Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
Hey,
lilmommakay's DP made me think of this.
A few months ago, a little after Sophia's first birthday I came to a realization. Since the day my baby died in September 2010 I haven't been living. I slip in and out of a dark depression, I don't make time to spend with friends, I spend most days looking for any way possible to escape reality. I feel like I have shut out the world because I'm angry and sad and I feel so alone in this empty ache that comes with missing someone who used to, literally, be a part of you.
I realized that I have been literally punishing myself. I felt such incredible guilt when Sophia died, I had nights I literally screamed at myself and called myself a murderer. The nightmares of her dying over and over and the way I shut myself off from others made me realize that unconsciously, all of this is a punishment for myself because I felt like I deserved it.
I think when I lost my baby girl I literally decided to stop living too, I wanted to die with her so bad, and in a way I did. I'm still trying to cope with this, trying to reignite some kind of passion for life, and I keep telling myself that it's not my fault, that I loved her and would have died for her if I had a choice. For the most part it is getting better, I'm starting to live again, slowly, but there are still those nights when the bad thoughts creep in. For anyone who is about to suggest therapy or drugs I've done it and tried it and it's not for me.
I just wanted to post this little thought because I'm sure a lot of you have felt this way/ still do feel this way and I want you to know you're not alone. It's important that we recognize our unconscious motivations so we can correct all our bad thoughts, for instance:
TO ALL ANGEL MOMS, DON'T LET THE GUILT OVER TAKE YOUR LIFE!! YOU LOVED YOUR BABY, YOU WOULD HAVE DIED FOR YOUR BABY! YOU. DID. NOT. HURT. YOUR. CHILD!
You don't have to die with your baby to show them you love them, they know you do, they knew it everyday they lived inside of you. Big hugs!
lilmommakay's DP made me think of this.
A few months ago, a little after Sophia's first birthday I came to a realization. Since the day my baby died in September 2010 I haven't been living. I slip in and out of a dark depression, I don't make time to spend with friends, I spend most days looking for any way possible to escape reality. I feel like I have shut out the world because I'm angry and sad and I feel so alone in this empty ache that comes with missing someone who used to, literally, be a part of you.
I realized that I have been literally punishing myself. I felt such incredible guilt when Sophia died, I had nights I literally screamed at myself and called myself a murderer. The nightmares of her dying over and over and the way I shut myself off from others made me realize that unconsciously, all of this is a punishment for myself because I felt like I deserved it.
I think when I lost my baby girl I literally decided to stop living too, I wanted to die with her so bad, and in a way I did. I'm still trying to cope with this, trying to reignite some kind of passion for life, and I keep telling myself that it's not my fault, that I loved her and would have died for her if I had a choice. For the most part it is getting better, I'm starting to live again, slowly, but there are still those nights when the bad thoughts creep in. For anyone who is about to suggest therapy or drugs I've done it and tried it and it's not for me.
I just wanted to post this little thought because I'm sure a lot of you have felt this way/ still do feel this way and I want you to know you're not alone. It's important that we recognize our unconscious motivations so we can correct all our bad thoughts, for instance:
TO ALL ANGEL MOMS, DON'T LET THE GUILT OVER TAKE YOUR LIFE!! YOU LOVED YOUR BABY, YOU WOULD HAVE DIED FOR YOUR BABY! YOU. DID. NOT. HURT. YOUR. CHILD!
You don't have to die with your baby to show them you love them, they know you do, they knew it everyday they lived inside of you. Big hugs!
It took me a year to turn my anger into purpose. We carried our babies under our heart and gave them all that we were physically able until it was time to let go.
I wish I could say that Annaya's death will be the worst thing that will happen in my life but I pray that I will live at least 50 more years. I owe it to Jelani, Symone and Annaya to live.
Guilt does eat us alive. We must let it go in order to begin the healing process.
Please don't neglect your friends. Mom advises me to socialize & tht really is helping along with encouragement from all of my DS sisters. Live each day at a time. You are not alone.