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So when we decided to move, a friend of mine's mom wanted to know if her daughter could move in with us. Before we even found a house. We looked for a house with enough space that she could move in with us. I of coure said yes to her mom's request.
Lefts talk about Jen, then.
Jen moved into the house in the end of July in order to find a job and start school in mid august. She is 26 years old and going for her Masters degree. There are only 3 schools in PA that offer a masters in Art Therapy, and one happens to be 20 mintues from where we live now.
She has never lived anywhere else than her mother's home. This is reasonable for her family, though to most people a 26 year old should be on their own. I was married, having a kid, had my masters, and running a farm at 26.
Her family is diffrent. They are Catholic, so they had a huge family and couldn't wait to have more. Mom, Dad, 3 boys, and Jen - who is the youngest. The lived near grandma and grandpa and helped run the family farm. One year it all started to go wrong. Grandpa died first. He was in his early 60s. Too young to die. Strapping healthy man. Then a few months later, they were swimming at a local creek, and one boy started to drown, and another jumped in to try to save him. They both drowned that day. then a few months later the dad was working on the family hot water heater and had a heart attack and died in the family home. Then a few months after that the oldest boy, who was hurting, was riding in a friend's car - playing chicken with coal trucks. only the driver of a car of 4 teenage boys died. in a little over a year there were no men left in the family. Just mom, Jen, and Grandma down the road.
Mom since went to school to be a crisis therapist. She does a great job. She wants to protect Jen, but she also wants her to live her own life, nad that's where I come in. Mom asked me to teach her how to adult and be more independant. Sure I can try.
Lets talk about the things she doesn't know - laundry, cleaning floors, dishes, shopping, budgetting, working, and most of all, that the world does not revolve around her - and that is probably the most difficult thing for me.
She has a loser boyfriend who wants her to move back home and does not support her getting a masters. She wants me to hold her hand every time she does anythig. And she acts like a 5 year old wanting my positive approval of every tiny thing she does. I should not celebrate with you that you got your 2 page paper turned in own time - you are in masters school!!!!!!
She cries all the time and is very home sick. and I get it. I cried too when I went away for my bachlors degree - but I was also 17 years old and an hour away from home without a car or a dime in my pocket, and no skills to speak of. I had to survive though, so I did.
She is 26, has experience working in the mental health field, has a duel bachlors, and has own car. Yet - she can't seem to do anything on her own... AND she can't even babysit for me.
I want her to make friends she can relate to, but she won't go out unless one of us goes with her, but we each work 2 jobs and have kids - therer is no way. And for that I get guilt and shamed by her for not helping or making time to spend with her.
I love jen, but for G-D sake - put on your big girl pants and just do it.
Now she is talking about staying at my house longer. I can't do it. She needs to find her own place. She needs to learn to adult. I can't keep teaching her how to adult when she can't even remember that whites and jeans don't get washed together.
I know her mom loved her and protected her, but she did everything for her - AT 26!!!!!!
Help me find the right words to say to her. Help me find a way to afirm her, and yet push her. Help me teacher her how to adult without losing my cool with her.
I can imagine how you feel puzzled about what's happening right now, but it really would have been a better idea to think slowly & carefully through the request to take Jen in before you said yes to her mother. And with a good spot of time to rationalize her request, you would have decided that it was only a matter of time before you realized that this idea would never work for Jen. Raising is a parental responsibility which begins at the birth of a child. Did you ever imagine that this was a set-up? I ask this because you appear to be much more sentimental than Jen & her mom. And most people who have a generous heart are good targets for picking up the dross left behind by slacking people. If Jen's mom is now a successful crisis therapist then she already knew that she was shoving-over too much of her own responsibility to you. And perhaps her mom was doing this especially to you because you seem to have a sensitive heart that really wants to help out in sad situations such as Jen's. Jen & her mom only needed a sleeping space inside of your home, as it's closest to her school. I imagine the idea of helping to raise Jen to adulthood was her mom's lame way of tripping your thoughts to merciful ones, which is a very bold move by her, as she is supposed to be a friend. Yet, surely, you are smart enough to know when you are being taken advantage of. I would be enraged by this idea. If you decide to leave Jen in your home, then treat her as she should be, a responsible adult. No need for any more lessons, as I see that this was all part of a scheme to use your kindness in the first place. Sad too.
After my own careful attention to what has happened, the best (whether right or wrong) words would probably go like this, but you can parallel your own good thoughts with my idea, here goes: 'I've tried to teach Jen as much as I know of being an adult; however she has too much more to learn than my ability to control. Taking her in was a poor decision "we" made and I'm very sorry to say that she can no longer stay/live in my home. Living with Jen is way too stressful than I originally imagined and the burden of her personal needs are much too overwhelming for me, of which, by careful consideration, is causing me to lose focus on my own self-important life needs.' Simply stated, Jen has to take responsibility for raising herself. 'nough said. ツ.
All in all, this was never your responsibility in the first place; a classic lesson was learned though: Look before you leap, dear heart! I know that you meant well to try so give yourself a pat on the shoulders for that! You are a nice person...
♥ 尺乇爪丨卂卄
Example: I'm assuming you've taught her how to wash her own laundry? If you have, but she's still messing up, than as long as there is no danger to your washing mashine(i.e. she's not over stuffing it) than let her continue to wash her own clothes. In this way she'll,eventually, learn what she needs to. If theres' a specific day and/or time that you like doing your laundry on than do this: Firmly set up a new rule concerning this,tell her about it,and tell her that there will be consequences if she doesn't adhere to this new rule. If she violates this rule,which she probably will, than continue to stand firm and give a warning. After two warnings enact consequences. You have to stay strong and carry through because if you don't she'll continue to walk all over you and your husband!
I,personally, would send her back to her mother and tell her mother something like this" You and your husband are the ones who made the decision to conceive and bear her into this world and you and your husband are the ones who made the decision to spoil her. Now it's time for you to bear the consequences of that and it's time for you to be the kind of mother that this young woman desperately needs-not me! I didn't make these decisions and she's not my child so I,my husband, and my own children should not have to keep paying a price for them(the decisions). We're through! I,and my husband, have our own lives and our own children. My children are still children and they still need me! I can't be there for myself the way I need to be let alone be there for my husband and kids the way they need because of your daughter and your shirking of your responsibilities and duties towards her! I know that you've been through a lot and your still grieving but that's NO excuse. She's grieving too; you're not the only one and you need to stop being so blind and selfish! This is your mess,you need to take responsibility for it, and you need to correct it-not me!