I joined because I need all the support I can get and the camaraderie of other mothers who understand the horror of life now.  It's been nine years, four months and twelve days.  I've traveled to Europe five times; I've learned to ride a horse; taken two long cruises; published a book; seen psychiatrists and therapists; tried multiple medications.  Nothing worked.  I can't think straight, I can't interact with other people who have normal lives without anger and resentment (I just don't want to be with them).  I can't sleep without disturbing dreams; I have episodes of panic where it feels as if something has been ripped from my body (because it has been).  I've lost my faith (I'm stunned by this, I never thought this would ever happen!)  I'm terrified.  I blame myself when I was the one who gave her the happiest of childhoods, when she knew how loved she was, when I did everything to fight that damn illness, everything.  I still blame myself, I can't stop, it's complete torture.  I miss her desperately.  I have no friends, couldn't do it, had no time, we moved here in 2003 and she needed me 24/7.  I have no family.  I'm getting old and I'm doing it alone.  I am so very angry.  I am so totally destroyed.  I don't know what to do.