Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
The world has lost its color, life has no more meaning, my heart is broken in milion pieces! I don't know how I even breathe anymore. I've been walking through hell for the last 16 days, and it looks I'll continue to do so for the rest of my life. My life, my meaningless life without my precious little boy!
My baby, my love, my everything!
I was so happy while carrying him for 41 weeks, my life was so full of joy and anticipation. I could imagine him playing with daddy, I could image his blue eyes full of life, I could image him in the stroller while taking a walk in the park. I used to tell daddy that soon it would be the three of us shopping, or eating at the restaurant or walking by the lake and daddy would say that is already was the three of us. That it had been the three of us for 41 weeks now. How could mommy know that was the only "three of us" time we had together?
I miss you so much my love! I miss your kicks, your hiccups, I miss what was and what could have been. How can I still be breathing when you didn't get to fill your lungs even once my love? Your perfect little body, you were so perfect, with your big feet and hands just like daddy. Mommy was so foolish my love, I used to think if your toes and fingers would be the correct number. I never imagined you would be so perfect, so beautiful and yet so lifeless my love! It hurts even more to know how perfect you were, to not have a reason why your heart stopped, to think that if we induced on your due date you could be with us today and we wouldn't have to discover this world of pain.
Mommy used to be afraid of the world, trying to do everything to keep you safe, eating all the right stuff, walking slowly, using handrails, listening to your heartbeat every night, counting your kicks every day and smiling at your kicks in the morning when rolling in bed. Those morning kicks that seemed like you were saying "Mom you woke me up, stop rolling in bed!" Those morning kicks I didn't feel on the darkest morning of my life. I rolled intentionally to wake you up, but you didn't my love, you didn't kick. My heart sank in that second, in that moment between sleep and being awake I knew something was terribly wrong. Mommy that was afraid of the world, had lost you in her sleep! Had lost you where you should have been the safest.
I miss you in every breath I take, my son, my firstborn, my love! I don't know myself anymore, who am I? Why am I?
They tell me you're an angel now, that God picked you to be his angel. That doesn't make me feel any better, it just makes me hate God!
It is a nightmare.
It feels I'm walking through hell since the day my baby left.
He is my first child, my hope of being a mom, and now he's not with me. I should have been taking caring of him now, my days and nights should have been busy filled with time together. Instead I'm alone, with no purpose, no hope!
I think I should go back to work soon, this empty days are killing me. Maybe work will keep my mind busy, so I don't rethink of that awful day in my mind over and over again. It's like a never ending nightmare, my eyes hurt from crying, my heart aches for my boy. I miss him so much!
My doctor said I know this doesn't make your pain go away but everything happens for a reason. We don't understand why these things happen but who knows why? They can be born and die or have an issue and die in the womb instead. So there is a reason and that doesn't make the pain go away but I does give a purpose and help u be positive and try again. Hope you heal my love