know but I needed to let others who understand know.  If you're reading this you're not alone and please keep good thoughs for me and him.  Let's hope this is another dark patch we can eventually get through.