I can't do this any more.  I can't go past the 10 year anniversary.  My life has been destroyed.  I am totally alone, there is literally not one living person in this world at all, literally not one.  I've spent the past ten years trying, travelling, learned to ride a horse, published a book, therapy ongoing and have tried multiple medications none of which I can take.  There's nowhere left to go.  There's nothing left to do.  Everything I try turns to crap, everything.

I lost my dog last January and in August I adopted a cat.  The SPCA people practically forced this cat on me.  I've spent five months trying to get this animal to be a companion and it's never going to work, she was not properly socialized in her early life as a kitten and she is not a companion.  So I'm living in a concrete box isolated from the damn world with an animal that comes over to me when she wants to be fed, period.

My daughter's father stopped talking to me years ago because I blamed him for what happened to my daughter, and he is to blame.  I wrote about it on FB and someone he knows read it, don't ask me how that happened.  He lives in a giant beautiful house surrounded by people, this despicable man who treated me like a rabid dog when I was pregnant and did neuro-psychiatric damage to my unborn child.  He's loved and adored, this narcissist pig who was with his grandchildren 150 miles away on my daughter's last Christmas day because he hated both of us, wanted us both dead.

And we should have been.  We both should have died the day she was born.  It was miraculous actually.  And it was a mistake.

There's nothing to look forward to but getting older and I'm old enough now; nothing but sickness, disability, and maybe even some nursing home because there's no one to do a thing for me and if I can't, then what.  My life wasn't supposed to turn out this way.  I tried so very hard in my life to improve myself as a functioning woman, owned two of my own homes, carefully and meticulously raised a daughter, I did everything right and it's all gone, just gone.  And it's never coming back.  My life is gone.