I believe God knows exactly where you are right now and how you are feeling. He feels your pain and understands it. Your pain and anger are normal parts of grief. God allows you to grieve for your dear baby, it is a normal part of how we pass thru life. We are not meant to be stoic or behave as if our grief and anger do not matter. Life is not fair, and God knows that too. Be honest with God. Express your feelings to him. I have found that the words of the Psalms express a lot of the pain we feel in life. This period of anger will pass. I know a lot of ladies here will pray for you.

Here are some sites that have helped me... and will continue to help me...

www.beliefenet.com

www.hayhouseradio.com

I think we do it to ourselves... and god lets us see how we will react...like free will... things will happen but we have a choice on how we will react to others and situations..

I always believe that faith comes from within... so maybe try looking within yourself and do some soul searching...and every day try to find some thing in your life that you are grateful for.

Also. This helps me. But I try not to ask why so much ...and to just accept things for what they are. And then once I accept them then I try to figure out why. But from a positive out look. I dont and never have asked... why me? What could I have done differently? Etc... I just never went there... because my belief is that I couldnt have done anything differently that this is how its supposed to be...and only god knows the answer to that and if I look within myself I can see that everything will be okay...and that logans spirit is around me... And maybe he will come back in a different body and be with me or maybe it will be a different spirit... I do not know...but that is my beliefs...

You have to find your own beliefs and make them work for you. This is something that youre going to have to do yourself... its a journey, you will get through this!!

actually ((your not going to be alone. God and the angels and your loved ones who have passed on will be there to help you along this journey. Keep asking them for their help and guidance!))

I've tried to look at it as this is my cross to carry and others have their own. I also resented the fact that people who didn't want children, especially kids on 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom. I just tried to think that raising their children and sacrificing their youth is their cross and greiving a stillbirth is mine. It's not fair but it's life. That has really helped me try and make sense of this.

I agree with Josie. A very dear friend of mine explained that without suffering, we would not become close to God..we would have no reason to need him. When my faith sways, I pull out the bible and let God lead me to scripture..I always find healing and personal meaning in what I read. Your faith is being tested...stay strong. This is my favorite verse:

Romans 5: 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because Gods love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I dealt with the same feelings about a week ago. It's very much a rollercoaster and I know I'll be there again but if I didn't rely on God to comfort my soul I don't know who would. God has proven time and time again that He is my refuge and even when I don't feel near to Him or I feel like he has abandoned me I cling to what I know; He loves me, He has always cared, protected and provided for me and my family. I don't understand why my son was taken from us. I don't believe that God needed him more than we did and I believe that it grieves God heart to see His children in pain. Cling to His word and His love. He gives us trials to bring us closer to Him and to realize that we have to rely on Him to make it through our hardest days and nights. I pray this time will end quickly for you and that you will grieve with the Father.
2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (NIV)
"8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

I don't believe it when people say things like "it was God's will", when our babies die. I don't believe that God is up in heaven like a puppet master with strings attached to all of us like puppets and "bam" today I think I'll pull that child away, etc...Free will reigns on earth and that is why bad things happen. That is why we have wars, and people making bad decisions and hurting each other. God "allows" bad things to happen but he hopes that you will trust in him because he loves you and wants what is best for you. He wants you to see the big picture. Without sorrow, there is no real joy, without weakness, there is no real strength, without trials, there is no need for hope. You get the picture. Life hurts and its messy, otherwise how could we understand the awesomeness of all of our blessings? We all struggle with those feelings from time to time, its normal. Just remember that life is so much more than what we see here. We are just like a grain of sand on the beach of eternity, so to speak.

I agree exactly with carol. In the early weeks, I read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner. He talks about this, how God didn't cause my child to die and I refuse to believe that He did. How can you go on believing in a God that kills children?? That book helped me immensely. It was written for people who are struggling with their faith but still very much want to believe in God, like you. I am also reading the "One Year Book of Hope". It is helpful as well as, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew".

I also agree with the statement of "we each have our cross to bear". I remind myself that whenever I'm struggling with jealousy and injustice. God says (I can't remember the exact passage), the last will come first and the first will be last. Heaven is made for the helpless and child-like. (Our angels are dancing up there right now, the most helpless and innocent of all.) Those who sorrow and suffer, will be consoled. He has promised us eternal life with him. I gain strength in knowing that He has already prepared the way for us.

There is a book that a nice lady at my church gave me, Its called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. I have only had this book for a few days, but all the words just seem to fit what I am feeling. At the end of each passage there are scriptures where you can find comforting words in the Bible. If you have time I hope ypu can find this book, It is helping me each and every day.

Janay

I am so sorry for you loss. It has just been 2 yrs on August 5th that my daughter lost our first grandson. In the beginning I was madder than fire that God would let this happen. I still don't understand why it happened, I just continously remind myself that I am not alone in this journey. I never have been. I went to summer camp with our youth group 10 months after we lost Nathan. There was a guy there Casey Darnell. He has a song called When the Waters Rise. I felt like God was talking to me through that song. It is on You Tube. Just remember you are not alone. He will never leave you. He is always there beside you even when we stray from him. Your baby is right beside you also. I will be praying for comfort and peace for you. It is a roller coaster ride I never wanted to be on.

Annaya's 1st Angelversary and my 38th birthday is on Saturday. This month has been complete Hell for me. What am I saying, this year has been a series of ups and downs. I don't know where I stand in the religion topic these days. I've been fasting and praying a lot lately for Ramadaan. I'm not Muslim but the man I am married to is. I must not be doing it right because I'm not hungry so I end up not eating at all.

All in all, the only thing I know for sure is that our Angels are watching our every action as they went directly to Heaven as they were without sin. I believe that I must live right just to have the chance to see my Annaya again one day and I want her to be proud of me.

Many Hugs!!!
Nneka

This journey we are all on is so personal, and I know it is a time to question all we believe, I am Christian too, and I was so shocked by the death of my angel. I was convinced that God had promised me a little girl, and when she arrived I couldn't understand it.

Things that helped me, were looking at Job, how God allows JOb to suffer, but how in the end, he really knows God, and is blessed richly... although the blessing here on earth will never replace what he really lost...his eternal life will reunite all he lost.

I read a book A Glimpse of Heaven, a collection of thoughts on heaven, I really wanted to know where my little girl is, to feel connected to her somehow. I also read Be still my soul, a collection of readings on the problem of pain compiled by Nancy Guthrie. It helps us to see suffering through many different eyes.

In the end I know that I live in good times, where stillbirth is not the norm, in every other time in history and still in 3rd world today stillbirth and death of under 5s is normal,just how this broken world is.... and we are lucky and blessed to live in a place and era where it is more unheard of.
I see God's love as different, not the sweet love that we make it out to be, but the love that survives tradegy, and most of all wants us to be saved and heavenbound. I know the only link between me and my angel is Jesus, who is the bridge between this world and the next, our heavenly Father is her perfect father, and when I had my rainbow I really struggled with the fact that rainbow will live with us imperfect parents, who can't give her the heavenly life our firstborn will have. Hold onto your faith, your salvation and your eternal life, which will hold no tears, no more pain or suffering, and eternal unity with God, and our family.
Jesus is Lord of heaven and earth, of us here and our angels in heaven... hold onto him. Use this time to search and question, you won't ever have an answer to why, but God wants us to break down the false beliefs we held before, and purify our knowledge of the truth, and get closer to God.
A song I like is by Selah, I will carry you. It says that the tradegy has brought us to hear God's voice more clearly(although I didn't hear him at first, when I searched he did answer me, not with answers but with reassurance of our relationship.) hope that helps, look to him, not your circumstances and keep searching.

Like OlderMum says, God knows and understands your pain - He created you to have those feelings and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do. From what I've seen, our relationship with God is much like the relationships we have with other people in that those relationships seem to grow either stronger or weaker after what we've been through.

I asked "Why?" for several months thinking that what happened must have been punishment for something I'd done at some point in my life. I'm so glad I don't ask that question anymore cause it's not like we'll ever know anyway. His ways are higher than ours and I highly doubt He'd let us in on how He works anyway.

Like JulyBaby2010 says, you will feel a weight lifted from you when you begin to focus more on God instead of your circumstances (trust me, I learned that the hard way over this past year). I found that thinking about others and praying for their needs while not focusing on mine so much helped a lot. Turn your grief into something outwardly positive instead of inwards and see what that does for you.

My main piece of advice for you is to not be so hard on yourself as it looks like you have been trying really hard to maintain the relationship you have with God. Continue to grow closer to Him because it really does help you get to a better place faster. Your emptiness is completely understandable because you are grieving for someone you loved dearly and that is okay. Over time you won't feel *as* empty.