August 31, 2013 will forever go down as the worst day in my life. It started out as the happiness, we were going to a vanity ultrasound to find out the sex of our almost 18 week old baby. Together a totally of 10 family members had chosen to come with us, we drove over an hour to Bel Air, md for the sonogram. I made everyone little sticks with lips or mustaches on them, and they chose what they thought our baby would be. The technician was an amazing woman, and she talked and chatted with everyone about the baby. Then the sonogram was started and she poked and prodded for about 5 mins, I felt like I was holding my breathe and my adrenaline finally kicked in, I remember saying can you just tell me already! She then took a deep breathe and started out saying this is a unique circumstance, I'm not able to find a heartbeat. Immediately I lost control, and really couldn't breathe. Sobbing hysterically while she assured me to keep breathing and that she is not a doctor but her recommendation was to go right to the nearest hospital, she called my OB and they agreed. We went to the hospital where yet another technician took an ultrasound with the grimmest of looks on her face. Although they aren't allowed to tell you anything, it was a give away immediately. Her final words to us were "I'm so sorry and I wish you the best". The wait for the doctor was agonizing. Finally he entered to tell us we were experiencing "fetal demise". I remember thinking through my sobs that that has to be the worst words ever out together. He said I would have to deliver the baby, I could do it there or come home and do it with my doctors. We decided to come home, I needed a night to focus on what happen. My doctor said the sooner the better. I remember losing it. I remember feeling like I was entering this black hole, and there was no way out. Our support was fantastic, none of our family members went home, with three babies along, they all came to the hospital and waited, they couldn't leave. While we didn't get to see them, I'll always be grateful we had them there.


The next morning we drove to the local hospital, where they placed pills in my cervix to make me dilate. They said I would have to birth my son and that I may or may not need an epidural. I chose to take Staydall for the tremendous anxiety I was having. I would not accept anything else pain wise, I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted something to hold onto, and I wanted to remember every second.

My precious angel, Parker John Hiden, was born on September 2, 2013 at 10:58am. Labor Day. He was perfect in every way, from his beautiful 10 fingers to his gorgeous 10 toes. But there was no cry, there was no laughter, and there was nothing to celebrate. I had been referred to a charity called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a friend was a photographer on the list, and she came right away to take pictures of my baby. His precious hands and feet were all I wanted, as my boyfriend wasn't to keen on the idea to start with. (He is now in love with the pictures.) family came and visited and we all cried over our precious son.

At 4:30pm we requested they take him away. With him I sent his first stuffed animal, a Winnie the Pooh bear, and a corner of the only blanket we had bought for him. (He was so small, so I cut the blanket and wrapped him in it. Ironically, the blanket had two stars and a moon on it. I found this comforting, as it was like we were tucking him in forever .

Parker was cremated with his bear and blanket. I still have the remaining part of his blanket and I sleep with it every night. I feel so close to him this way. His remembrance service took place on September 14th and was absolutely beautiful. One of my best friends sang two beautiful songs, I read a letter that I had wrote to him, our pastor did a small sermon, and another close friend read a poem. We then released 50 balloons into heaven for him. I called them kisses. It was a gorgeous day and it felt great to celebrate him.

Now that that part of my journey is over, I find myself empty a lot of the time. I've never been an artistic person, but I threw myself into art. I called it healing my heART. I will be going back to work in a few days, which I am dreading. My biggest fear is that people will forget my precious baby.
I also am having a hard time finding everyday conversation interesting or even wanting to join in. It all seems so mundane compared to what I have gone through. My cousin is due any day, and I can't get excited for her. I love her to death and I'm so thankful she is having a healthy baby but she gets to go through a happy time, a time I just recently thought I was going to go through. I can't help but be jealous, and upset about it.

I'm hoping some people on here have gone through the same things I have and possibly have some comforting advice to offer....