Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Support Group

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is any sudden and unexplained death of an apparently healthy infant aged one month to one year. SIDS is responsible for roughly 50 deaths per 100,000 births in the US.

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AmyChumbler 04/04/2012

Well here I am nearing Collins first birthday (June 21,2011) Cant believe so much time has passed, im kind of lost as to where it went. I have went through so many different stages through out this whole thing called grief. For the first several months after Collin passed away we had an amazing support system, mainly my sister in law Sarah. At the begining of the year sarah sent me an email while I was at work and said I just cant go to where you are going, in a sense knowing what was lying ahead. She further explained that she could no longer be by my side like she had been. Sarah would cry with me and really truly listened to me. Since then I have completly shut everyone out on my emotions towards Collins death, except for my husband. I was having a bad morning a few months ago so I decided to go to my moms before work, we work together. I came in crying and she asked whats wrong, thats when it hit me "Am i really at the place that no one knows whats wrong with me and has to ask me" before everyone just knew, you know? I immediatley shut off all emotion and said Im fine. So when I am around everyone I have alot of thoughts and things I would like to say about Collin and what I am going through, but I dont, I feel like they dont care, they are over it. Now no one has ever told me they dont care, its just the way I feel. This whole post was sparked by me leaving church early tonight. My nephew, Sarahs son, is three weeks younger than Collin. Sarah has another friend Tiffany that just had her baby a few months ago. She gets up as worship is sarting and leaves with Tiffany. The first thing I thought was "of course she doesnt want to sit or stay with you, you dont have a baby anymore and tiffany does." Sarah and I dont spend hardly anytime together anymore. It may just be jealousy. So John, my husband, can tell something is wrong and asks me to go outside so we can talk. So im crying and upset all over something so small that brought of all of the emotions of Collin dying and not being here. Has everyone really stoped caring about my pain and Collin being gone? I know its me just being me in a world of people who have no clue what I am going through, but it hurts feeling so alone. Please pray that God will continue to give me strength and courage and most of all forgive those who I feel have wronged me in some way. Just needed to talk to someone who understands my pain and sorrow. Thanks and again please pray for me and my family. Thanks

deleted_user 04/04/2012

Praying for you and for your family.
My in-laws stopped caring right after the funeral. My family still cares. I actually lost many friends because most of them gave us one year to grieve. After that year was up, they thought we should be fine.
It's hard. It hurts.

deleted_user 04/05/2012

I completely understand what your going through. I lost my son in May 2010 at 12 days old. It's the day and age of Facebook so everyone knew what had happened. I swear within 3 months it was like nothing happened. The only time it came up out side of my home was when I would talk to an old friend who I hadn't heard from since I was still prego. I had to update them that my grandma died in february, I had my son in May, He died 12 days later, oh and I'm pregnant again. That is one way to kill a phone conversation. I am now closing in on ^Deacons^ second birthday, May 5th, and my newest sons first birthday, May 6th. It feels as though no ones cares about his memory. While I am doing really good I still have bad days and when people ask me whats wrong I don't like I can say anything about it. I feel like I am expected to be over it. I still think about him daily and I still remember every holiday that I am missing a baby. I should be buying another easter basket and cute bunny outfit and I'm not. I have found that this group is great support though. I come back here any time I am having trouble coping with life with out one of my babies. I just wish there was some way to help them understand how hard this is on moms so we wouldn't feel so closed off and alone in the world. I have lost most of my friends because of this. I don't know if I expect to much from them or what but they have failed to live up to my expectations. If you are really my friend and love me enough to call my living children on their birthdays you would think you would call me to acknowledge my angel babies birthday. Anyway I'm rambling again counting down the last month until my babies 2nd birthday with out me. My 6 year old tells me it's ok because grammy is up in the sky taking care of him for us and that helps a lot.

deleted_user 04/06/2012

I lot of people seem to think it is best if you dont acknowledge your pain and the child you lostlike it is better for everyone to just move on. For me it is helpful to talk about Luke if it is relevant to my mood or conversation, in general (besides a couple of people all who have experience tragedy in their own lives) people will not bring him up. In the last month or two it has became easier for me to talk about him in everyday conversation. I have cared less if it makes others uncomfortable. We will never be over losing our children, and I think it is best for the people to come to terms with this, especially those we love. People need to overcome the awkwardness they feel. My mom was very close to Luke and it is hard for her to talk about him. She still has not looked at his web site, but I have been working on her slowly to talk to me more she says once she starts to talk about him it is easier. I think it gets easier every time as people get more use to the grief. Everyone has their own issues they have to deal with and I respect that on some levels but it has been 1 year and 5 months and Luke is constantly on my mind, trying to suppress that to those around me is not something I am goint to do.

Amy - I hope your sister in law matures a bit and is able to be there more for you. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

brandylee82 04/07/2012

I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm not sure that there is an exact time, but for me it seemed to be when I started feeling a little better. When I would go longer in between bad days. After Austin died, it seemed like my breaking point of the day was on my drive home from work. I would come in with tear soaked cheeks and blood shot eyes almost every day. Then after a while it was a couple times a week. Then at some point, I guess a couple of weeks must have gone by since I came home in tears. Well, I had a rough day, was missing Austin a lot and on my way home stopped at my mom's house. When I walked through the door in tears my Mom's comment was, "did something bad happen at work?" Really? I don't cry about it for a couple of weeks and I guess I'm over it. People just don't get it.

deleted_user 04/13/2012

There were people who interacted with me like that after 5 weeks! FIVE EFFING WEEKS! They just want it to be over. They don't want to be sad (as if we do?). My in laws and parents always talk about "the other stuff" in life....you know - work, our house remodel, my pregnancy....never the one thing that is most on our minds - MAX! I am sorry that you lost the support of your sister in law. I wish she had stuck by you. It is a lonely road for sure. I am sort of in the place now where the lack of support has me less lonely. I just got used to it but it still makes me mad.

deleted_user 04/29/2012

It really varies I think by the person. My MIL told me the DAY AFTER my daughter (who is her first grandchild, BTW) that I shouldn't cry, because what good we're tears? Since then she's softened up a little and gets a little emotional still. Our close friends are understanding and never tell us to get over it but after a couple months they all stopped Checking in on us for the most part. A couple other friends would still check in on us and just be there for us and i'd say that stopped after about five months. That said, I have a FB memorial page for Naima (my daughter) and people still periodically post to that (she passed away almost nine months ago). I think that's a better way for people to be supportive over the long termbe assume they can come and go as they please and when it gets too hard for them they just leave. I do appreciate people stopping by that page and posting. For example, on my daughter's first birthday about 30 friends posted birthday messages to her/us and they were all very sweet.

Overall though, I hate to say it but what your SIL said is true, they just can't go to where we are going. Even for the most understanding person, especially if they have been there for you a lot in the beginning, they cannot fathom the depth of our grief. Shoot, I don't want to fathom it but you and i unfortunately don't have that choice. I really believe that unless they have lost a child, the majority of people will never be able to understand this kind of loss. It's just too big and intense and deep.

If you can find a face to face support group for bereaved parents or parents who have lost a baby in your area that might be a good place to turn. When I am feeling especially isolated and lonely and crazy like no one understands I go to a support group and everyone there is saying and doing stuff that makes sense to me. Compassionate Friends is good (although the one I've gone to is mostly people who have lost adult children), they are also having a conference near LA in July. There is a pregnancy and infant loss support group in our area we go to sometimes too. It helps a lot.

Take care of yourself and I hope you can find support in new places. It's not the same as family/friends, but it can help. Sending you a big hug.

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