I totally understand! I tried to kill myself twice in college. I was then peer pressured into a lot of treatments that didn't work. After a while people mad me feel like I was being selfish for wanting to die. It's been 10 years and I still struggle with depression and I still want to die. I can't believe I've lasted 10 years. But they've been hell and I've sunk deeper into failure and worthlessness than before. I actually regret not succeeding. But it hurt so bad when I tried I'm scared of the pain if I fail again.

Sorry I don't have anything positive to say. The truth is, it's going to hurt you or them. You to stay alive. Them if you don't. I felt guilty for possibly traumatizing my younger siblings. But they're all adults now. So I don't have them as an excuse anymore.

See I have no doubt I'll succeed that's the reason I probably don't try. I don't actually worry about hurting others because I believe that at least my emotional pain will be gone. That's selfish but it's also philosophically sound. My life will cease to exist. I've gotten numb to that fact and my family is so angry all the time with my angry spouse and her violent outbursts that I've stopped seeing them as people who are close. I just see the world as a pain dump. I see multitudes of people building cases of fault against each other and blaming each other for problems or to convince them to do work for them or buy something. And if I take my own life I can leave this. I am positive of God's existence and I am simply ready to leave this world because it is torture to be here amidst all of this misanthropy against our fellow men and women. I also feel like I matter to a few but in 1000 years will not even be a blip on the world. I absolutely struggle with depression but lately aha accepted that it's part of me and part of my pain and my life is just a suffer pit.