KezzB, I just want to let you know that I was the exact same, every month you buy the test and wait, and to find out is hasn't worked feels like life has kicked you in the guts again. I too drowned my sorrows each time with alcohol, to a point where I felt guilty, like I was being irresponsible. I'd even have what felt like morning sickness, which I never got to the bottom of, my hormone levels were fine. It was just me really wanting to be pregnant again and having that bit of hope.

All I can say, if drinking gets you through, have a few drinks each night to take the edge off. Completly writing yourself off only punishes yourself and will upset ur husband eventually. Focus on the love you have for eachother and grow stronger as a couple. Your time to get pregnant again will come. The more you persist indicates how important it is to you. And I've always said, if you want something bad enough you will get it. Don't lose hope, don't second guess yourself, you are amazing, you have endured more than your fair share, keep going.

Hi KezzB,

I want to first say I'm very sorry for your loss. I also want you to know that I do NOT judge you for your choices, but I want to offer a word of caution. After losing Tabi (my rainbow or 2nd stillbirth), I turned to drinking. It was the only thing that took some of the edge off. I did almost kill myself anyway, but that's beside the point. I was later diagnosed with liver disease from drinking too much. I cut it out, and my liver counts went back down a bit. With that said, I turned to alcohol for a while, and I won't judge anyone else who chooses to do so - I certainly understand. Just beware that there may be other effects as a result (not just the reduced chance of pregnancy). I also understand if you don't care right now as I surely didn't care at the time. :)

With that said, I've been there... twice. I had problems with jealousy for years. I even rejected my own grandson (by marriage). I'd say I'm over it, but I'm not sure. I wouldn't put it past me to get jealous and turn away even today.

I still miss my girls, and I love them deeply, even if they didn't breath or open their eyes or speak. That doesn't go away.

I hope you get your positive test soon, and I hope you have a successful pregnancy resulting in a beautiful, breathing baby.

If you go on amazon they have a pack of like 40 ovulation tests and 10 pregnancy tests for 15$. After 6 months of trying I started using them to get pregnant and it worked. I couldn't drink since I'm a nurse, but I started going to the gym to release all that anger I had built up in me. The gym I go to offered a bunch of different classes. I would do a zumba class, and a kick boxing class twice a week. Then I would do a normal workout 3 times a week. I chose a 24 hour gym because I often couldn't sleep at night. It got me in awesome shape so I didn't feel bad about my body anymore, and it got me healthy for my next pregnancy, lowering my chances of having another still birth.