I just found this website and saw your post. We lost our son to sids on October 30th. We’re totally devastated as well. My wife is feeling the exact same way you are and it’s hard for me to find the words. Our son was almost 5 months and we have a 23 month old as well. It’s the most difficult and painful thing anyone could go through. We go through thoughts of him, how he would grow, our other son and how good of friends they would be, my wife was breadtfeeding and now Is dealings with having to pump, i think about all the thins i would have taught him. His baptism was on the Saturday before the Monday when t would have happened. Timing is crazy. I️ guess I️ just wanted you to know that there are others out there feeling the same thing.

I am so sorry you had to find this forum and my post. We both have suffered the greatest loss anyone can endure. It's been a little over 3 weeks since I lost my son and most days it feels like it's getting harder, not easier. I miss my son so very much and everything in my being longs for him. After everything that happened, I did not want an autopsy done on him but I was told that with infants they usually do one even if I signed a waiver. I didn't want them cutting him open after all the damage that was already done by life saving measures in the 2 hospitals we were at. At the first hospital they were able to get his heart beating again and transferred us to a children's hospital who was more equipped. Long story short, it had been too long that he was down and I'm sure the cpr damaged his body. His little body was struggling and in the end we made the decision to take him off life support. He took his last breaths in my arms. I will never forget the sound. My sweet little boy. Truth be told I am haunted by everything I saw. I lost him twice. First when we found him and again at the hospital. They ended up doing an autopsy and I still have not heard back. Actually, I haven't called the ME. I was told that when they finalize a conclusion the death certificate would be released and we would be notified by the funeral home when we can pick it up from them. They had no initial findings and I heard it can take months before they declare a cause (or no cause for that matter). It had been only an hour between when I last nursed him and when my fiancé found him not breathing. I keep telling myself what if I had stayed up longer, what if my fiancé had woken up from sleeping in the living room and came into the bedroom sooner. I know it's all hindsight but I can't help to wonder if we had done things different....that my son would be here. Maybe not but there's always some guilt I will carry forever. I also feel I should have stopped them from trying to save him but at the time I wanted nothing more but to have my son back. I just can't help to feel so much more guilt after all the trauma they put his body through. To see him bleed broke my heart even more if that's even possible. I have flashbacks all the time of the horrible things I saw. I remember watching one lady doing cpr and thinking it was too hard, too much for his little body. The anxiety is all too much sometimes. I think if it wasn't for my 5 year old daughter, I would not be here today. I only keep going for the sake of her.

I feel for your wife on having to stop her milk production. It's insult to injury and she will endure physical pain on top of emotional. I was engorged for about a week and a half. I only pumped enough to relieve the pain which was about 2 ounces from each side. She has to let her body know that the milk is no longer needed so let her know not to pump until she is empty as hard as that is. As the days go by her body will slow on its production. It took about 2 weeks then I started getting lumps in my breast which may have been clogged milk ducts. It was uncomfortable and I hand expressed just enough to relieve the pain and within a few days it went away. I'm so sorry she has to go through what I went through with this as well. I loved nursing my son. He never took to bottles very well and I know he loved nursing from me and the closeness we shared. It was the one thing I felt proud to have been able to provide him as a lot of mothers are not able to breastfeed.

I have checked here every day and had no replies. Makes you feel more alone when it seems this forum was active years ago but not anymore. Like we have to endure this tragic thing that has happened to us alone. You hear about things life this happened but it always happens to "other people". Never in my wildest dreams did I think anything like this would happen. I wish it was me who died instead. My son deserved to grow up, play with his sister, make mistakes, be a boy. I will miss him and long for him until the day I die when I can be with him again. When I held him in my arms I told him to come and get mommy when it's my time. I know I have to keep going for my daughter but a part of me died with my son and I so badly want that piece back. I want my son back. Thank you for reaching out to me and I am here for both you and your wife if you want to talk. Again, I am so sorry you had to find me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't get on here much anymore but check in every so often. This group was very active back when I first found this website. My 5 month old daughter passed away from SIDS in May 2009. I can honestly say it is the worst thing any parent can experience. With time, it does get better but there will always be a little piece of us missing. My life changed completely when Kaitlyn passed. I don't see things the same way anymore. If it hadn't been for my 3 yr old at the time, I'm not sure where I would be today. I had to keep going for him. We were in the hospital for 2-3 days. They got her heart started but she never took another breath on her own. She was also transferred to a children's hospital and they did 24 hours of testing but there was no brain activity so we made the decision to let her go. We were able to donate her organs which kind of helps too. We went to some support group meetings and i did grief counseling. I also read the SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide. It helps to talk to others who have been through this living hell. We will always wonder what she would be like if she were still here with us. It will get better, just give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you for replying and I am also very sorry for your loss. I don't know how I survive each passing day but I get up for my 5 year old. I watch the sunrise in the morning before I wake her up for school and it saddens me that yet another day has gone and another started where I am without my son. The world just passes me by. People walking around, driving around, going about their lives while I am stagnant suffering such a huge loss. I haven't gone back to work yet and honestly I know I'll never be ready but I have to go back. A big part of me does not want to because I feel like I am moving on with my life without my son and I will never "move on" and never be ok with him not being here. My world has stopped and I want the rest of it to stop as well. Don't they know something is missing? Don't they know this sweet little boy isn't here anymore? It's such an immense pain and only ones who have walked the exact same path can understand. I miss my son so very much. The tears aren't enough to express it. I still can't believe he's not here. It only happens to "other people" you know? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think this would happen. You worry about everything else...them eating enough, making enough milk, gaining enough weight, making sure they are well rested, diaper rash, making sure they're secured into their car seat correctly, going to the store on diaper runs. You never think one random day your baby, your BABY, is going to die for no apparent reason. It's just unbelievable and I can't even comprehend how this is even a possibility. But....it is. We are here because the unbelievable has happened.

I just joined this group today..... I lost my son Friday night... he was 5 weeks old... this is the worst pain I have ever felt.... people keep saying “I’m sorry” to me and all I want to say is “stop saying you are sorry, you have no idea what I’m going through!” Reading your stories on here my situation was similar. My husband found my son not breathing it took over an hour and 20 mins to get his heart to start beating again. He was connected to so many machines and had so many puncture holes from them trying to find a vein in his little body..... worst thing I’ve ever seen. The drs said he has absolutely no brain activity..... all I wanted to do was hold my baby.... we also made the decision to withdraw care.... NOONE should ever have to make a choice like that. I have a 2 year old also and he has no idea what’s going on but without him I don’t think I could go on. All of the questions and second guessing everything I did before we found him....could I have done anything different? If I would have just held him and never let him out of my arms...I’m also breastfeeding and it’s like another stab to the gut from knowing I’ll never get to feed my baby again.... that was such a strong bond that I absolutely LOVED. I would give anything to hold and feed him one last time.... to look into his eyes and know that we share such an unbreakable bond.... everything I do I feel guilty for doing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I feel so guilty if I’m tempted to smile about anything... I just want him back.....

Hello, my little boy Finn passed away from SIDS just over a week ago and after having a bad evening yearning for him I decided to take to the internet and came across this thread. So much of what I'm reading here resonates with me. I myself am a single Mam and Finn was my only child, I feel utterly alone despite the great support from friends and family. I was breast feeding for five and a half months and long to have him back in my arms. I'm angry that this has happened to me but no where to attriubte blame to. I don't understand how my baby could go to sleep one night and not wake up. From your comments I notice similar objectives to my own, of wanting to connect with others that understand some of what they are going through and perhaps learn from people who are living with this and if they might have any words of wisdom to pass on to us who have gone through it recently. I'm not sure how to go on without him in my life, he was my every moment of every day for the past 6 months and dont know gow to fill that massive void in my life. Any advice would be appreciated!!

I don’t even know where to start. I Will begin by stating that I am hesitant and scared of a SIDS support group. I decide to take a look at it and broke down upon reading your post ( my first SIDS post ever read ) my 2 and a half month old left this word the SAME EXACT date 10/14/2017. I am full of emotions and lost of words. I don’t want to say “sorry for your loss” because I myself hate hearing that ! For the 1 st moth after the finding my son I was in shock and I couldn’t believe it . If it wasn’t for my 2 yr old I don’t know where I would be .

I am absolutely taken back that both our babies left this earth on the same day. I still struggle every day without my son and I still long for him so very much. Along with you, if it wasn’t for my older child, I really don’t think I would be here today. She needed me to go on for her and get up every day and that’s the only reason I did. Words cannot express how much I miss my sweet baby boy. Looking at his pictures makes me so sad. I wonder about the boy he would be today, the milestones that should have been. In my heart he will always be 3.5 months old even though if he were here today, he would be 8.5 months old. I still can’t believe I will have to live the rest of my life without him. The thought is so overwhelming that I will carry this pain until the day I die.

I struggle everyday , the pain, the guilt and the emptiness . I look at his pictures and videos and I can’t believe it . I pray that I can at least dream him or feel him . My son will spontaneously say His little brother’s name and I just don’t know how to react when internally am broken dying . I go to therapy but honestly I don’t feel I get much healing form it besides getting out drained and exhausted from crying. But I take it a day at a time and focus of my son .

I am just of disbelief that hour boys both left this world on the same day and are about the same age . I had a typo on my previous post my son left at 3.5 months as well . He was born on July. And like I mentioned before I don’t know what to make of such coincidence from our boys . Specially since your post was the 1st post I read apon my initial search.

I have not been able to watch the videos I have of my son. To see him ALIVE and happy, I know will hurt so much. I was seeing a psychologist for a bit but stopped going. She gave me a safe place to talk and cry but it wasn’t enough. I told her from the very first session that I didn’t think she could help me but I needed to seek help for then sake of my family. I had thoughts of suicide and I know I needed to do everything I could to keep going on for my daughter.

I, too, am in disbelief. It’s crazy how the first post you read, you found me. We will never understand why the universe leads us in certain directions but maybe we were meant to find each other for some reason. Maybe it’s so we both feel less alone in this horrible world of grief and sorrow in which we live now.

My daughter will draw pictures of her baby brother and speaks his name often. I am just so hurt for her. They had just started to build their relationship when he passed. She loved showing him all her stuffed animals and he would always smile at her in amusement. I’m so hurt for her that she has had to experience loss so early in her life. I am glad she still remembers her baby brother but I wish they had so much more together...the chance to grow up together. She says she is waiting for him to come back and I told her I wish it were that easy. I would give my life in a heartbeat to have my son back so that he may grow up and live a long, full life.

More than anyone I understand you ! And there’s nothing I can do or say that would ease anything at all beside our little ones. I seeked a psychic medium in my desperation for answers but I didn’t get the answers I was looking for and it wasn’t what I was hoping for . Or at least I guess it wasn’t the right time .
Our young ones need us and deserve us to be fully present for them although it’s nearly impossible .
A pediatric psychologist advice me that when my son asks for his brother or days his name to validate to him that I miss him and that he’s not here anymore but that one day we will see him again

My son Evan died almost a year ago at 2 1/2 months. My wife and I are still destroyed but trying to go on. We’ve recently decided to try and have another baby, but the more I read about siblings of SIDS victims having a four times risk of SIDS makes me not want to roll the dice. We have a daughter who’s 2 1/2 years old now, and from the night after we lost Evan till tonight I have been using the baby monitor just to give myself some comfort (although from what I read monitors will not alert you in time - and even if you could be alerted you can’t prevent SIDS from happening if it’s going to). I check on her 5 or more times a night and can’t go to sleep without confirming I see her breathing.
We had a complete genome sequence done by the leading geneticist at Children’s Hospital to rule out hereditary genetic issues that could have caused this and everything came out negative. We want another baby so bad, but I am terrified of a repeat nightmare. What’s more, I was a devout Catholic before we lost Evan but my faith is hanging by a thread. I’ve lost parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles but losing my child has rocked everything I have spent my life believing. My wife who’s faith has always been a bit shaky now likens prayer to throwing a penny in a wishing well.
Anyone else struggling with the decision of whether or not to try again?

Hi, I haven't been on here for a few years. My son passed away at 4 months on Oct/2007. We decided to have another baby in 2009 and she's now 8 and doing great. There has been Many wonderful mom's that I have met on here during my difficult times and most of them also had their rainbow babies who are all doing great. Please don't give up hope. Hang in there. We are forever marked with our babies memories and they are never forgotten, but the unbearable pain of their loss will ease little by little through time. Always remember that it's not our fault or anyone else's that our babies are not still with us. Always show love to the ones we love, hug and kiss them and tell them how much you love them. I also lost my father in 2009 and I just lost my mom in 2017 to cancer. Life is precious, always remember to make the most of it. hugs to all!