It's different for everyone. If that is how you feel, then you should do it. For myself, I turned 40, 1 month after Sean died. He died in June and we started trying in August. I got pregnant in November and am currently 16 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I want to say only within the last 2 months have I really began to enjoy this pregnancy. The first 2 months I had such a wide range of emotions. Being pregnant after losing a child brings on a whole new set of emotions. I'll be praying for you and your rainbow if you decide to start soon. Elijah wants you to be happy! Big hugs!

It is different for everyone, and you will know what is right for you..you sound like your ready. I threw my pills away the day Ari died, I didn't want to replace her, but I wanted the joy and happiness a baby brings to our lives. Lucky for me it took us 7 months of ttc to finally get pregnant, at the time I was getting so upset because we never had a problem getting prego, but I think Ari knew that in the months leading up to getting pregnant that I was not emotionally ready. And when I was she hand selected a perfect little brother to add to our family. Let me know when you send you the baby dust sweetie.

I wanted a baby right away, too. My arms just felt empty. We got pregnant two months later.

Anyway, it's been a really difficult pregnancy to say the least. I feel sooo guilty all of the time. I cried and cried because I wanted to get pregnant again and now I cry because I AM pregnant. I feel like I have been a horrible mother to my 4 year old. Last year, when I was pregnant, I was on bedrest for most of the time. I was also in and out of the hospital a lot, sometimes spending weeks away. Then I had Toby and developed PTSD from the birth. (It was premature and really traumatic.) My doctors prescribed zoloft and klonopin that basically left me useless and zombified. A few weeks later, Toby died and then I was a REAL mess. Two months later I got pregnant and while I thought the last one was bad, this one is far worse. So basically I feel like my son hasn't had a mother in over a year.

My friends tell me that things will be "so much better" when I have this baby. In some ways they will. The problems that have been brought on by the pregnancy will be over. But then new problems will arise. I sat up in bed last night crying because I honestly can't imagine how we will sleep in our house once an infant comes. The fear is crippling. panic attacks are part of my daily routine and when the hyperemesis was at its worst at around 14 weeks i actualyl contemplated suicide because I couldn't handle the thought of having an infant in the house again. I know now that the dehydration and malnutrition had a lot to do with this, but part of it was my fear, too.

it's not just me, either. Already, I wake up several times a night to feel my husband checking my pulse. Our son sometimes stops breathing in his sleep due to obstructive sleep apnea and I have woken up to the sounds of my husband screaming and shaking him, trying to get him to wake up. Most of the time, he IS awake and my husband just can't see it through his fear. He doesn't sleep much anyway. He stays up until all hours of the night, sometimes only sleeping 2-3 hours at most. I think he is punishing himself. The other afternoon I was taking a nap and I woke up to the feeling of my husband's fingers on my neck, checking for a pulse. I was halfway between sleep and awake and couldn't get awake enough to talk to him. What I DID hear, though, was my son asking him, "Did she die?" He is 4.

That's another can of worms. People ask if he is excited about a new baby sister. No, he is not. To him, a baby means death, screaming, and ambulances. He tells me things like, "I tried to make Toby bigger and grow up but I couldn't." Or asks, "How long will this baby live?" I tell him that not all babies die but he always responds with, "But some do." And I can't argue with that.

I am sorry this is so long. These are things that I did not think about when I wanted to get pregnant. In a way, I'm glad that I didn't. If I had, I probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant again. :-) On most days, I am very glad to be having this baby. The fear right now is overwhelming, though, and I never thought about how it would affect us once the reality set in. (And I know that a LOT of this has to do with me being sick and the PTSD.) I will definitely need to be medicated when I have this one. Her name is Iris, by the way, after the singer Iris Dement. One of the reasons that they think I got PTSD to start with was because my body was so broken down that when combined with the trauma of the birth I just shut down and couldn't cope, partly from exhaustion. And this pregnancy is a LOT worse. Sometimes, it's hard to find "me" in all of this.

But, errr...I guess the short answer is two months. And Iris is due on Toby's birthday.

BP, you have your work cut out for you! Can relate to many of your comments... And yes for my 4 yo, babies = death. Luckily (though it creates other issues...) a neighbour is having a baby later this year.

As for when to start, no answer to that except what the girls have already shared wisely. We just started now, 7 months after Micah's death. If I could be guaranteed a baby in my belly in a year, I would take it. But I'm 35 and don't feel I can't wait. Maybe it will not happen for a year which will partly have me in a panic and partly be okay.

I say go for it and enjoy the process! What you seem to be stumbling onto is the guilt associated with one of the hardest realizations from the loss of a child .. life does go on and there is still beauty in it. It seems clear that you aren't trying to replace your Elijah since 1) this was planned long beforehand and 2) if you're asking the question, it's not likely a problem. It will be tough. It will be emotional, but you'll be fine. I know Willow and I talked about trying to get pregnant again within the first week (not seriously, just discussing when), had sex within the first week (I'll let her discuss the emotions involved in that), and were seriously discussing when to try in ernest within two to three weeks. Yes, there was associated guilt, but we knew that our feelings were looking forward and not behind.

Virgomoon (my fiance) pretty much summed it up. We had always planned on having kids back to back waiting about 3 months between children (or how ever long it took to get the weight off.) After Deacon passed away we never really made a decision to start trying or to not try we just let nature take its course knowing that I was likely to get pregnant soon. I think the way we did it turned out for the better because I didn't have the added stress of trying and failing and than believing that there was something wrong or I didn't deserve another child or something. I was a little stressed through out the beginning of the pregnancy but that calmed down after a few months. I never had any major break downs or anything. Mostly I was still sad about the loss of Deacon. I got pregnant 2 1/2 months after he passed away (3 months after he was born.) Currently I am 30 weeks pregnant and I am due 2 days before Deacons 1st birthday. The only big stress for me was the gender of the baby because I know that boys have a higher risk of SIDS. I lost a boy and I was really hoping that this one would be a girl so it would be different. I am happy to say that I am having a baby boy and his name will be Nicholas Robert. I did cry a little the day I found out it was a boy but I was feeling much better the following day. I wish you all the luck in the world. I know only you can really decide when your ready. Personally I think if your asking about it your head is already on the right track and you should go for it. Good luck with your rainbow baby.

My best advice on trying to concieve is do not try!!!! Enjoy your partner and just let it happen when it does. I know it is easier said then done because I know you are aching for that new joy. I think this is one of the answers that is different for everyone. Nick was supposed to have been our last baby, the final piece to make us complete. When we lost him, I was completely against the idea of another baby (at first). I have since had 2. I do not regret any of it. The only thing I can say is try as you can to get your head in a kind of okay place first. If you can get out of bed for the most part, resume activities such as eating and sleeping to some extent....go for it. If you are not able to take care of the basics to sustain you, it is going to be very hard to take care of a future pregnancy. Sweety good luck with whatever you decide, you aren't alone, you have us....follow your heart.

I agree. I know this might be TMI, but sex is very, very painful for me and not a pleasant experience. It's not something we do often. I actually had a hysterectomy scheduled that would help the problem but when Toby died I canceled it. We tried planning intercourse around my ovulation time but I think the pressure of conceiving, combined with the physical pain, actually hurt us. Finally, we just relaxed and were more casual about it. I went through 3 cycles and then we conceived. It was really kind of weird because we had tried for 3 years to get pregnant with Toby and for several years to get pregnant with our first son and then with this one...almost right away.

Thank you all for your advice, personal experiences and support. Me and my husband have been having sex, at first feeling guilty the first week like we were doing something wrong, but now its changed to us just being intimate without the guilt. We havent been preventing pregnancy but I only have one fallopian tube because I had an ectopic pregnancy before Elijah was conceived which makes getting pregnant a bit harder or may take longer then the average 27 year old. Also I was exclusively breastfeeding Elijah before he passed so I know it can take a long time before my cycle comes back to even have the chance to get pregnant. We are thinking about just letting nature take its course and not "try" I just am scarred this is gonna happen again seeing all three of my boys have been preemies and all boys. I dont think I could go through this again but at the same time feel even if I get a short time with my child is a blessing and better then no time at all. Just very conflicting feeling I guess.

I am slowly getting back into my routine in life...I see it as my only option is to move forward and I know thats what Elijah would want. I have two other boys who need me so they have been my strength. My oldest is 10 and has cerebral palsy and is my angel here on earth. He is so positive even in such a horrible situation. He has told me not to cry for Elijah because he is with God and happy but he knows I'm sad because I miss him. He is always telling me Elijah is still here with us in our hearts and he will never be gone.

My other son is 4 so I hope he doesnt think babies=death but IDK. He talks about Elijah a lot too and has so many questions and Im doing really well with talking to him about it. I know I also need to think about how my boys will feel about another baby and I know my oldest would be excited but my 4 yo Im not too sure. Theres so much to take into consideration.

There is a lot to think about, even if the tragedy hadn't happened. We were not going to have another child but somehow once we'd had two we didn't feel like we could be complete as a single child family again. I got very sad when I found out that I was having a girl. It made me sad to think that I would never have a baby boy again. The statistics thing didn't have me rooting for a girl because I know just as may people who have lost girls as I do boys. But I really wanted a boy. Now, I am slowly warming up to the idea of a girl. When I'm not crazy with fear I am excited. :-)

Routine helped us, although since I run my own business my routine varies. The past 4 months have mostly been spent in bed or something similar (couch, floor, etc). It's been hard to establish any type of routine. I do try to plan fun things with my son, though. In two weeks if we get the okay from the doc we are going to the beach for a week. I can't do much while I'm there, but I can lay in the sand and build sandcastles and my son needs a break. It will be very difficult because my husband hasn't been able to stay away from home since Toby died. The one night we tried to get away he had a major panic attack and we had to check out of the hotel at 3:00 am. But we're going to give it a shot.

You just need to do what you think is right for yourself and your family. We are ttc at the moment and I am trying to be relaxed about it as possible. It took a while for Brian and I to be on the same page but like you I crave the joy that a new baby brings. I want to look forward to the future and I feel like a new baby will give me the ability to do so. I think we all feel that little bit of guilt but our angels would want us to be happy again. Good luck trying to decide.