I gave birth to my son December 6th, I went to the bathroom and my water broke with the cord accompanying it out. Within an hour they delivered my stillborn son, and my heart was broken. My 9 year old daughter had to come with me in the ambulance, and she held her baby brother who she was so excited about with a shattered heart. I got pregnant on an IUD with twins, and my OB told me I should play the lottery. The pregnancy wasnt planned but I was in love from the time I found out. At 10 weeks I found out I lost one of the babies, and that was hard but I felt like I had a reason to keep going, and that things were going to be ok, that if I just kept moving forward that everything would be fine, that there is a reason things happen. I dont think that anymore. I cant believe in a God that would have a reason for this to happen, I think there are bad things in the world and God is there to help us get through them, but there is no reason for this.

Im not sure what I hope to get out of this post, people say it helps to write it down, so Im trying it. A week after my c-section I had to be readmitted to redo all the stitches (my emergency vertical incision had opened) and so being in the same hospital one week later was really hard. I came home today, the same day I came home a week ago after the delivery. Im mourning the loss of our dreams, of our plans, of all the things we were going to do that will never happen now. This pregnancy brought our family back together, this little boy was so loved already and its just not fair he doesnt get to grow up in the love he reunited, he was our miracle baby. I mourned the first baby, but its different when you know the gender, have a name, hold that baby in your arms, have the funeral and bury them, its a lot more difficult to accept. My daughter was ecstatic to learn that I was pregnant, and after this experience it has robbed her of that joy and innocence, it has robbed us all. The next time I say Im pregnant there wont be joy but fear, and for me, guilt. The only thing I want right now is to be pregnant as if that would fix it all. I know it wont, but thinking about the future is really hard, we had so many things planned. The shower, the nursery, the vacation to Disney, all the things that were already planned with special accommodations for the baby that came too early and couldnt stay with us. Im not sure how to make it through all that. I know Im not the only one who has experienced this pain, and I know the feelings of anger and extreme sadness are normal, but Im not a person who cries. I could have count how many times Ive cried in my life fairly easy, up until now, now its a daily occurrence. Three friends were pregnant with me, they are all having their healthy babies, all three within the week I lost my baby, and Im happy for them, but when I look on facebook my first reaction is tears and profound sadness that I dont have my baby. My milk came in, but theres no baby. Every time I change my breast pads I cry. Going back to the hospital to be reopened again didnt help and sitting in that hospital room for two days only made it harder. I cant sleep, when I lay my head down I just start crying. If I can avoid thinking then I can function. I know it will get easier with time, Ive lost people Ive loved before, but this is so different and so profound I dont want my daughter to see me cry because it makes her cry. I dont want this experience to be traumatizing for her, so I keep it together during the day with her, I keep busy, I can talk about the baby with her without crying, but the second Im alone the tears start. Basically its not fair and theres nothing to do about it, the finality of death shatters our dreams and cares not about our wishes. My daughter asks me if Im as heartbroken as her and why we cant make a potion or something to bring him back like the movies. If only there was something like that, what we wouldnt give for it