Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Support Group

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is any sudden and unexplained death of an apparently healthy infant aged one month to one year. SIDS is responsible for roughly 50 deaths per 100,000 births in the US.

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Children's Physical Health
/ Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Support Group

I just dont know

AmyChumbler
AmyChumbler
Collin has been gone for 16 weeks on saturday. I cant belive its been four months already. I have been struggling here lately with my verbal expression. I just kind of pretend Im ok. I just kind of kid myself, I go to work everyday, so I feel like supressing my feelings about Collins death is kind of a coping mechanism to get through the week. Sometimes it feels easier to just act like I never had him. This is something new too. I dont want to look at his pictures or go in his room. It hurts so bad when I do. I used to do it all the time, now not so much. I am praying this stage will soon be over, I want to look at his pictures and think about him and how happy he made me, not for his memories and pictures break me into a million pieces all over again. His belongings and pictures used to bring me comfort, no they hurt me so deeply, Its like when I look at him and his stuff, He dies all over again. I know after he first passed I told my husband his room makes me feel like hes coming home soon, he only gone for a little while. After more weeks passed I realized I was just kidding myself, he wasnt coming home. I just feel so numb at times. Something I did not add about me and My Collin is that I have a nephew Daniel, who is three weeks younger than Collin. Daniels mom, my sister in law Sarah. We were due 1 day apart with our boys. I had Collin five weeks early. Sarah had daniel excatly 3 weeks earlier. Sarah and I have become very close in the last four months, but let me say it hasnt been an easy road. I didnt hold Daniel for almost a month after Collin died, I had decided I would never hold another baby b/c Collin was the last baby in my arms, I didnt want to "cover up" where Collin had been. I finally came to a crossroads, Is it Sarah or Daniels fault that Collin is dead...No Its not. I decided I loved Daniel and Sarah and needed to do it for myself. Trust me I still struggle with the jealousy that Sarah still has here baby. I pray that nothing ever happens to Daniel. I feel like I dont know what Im doing in more. How am I suppose to grow to be an old woman, God willing, and live with this. Collin being gone is with me every where I go, Its like a heavy coat I carry with me. Kind of scary to think about. I just miss him, i want to hold him and love on him and kiss him. Sometimes this feels so disorinting (sp) I want this to be over, but reality is, IT WILL NEVER BE OVER, just easier. I love God with all my heart, I thank Him everyday for the time I had with Collin. You know me being a Christian I know that when we are born we have a time to be born and a time to die, all set in place. It doesnt matter if it was for a couple of hours or 100 years, we all have an ordained time to go. Its just hard to accept that when Collin was born he had a time to go. I thank God for my Lord and Savior Jesus, I dont know where I would be right now. The only good thing about my low times, is when I cry out to God "Help me, rescue me, I cant do this....Instantly I can feel the weight lifted off of me" Feeling the lows remind im real, im human, and that Collin exsited, and I really am hurt and broken because he is gone. I love you guys. Please e praying for my strength, courage, peace, and comfort, please. Im a talker/writer, sorry its so long. I have decided I need an outlet......
deleted_user
deleted_user
I sure wish I lived close to you to give you a big HUG.....keep writing your feelings....it helps! And we are here to listen! The Mother of the baby girl I babysat for that died at my house, gave me a book to read after her Funeral. It is called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. It's at Wal-Mart or on Amazon. It's an easy reader too! I LOVED it & was soo blessed that the baby's Mother shared it with me.
Also, look up this song on youtube....it's called "Blessings" by Laura Story. It's an amazing song that helped me alot & dig deeper & find her story & why she wrote the song! Hope this helps....have a God Blessed Day!!
AmyChumbler
AmyChumbler
Thanks so much! God must really want me to read this book. Someone mentioned at Collin's funeral, My step dad bought it for me, A lady at church on Wed, night gave me a copy of, and now you are telling me to read it!!! Man I gues I need to listen to the hint. I read part of it after Collin passed, still being very hurt, bitter, shocked, mad, all I could think was "my baby didnt come back, why did theirs?" Very shallow but real, thats why I havent finished reading it. I think enough time has passed that I can read it and be ministered to by it! Thanks for writing. My husband even mentioned last night he wants us to start it together.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is a wonderful book. Our family was also given several copies after we lost Charlotte! Another one you might want to check out is "The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven" It's along the same lines as "Heaven Is For Real" and very powerful.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry for your loss. my little girl Anna died almost 15 months ago. Everything you describe is so normal. I remember feeling the sane wag as you around the 4 month mark. It's like all the numbness wears off and the reality that my baby had died and nothing I could do could change that. I used to give myself a bit of time each week to just look through her things and look at her pictures and just break my heart crying, Brian thought I was torturing myself but it's what I needed to do and slowly in time, my grief has changed and instead of looking at her pictures and belongings and breaking my heart for what I lost I look at them and I'm thankful for the time and memories I have. Your description of grief feeling like carrying a heavy coat is so right but you will find that some days carrying the load will be easier. Thinking of you and your angel. if you ever need to talk I'm here for you. x
AmyChumbler
AmyChumbler
thanks for the support, it means alot. Some days seem easy, some seem like I cant go on. But Im learning to use my lows to my benifet, in a way. God really touches me when Im so low. Last night I could close my eyes and almost feel Collin in my arms. One memory of mine is I was walking into his room holding him upright cheek to cheeck, He wrapped his arms around the back of my neck and I thought "it feels like hes hugging me" Last night I could almost make that memory come to life. I dont know how to decribe it, I just felt very close to him last night. I know he is with Jesus, more alive than I could ever understand, but I still want him here. I am amazed at the healing God has given me in these 4 months since his death. I mean john and I have never chased after God and the things of God so hard in our entire lives. I know because of my Collin's pupose for this earth mine has been forever changed. one day when I am fufilling my calling, I will be able to say God has brought me here and because of my son I found the dtertemantion to fight my way here! I know I am called to full time ministry, and so is my husband. God has shown and talked to me alot about my familys future. God has given me something to look foward to, my ministry and getting to go home someday! Praise God!!!! Anyways, its hard for me to stop talking once I get started talking about God! Not a bad thing but I imagine my veiws may not be the same as others! So blessed to have some God fearing support on this site!!! Love Yall!
Wyatt0712
Wyatt0712
I think we have all felt that way at one time or another. The continuos fill to leave things as they are so in the hope that you will somehow wake up and your baby is crying to be held or just wants your attention. Then the realization, not ever again here on earth. Our babies had purpose or they wouldnt have existed. Ive only now just began to understand God made no mistake when he put my son into my arms and no mistake was made when he took him away to his home up above. He fufilled my life in every way possible. He was Gods to begin with only a loan. It doesnt stop that every day that goes by I miss him with all my heart. How I wish he were here with me now. I was blessed the short time that I had spent with him. The memories made the kicks, and the famous cry that says mom I am here and alive. Ill never forget I cried immediate tears of joy the moment he was born and cried when he left and then did I mourn and My hearts desire will never leave how I wish he were here with me now. Not just in spirit. I longed for that baby. All I hoped for him is gone. But Ill never forget the special time that I had. How it saddens me how I wont ever see him take his first bites, crawl for the first time, hear his first words, or watch his first steps. Oh how my heart fills ripped into because he is not here. I have to force myself to realize he will never know pain and is already where we all long to be someday. One day soon in the future I will take that path he s already walked. Just maybe he will be there to guide and then we talk and fill in the blanks and he will show me around. Maybe we have all joined this group for a reason. To help one another in this time and season. They gave us each other to help along the way. Our journey is long we never wanted it this way. Id like to think our babies are all playing together while waiting for our time. It breaks my heart to each new mother that has to walk the path that we all are now taking. This is something that I believe A day can be a thousand yrs to the lord and a thousand yrs to a day. Hopefully when we are there our entire life will only be remembered as a day. Sending lots of love and huggs on all of your days good and bad
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are not alone in those feelings...we actually sold our house because we simply coudln't stand being there...we didn't go into her room but we certainly couldn't be the ones to change it. I actually don't believe much in regrets but I do regret that...I wish we would have waited a bit. However, I think it would be hard with our new rainbow in the same house. I also read that book...but I would not have been ready for a long time. I felt the same way...but their child came back. Now, once you read it, it will provide comfort but I felt exactly the same. You are a very strong woman to hold your nephew...it took me a looong time to hold a baby girl and I still get pains and sometimes cry...I'm just okay with it and figure anyone's baby I hold will be okay with it as well!